Yahoo Lifestyle Nikki Glaser Reveals Brutal Jokes She Cut From 2025 Golden Globes Monologue, Including One With Alec Baldwin & Fatal ‘Rust’ Shooting
Nikki Glaser hosted the 2025 Golden Globes and has been praised for her opening monologue that took a soft approach to her often savage roast jokes.
Glaser seemingly restrained herself from going too hard on the Hollywood celebrities in the ballroom on Sunday night and left some jokes on the cutting room floor.
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The standup comedian went on SiriusXM’s The Howard Stern Show on Monday, January 6, and read jokes from the “Stern file,” or jokes that she cut from the main broadcast.
“The Golden Globes is the only show where you can see the biggest stars and movies and television joined together with the same goal — getting out of here tonight before Dax Shepard asked them to do his podcast,” Glaser read. “This is the last time all of you will be in the same room together until the Diddy trial.”
Glaser explained that this Diddy joke didn’t make the cut because the one that she said on the live show “led us to other jokes.” The comedian also noted that she didn’t want to do the previous joke “because it’s like you’re accusing the people of that room of being involved in that, and they might turn on you.”
“Zendaya is here. Zendaya, you were incredible in Dune. Oh, my God, I woke up for all of your scenes. You were so good. And Challengers, girl? It was so good. I mean, that movie was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card,” Glaser joked on Sunday’s Golden Globes show. “Oh, I’m upset too. The afterparty’s not going to be good this year. But, we have to move on. A Stanley Tucci freak-off just doesn’t have the same ring to it. No baby oil this year, just lots of olive oil.”
WATCH GLASER’S MONOLOGUE:
Other jokes Glaser cut included one mentioning Luigi Mangioni, the suspect charged with murder in the deadly shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson.
“Glen Powell is nominated tonight for Hit Man. Who would have thought that by the end of the year, you’d only be the second hottest hit man in America,” Glaser said, delivering the punchline.
Glaser said that Catholic Church “pedophile jokes” are played out and that’s why she cut the following one, where she said, “I love Conclave, and I think it’s about the cardinals choosing a new pope. And I think everyone should see it. It was so heartwarming. Honestly, it’ll touch you so much that the church will have to move it to another theater. Conclave is rated PG, bring the kids. They’ll love it. The Catholic Church will love it. Hot tip, you don’t need ID to get into the Conclave afterparty.”
The comedian also poked fun at Only Murders in the Building, joking, “Only Murders in the Building is amazing. And I think it’s so cool that legends like Steve Martin, Martin Short, Meryl Streep, are still at it, putting up some of the best performances of their careers, and it’s so inspiring. And it just goes to show you, you are never too old to still need money. Guys, please don’t fight Jake Paul, please don’t do it. Why are you still working so hard? Did you get caught up in Hawk Tuah girl’s crypto scheme?”
Glaser is self-deprecating, as when she lost in the Golden Globes category she was nominated in. She had another joke she cut where she said, “Amy Adams is nominated for her performance in Night Bitch, while I was totally snubbed for my performance in Day Slut. The documentary category is tough, though, by the way, Night Bitch is what Diddy hears every evening before it’s lights out.”
Nicole Kidman would’ve been the joke’s punchline where Glaser said, “The Wild Robot is nominated tonight. And by that, I mean Nicole Kidman after two white wines.”
Another joke Glaser cut referenced cocaine saying, “Denzel Washington is here. The only thing that has convinced more middle-aged men they could pull off an earring than Denzel Washington is cocaine. Kate Winslet is a lot like cocaine. She’s white. She’s always with Leonard DiCaprio, and I can’t wait to find her at the after party tonight.”
Although Glaser made a joke on the CBS show about Timothée Chalamet playing Bob Dylan, she had a different joke before.
“To sound like Bob Dylan, Timothée Chalamet took years of vocal lessons because, apparently, that’s how long it takes to learn to smoke 40,000 cigarettes,” she said. “Timothée took lessons in guitar, dialect movement and vocals to become Bob Dylan, while Bob Dylan became Bob Dylan the old-fashioned way – heroin and autism. Undiagnosed, but come on now, a lot of songs about trains.”
Glaser cut a joke about Queer and Wicked, saying, “Daniel Craig is nominated for his performance in Queer, which is a movie and not just what my uncle Chuckie calls Wicked.”
A joke about Nicolas Cage, where Glaser said, “Nicolas Cage is here tonight looking well-rested after a night of sleeping in Elvis’s coffin. Nicolas Cage is here, and so is the band of skeletons that follows him playing Ragtime jazz.”
Glaser held back on a joke about Alec Baldwin and the Rust incident that she said was “too mean” where the comedian would’ve said, “Michael Keaton was so great in Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice and Alec Baldwin, sadly, did not come back to play a ghost because he was too busy making them.”
Glaser’s opening monologue was light on politics, and she cut one joke, saying, “The film Anora is nominated for four awards tonight. It’s been called the most unflinching look at sex work since Matt Gaetz’s payment history.”
Another joke that was cut from the monologue mentioned Squid Game and Joker.
“Squid Game is a show where people starve themselves while ruthlessly competing for the ultimate prize. Oh, wait, no, sorry that’s this show,” she said. “I saw Joker 2 and, you know, it reminded me of when the first Joker came out and I was in the theaters and I was afraid someone was going to shoot it up. And then during Joker 2, I was really hoping they would.”
Watch Glaser tell the jokes she cut from the Golden Globes in the video below.
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