The ‘Real Housewives of New York City’ Finally Fight! A Lot!

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is often dubbed “community theater Housewives” due to its off-the-wall exuberance and general insanity. In that sense, I’d argue The Real Housewives of New York City is what happens when the slackers in the class are paired for a group project. They don’t have chemistry, no one has a passion for the subject, and they’re barreling toward the due date with nothing to show for their work.

And yet, they have to turn something in. The season is mere episodes from ending, and a fire has finally started to burn within the Housewives. Now, this fire is burning from 18 barely functional fireplaces, but it’s a fire nonetheless.

As the cast trip continues, the women have reached that wonderful stage of hating everything about each other and always being moments from tears. It might be the first episode of new RHONY where I’d argue too much happened. It feels like every feud has been fast-forwarded so we can make it to a quote-on-quote explosive finale, and it’s a little odd. But that’s most definitely better than the static air we’ve been getting.

It is kind of weird this cast trip is getting the four-episode treatment given the first two episodes could’ve been condensed into 12 minutes and the season’s episode order is already on the shorter side. But, alas. Here we are.

The episode starts with Erin stoking the flames of Brynn vs. Jessel, before pivoting to Ubah vs. Erin, a quick detour to Erin sobbing, and ends with Ubah picking a fight with the existence of Puerto Rico. Go figure that the first sign of real drama would make these women cry their eyes out. They really did just click “create presentation” on Canva and say, “Whew, that was a lot. Let’s pick it up tomorrow.”

Let’s dive into this incomprehensibly weird little episode. First, Erin, Sai, and Brynn discuss Jessel’s major changes from last year and their frustration with her lack of transparency. It’s very Beverly Hills-coded, which makes sense given new RHONY’s love for the humorless.

Erin pivots the conversation in a pretty fun direction, thankfully, letting Brynn know that Jessel was disgusted by her cutting in line at a photoshoot. Jessel has never been more upset about anything. Brynn, however, wants to know why Jessel always has a photographer at her children’s events.

Naturally, the women gather at dinner to discuss just that. Well actually, they discuss Jenna’s pubes first. Again. The preview for next week shows them discussing them further, which makes me want to become a nun. Vicki Gunvalson voice, “It’s disgusting to me.”

Finally, the conversation moves to Jessel’s anger at Brynn, which Jessel immediately shuts down. Maybe Erin’s a little pot stirrer. Lowkey, the funniest moment of it all is Jenna’s confessional, something I find so shocking. It’s a new year and already, the world has flipped on its head.

“I don’t know why she’s giving Jessel s—,” Jenna says. “When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to do my hair and makeup and look pretty. And like, it’s every girl’s dream. And she’s living out her dream.”

Whatever that means!

The glam fight is admittedly a fun time. Jessel is a good Housewife when she’s engaged in the drama, so kudos to Erin for instigating all of this. And kudos to Jessel for turning it on Erin for creating a fire out of the smallest flame. Erin shooing Jessel away is such a diva moment, too. These women are awful at fighting and sometimes it circles around to being so bad it’s good.

Unfortunately, what follows is less satisfying. Ubah vs. Brynn has finally kicked into high gear, and it’s… well, it’s something. These two are probably the most unpleasant Housewives on the show, so when they go at each other, it’s a real kerfuffle. Someone should cast them on a spinoff where they can fight endlessly, and then delete all the footage.

Somehow, this escalates to Ubah saying she was cast on the show because of her authentic sparkle, unlike Brynn, who slept her way onto Bravo, famously a network full of straight men at the top.

It’s definitely a low blow, but it is engaging. It just would be better if it went somewhere. Everyone kind of sits in shock as they let the confessionals do all the work, making the moment less of a glass-shattering break and more inconsequential. If there were ever doubt you need good producerial Housewives like Heather Gay to turn small moments into zeitgeist definers, here’s proof.

Back at the villa, Jessel extends an “olive leaf” to Erin. Not a branch! Just a leaf. Meanwhile, the ladies gather for a nice breakfast, where Ubah accidentally whacks Erin with the entire tree.

It turns out using a mom dying of cancer as an analogy isn’t exactly the best thing to do when the woman next to you has a mom who’s dying of cancer. Every week, the Housewives teach us crucial life lessons. The two sob together—while Ubah keeps her airpods in, nonetheless—and come to better terms. Yay!

Next, Jessel and Brynn attempt to hash out their differences, to little avail. Brynn isn’t shallow or vapid like Jessel, she says, so that’s probably why she’s closer to Erin.

“That was shady. Oof,” Sai says in a confessional, which like, yeah. It is. But we don’t need confessionals to let us know what is abundantly clear. Show, don’t tell!

The episode closes on Erin crying some more, before Ubah insults the entirety of Puerto Rico after finding a dead pigeon in the water. I’d like to think that’s an on-the-nose metaphor for this show. I mean, it’s literally dead in the water.

But we should be optimistic and hope there’s still some life left in the murky sea. The next episode caps the trip with another Brynn vs. Ubah squabble, before the show heads into its season finale. We’re excitedly close to seeing where this season lands on the “worst seasons of all time” list. If they can stick a respectable landing, it could finally usurp RHOA Season 15 and maybe even RHOBH Season 8.

These ladies certainly won’t get an A anytime soon, but they could wrap this project up with a respectable C- if they try hard enough.

At least a flop Housewives season is still supremely watchable. Really, this episode offered more than most Netflix reality shows could ever. Maybe next week, we’ll even have some fun. What if Jenna does something funny again? That would be pretty cool.