Nikki Glaser Crushes Golden Globes Monologue With Brutal Diddy Jokes

Nikki Glaser opened the 82nd Golden Globes by welcoming the packed room of celebrities to “Ozempic’s biggest night.”

And as promised, the stand-up comedian got in a self-deprecating joke up top by saying that she was excited to be in a room full of producers at the Beverly Hilton with “all of my clothes” on.

“Now, some of you may know me as a stand-up comedian and from my appearances on roast but I am not here to roast you tonight,” Glaser insisted. “How could I really? You’re all so famous, so talented, so powerful, I mean, you could really do anything—except tell the country who to vote for. But it’s OK, you’ll get them next time.”

After shouting out Zendaya’s performance in the film Challengers, Glaser joked, “That movie was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card.” As the crowd groaned, Glaser went on to joke that she’s “upset” too because “the after-party is not going to be as good this year.”

“‘Stanley Tucci freak-off’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it,” she continued, digging in, adding that instead of baby oil, it would be “just lots of olive oil.”

More jokes came at the expense of big stars like Harrison Ford, Nicole Kidman, Selena Gomez, and others. “Oh look, it’s two-time Holocaust survivor Adrien Brody!” Glaser remarked at one point.

But Glaser saved her most pointed bit for last, predicting that it would be “memorable night” because five years from now, people would be watching clips on YouTube, spot someone in the crowd and think, “Oh my God, that was before they caught that guy.”

“We could be making history tonight and we don’t even know with who,” she said. “He knows. Or she. It could be a woman. I think a hundred percent of the time it’s a man, but it could be a woman. Won’t be. It never is. Kind of like best director.”

And with that, they started handing out awards.

For more, listen to Nikki Glaser talk about roasting Tom Brady, her Golden Globe-nominated stand-up special and more on The Last Laugh podcast.