The Real Golden Globes Winner Was Andrew Garfield for Being So Hot

There’s a lot that people are buzzing about from Sunday night’s Golden Globe Awards. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard any of it, having fainted after Andrew Garfield appeared to present during the ceremony.

There are many ways to be deemed a “winner” at an award show.

You could, well, win an award. (Easy. Boring.) You could pull off the miracle of being a great host. (Tricky. Somewhat exciting.) You could arrive with a fierce new pixie cut. (Brave. A slay.) You could show up with a massive rock on your engagement finger and play coy about it. (Incredible. Iconic.)

Or, there is what I would imagine is the most gratifying way to be deemed an award-show winner: being so hot that the internet goes absolutely feral because of it.

Presenter Andrew Garfield accomplished just that during Sunday night’s telecast, trumping any fuss and fawning over other celebrities’ red carpet looks. He appeared with Kerry Washington, completing one of the two best kinds of award show pairings: the first is “these two funny people are going to be funny together;” the second, which this falls under, is “aw heck, here are just two incredibly attractive superstars standing next to each other for your enjoyment.”

They presented Best Actress and Actor in a Musical or Comedy. I have zero recollection of what their banter was because, like many people who have reported similar instances on social media, I blacked out soon after Garfield started talking.

He was the rare person in attendance for whom the awkward, much maligned camera angle for presenters actually worked. He stared into that lens like he wanted to take it to bed right then and there, seductively put on his glasses in a way that would have Clark Kent phoning to ask for lessons, and then started playing with the neckline of his teasingly unbuttoned shirt.

A smattering of reaction that flooded—for lack of a better word—my social media timeline: “I just moaned so loud.” “I am NOT WELL.” “I feel pregnant with triplets.” And the classic, “Goddamn.”

Are people being hyperbolic? Yes. Histrionic? Sure. Are they having fun? GOD YES. That should be the point of these award shows: engaging with them in the silliest, most nonsense way. Objectification isn’t, like, a “good” thing. But when it’s done with a sense of humor, it’s a blast. And let’s face it, the way Garfield was eyef---ing that camera, baiting the internet’s most carnal instincts, it’s safe to assume that the thirsting is consensual.

My personal favorite reaction: “BREAKING NEWS: Andrew Garfield in his reading glasses just received a 55 minute standing ovation from me in my bedroom.”

Garfield’s sultry appearance arrived just when horny pop culture enthusiasts needed him most.

The heart palpitations that had provided the adrenaline to keep us going over the last month or so with Jonathan Bailey on his impossibly charming, handsome, and swoon-inducing Wicked press tour were starting to return to depressingly normal levels—especially since Bailey was absent from the Globes.

There must be a pact among the collective of Internet Boyfriends: When one Boyfriend must take a rest, another rises in his place—a civic duty.

Beyond just looking good, Garfield got to present to the most talked about winner of the night, Demi Moore. There was a beautiful moment where he gallantly kissed her hand as she looked at the crowd, overwhelmed, after receiving his trophy.

And if you thought that was adorable, let me leave you with this video of them intensely talking in the ballroom later in the night.