Yahoo Lifestyle 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
Gaslighting is far from a new term, but it’s a buzzy one and has been for a bit. In 2022, Merriam-Webster named it the “word of the year.”
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic and type of abuse in which someone tries to make another person doubt their perceptions. It's insidious, scary and often hard to spot.
Those latter descriptors hold when the manipulation comes from someone who’s not a “high-level” gaslighter—let alone one who is. Believing their tricks can be especially easy, unfortunately, because they're so skilled.
But let’s be clear: You aren’t powerless against high-level gaslighting. Ahead, psychologists explain what to look for, phrases frequently used and how to respond.
Related: 75 Quotes About Gaslighting To Help You Identify and Break Away From This Toxic Behavior by Manipulators
What Is a ‘High-Level’ Gaslighter?
Essentially, you’re looking at a gaslighter on steroids.
“A high-level gaslighter is someone proficient at using the tactic in more subtle and advanced ways than others,” says Dr. Larissa Redziniak, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist with Thriveworks in Red Bank, New Jersey who specializes in stress, anxiety, self-esteem and coping skills. “They are adept at making others question their own memories, perspectives and emotions.”
Related: 9 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting That Are Often Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
High-level gaslighting can make it impossible (or close to impossible) for you and even those around you to realize that’s what it is, especially at first.
“What makes these types of gaslighters unique as well is their ability to appear charming and trustworthy to others while eroding their target’s confidence behind closed doors,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse.
She explains they may prey on the emotions and vulnerabilities of their targets to distort their reality, as well as make the victim question their perceptions through denial, deflection and minimization.
“The subtle yet persistent manipulation can create a cycle of self-doubt and dependency,” she adds.
8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
1. “You’re being too sensitive/emotional/ridiculous/petty” or “You’re overreacting.”
This is “one of the most common phrases,” according to Dr. Kelley. “It dismisses the target’s feelings, making them doubt the validity of their emotional reactions,” she explains.
They may respond this way after you let them know they hurt your feelings, for example.
When this situation happens repeatedly, targets may be quicker to assume their reactions are “wrong” and distrust themselves. “Over time, they may feel the need to downplay their own emotions, hide expressions or difficult emotions from the gaslighter, and/or feel shame for experiencing emotions in response to the gaslighter’s manipulations,” Dr. Redziniak says.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. "That never happened.”
If the gaslighting person made a mistake or hurt someone, they're even more likely to use this phrase, according to Dr. Redziniak.
“Gaslighters often deny events, making the victim question their memory and perception of reality—even when there is hard evidence,” Dr. Kelley says.
They're proficient in convincing their target that they're misremembering what happened.
3. “It’s all in your head.”
This phrase is used to imply the target is making things up, exaggerating or imagining things, Dr. Redziniak says.
“Repeated use of phrases such as these can lead to the victim questioning their own reality and/or even eventually relying on the gaslighter before forming their own opinions and ideas,” she adds.
4. “You’re imagining things.”
Similar to the other phrases, this one invalidates the victim’s observations, making them feel irrational or disconnected from the truth, Dr. Kelley explains.
Friendly reminder you’re not imagining things, irrational or disconnected from the truth. Trust your memories and gut feelings.
5. “You don’t really feel that way.”
This is another example of dismissing the target and making them question their reactions as a form of manipulation.
“The perpetrator tells them how they should or shouldn’t feel about various things, especially regarding the perpetrator’s behavior,” Dr. Redziniak says.
Related: Gaslighting vs. Lying: A Psychologist Explains the Difference
6. “I only said that because I care about you.”
This is a way to mask their manipulation as a concern, Dr. Kelley says. It makes the target feel guilty and confused about the gaslighter’s true intentions.
7. “You took that the wrong way” or “You just can’t take a joke.”
A gaslighter may say something cruel to you and then shift the blame with one of these phrases.
“Gaslighters will use phrases like this to take the blame off of themselves and dodge taking accountability for their actions,” Dr. Redziniak says.
In response, she continues, the target may apologize or drop the matter.
8. “Everyone else agrees with me.”
If everyone else agrees with them, they must be right, right? That’s what they want you to think, even (and perhaps especially) when it’s not true.
“This tactic isolates the victim by suggesting others are on the gaslighter’s side, undermining the victim’s confidence and making them further doubt their sense of safety in the world,” Dr. Kelley explains.
After hearing an assertion like this, you may agree you’re overreacting or sensitive or wrong, even though you’re not.
Related: Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships
How To Respond to a High-Level Gaslighter
Know they may double down and can’t be reasoned with
People who gaslight others are on a different emotional wavelength, Dr. Kelley says, so they may intensify their tactics or throw others in if you try to argue.
“Gaslighters rarely acknowledge or agree with your perspective, so trying to reason with them is often unproductive,” she adds.
It can be tempting, we know, but it probably won’t help—and that’s not on you.
Try to be (or at least appear) calm and confident
Even if you feel confused or frustrated, aim for this and stand your ground, Dr. Redziniak encourages.
Agree to disagree
The gaslighter just won’t let it go? Phrases like “I remember it differently” are good go-tos, according to Dr. Redziniak.
“Don’t enter a power struggle or take on blame for their behavior,” she adds.
Seek feedback and support from other trusted people
After being gaslit and questioning if you can trust your reactions and thoughts, it can help to receive validation and affirmation from others. Talking to a friend or family member may help you recognize their manipulation and see it as wrong.
Set boundaries
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with someone’s actions or behavior and then ask them to stop. Dr. Redziniak encourages setting boundaries.
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
Create distance as much as you can
This strengthens your sense of self, Dr. Kelley says, and allows you to reconnect with your inner voice—something the gaslighter may have tried to silence.
Walk away
If your boundaries aren’t being respected or you’re not happy anymore, Dr. Redziniak suggests you “be ready to walk away or end the conversation.”
Get expert help
Professional support can be key, too, especially if you feel unsafe in any way. Feel free to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), texting START to 88788 or using the online chat function.
If you’re dealing with a gaslighter or even think you are, you’re not alone. Trust yourself and get the help you deserve.
Up Next:
Sources
Dr. Larissa Redziniak, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in stress, anxiety, self-esteem and coping skills
Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author
