Yahoo Lifestyle People Who Weren't Told 'I Love You' in Childhood Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults
"I love you." It's ten characters, eight letters and three words. It doesn't look like much, yet it can immeasurably affect people of any age, especially children.
"'I love you' helps children feel secure and valued," says Dr. Dakari Quimby, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook. "It helps create a secure attachment style that later serves as a model for future relationships. It builds their self-confidence and resilience. When kids know they are loved unconditionally, they're more equipped to tackle challenges and build positive relationships."
However, psychologists say that people who don't hear "I love you" at children often develop these 13 traits in adulthood. They also share tips for healing.
Related: People Who Received Very Little Affection in Childhood Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Why You May Not Have Heard 'I Love You'
Understanding "why" can help you heal (and we'll discuss more tips later). Every situation is different, but cultural norms and generational cycles are common reasons parents and other caregivers may neglect to tell children, "I love you."
"Some cultures or families don't express emotions openly," Dr. Quimby explains. "If you aren't used to it, saying 'I love you' can feel awkward. Personal experiences can also play a part. If you didn’t hear 'I love you' often as a child, you might not be used to expressing your feelings this way."
Dr. Quimby adds that saying "I love you" can make people vulnerable, exposing them to potential heartbreak.
"[It] can be daunting, especially if they've been hurt before," he shares.
Ironically, the stakes of vulnerability can feel even higher when you love someone so much, as is often the case in a parent-child relationship.
"As a parent myself, there are times when I can feel an overwhelming love for my children, and that can be almost disorienting," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners. "There is this phenomenon, when you're a parent, that immediately following a moment of vulnerability like this, you're also acutely aware that you shouldn't take these little ones in your life for granted. That feeling can be quite scary."
People prone to anxiety or other mental health issues may be particularly inclined to back away and withhold sharing their feelings, Dr. MacBride explains. However, she encourages parents to do the opposite.
"I recommend leaning in and shifting your attention to the gratitude for that child and the moment," she suggests. "Embrace that moment and share the love you feel. Tell them."
Related: Does Narcissism Run In Families? A Psychologist Weighs In
13 Traits of People Who Didn't Hear 'I Love You' in Childhood, According to Psychologists
1. Low self-esteem
Hearing "I love you" in early childhood lays a foundation for self-worth. Not hearing it can prompt people to compare.
"Children often understand that others around them are being told they are loved and can be left wondering, 'Why am I not loved? What’s wrong with me? I must be the problem,'" Dr. MacBride says.
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Constant need for external validation
People can become insecure about themselves and within relationships with others because they don't feel valued, says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
"This may manifest as seeking validation from others by asking questions related to their sense of worth and importance to that person," she explains. "While all of us benefit from reassurance, the level of insecurity can manifest in seemingly incessant questions for validation and the sense from the person giving the reassurance that nothing will ever be enough to help the person feel secure."
3. People-pleasing
When a person doesn't feel lovable as a child, it's common to try to prove their worth as an adult by engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.
"The idea is that 'If I can be pleasing enough, then I will get the love I’ve wanted,'" Dr. Smith explains. "This concept connects to the internal locus of control in that sometimes it is easier for us to view that we have control over making something happen rather than the reality, which is that we cannot fully control anything."
Related: Fathers Who Used These 11 Parenting Phrases Often Aren’t as Close to Their Adult Children
4. Lack of self-identity
All that people-pleasing can turn a person into a chameleon. The problem is that they—and others—don't know who they are. Again, insecurity stemming from childhood is a culprit.
"When an emotionally unavailable parent is raising you, you don’t have a secure base from which to explore and understand the world," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "When that happens, you don’t have the opportunity to explore the world. This is how we construct our self-identity as we grow up."
5. Perfectionism
The seeds of perfectionism can also get planted during a childhood without much love.
"In an attempt to earn affection that was not freely given in childhood, some might strive for perfection in all they do, believing that they need to earn love and approval through achievements," Dr. Quimby says.
Related: People Who Were Considered 'High-Achievers' in Childhood Usually Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6. Lack of boundaries
Lack of boundaries is one way that poor self-worth, people-pleasing and perfectionism can manifest.
"If someone doesn’t believe they are inherently worthy of love due to not having heard it as a child, they may perpetually struggle to set healthy boundaries," Dr. McGeehan says. "They may over-commit because they believe they need to do whatever is requested of them to be lovable."
Dr. McGeehan says overcommitting can also lead to flakiness because, eventually, people decide to do what they want and say "no" at the last minute.
7. Fear of rejection
Dr. McGeehan says people who weren't told "I love you" as kids usually have an internalized belief that there's something wrong with them. As a result, they may feel wary of putting themselves out there career-wise or in relationships.
"If we don’t have a sturdy belief that we are loved, we will spend our whole lives being afraid that someone won’t like us, otherwise known as fear of rejection," she explains.
8. Fear of abandonment
Parental love feels fragile when a person rarely receives it, and those sentiments can grow bigger in adulthood.
"A child may believe that if they don’t behave in a certain way, their caregiver will no longer be there for them," Dr. McGeehan says. "This translates in adulthood to someone who is overly apologetic, doesn’t always share how they feel honestly, doesn’t hold boundaries and can appear flaky because they are over committing."
Related: People Whose Parents Weren't Affectionate With Each Other in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
9. Troubles with emotional regulation
Dr. MacBride says kids learn to self-regulate in loving and secure relationships.
"If you didn't have a safe practice ground for this when you were young, it might be very difficult to accomplish this as an adult," she explains.
These people may have shorter fuses and have more outbursts.
10. Emotional withdrawal
It's also common to emotionally detach. Frankly, it's understandable.
"When an emotionally unavailable parent is raising you, you typically don’t learn how to have a functional relationship with your emotions," Dr. McGeehan explains. "Additionally, because your parents weren't able to be vulnerable with you, it is incredibly challenging to learn to be vulnerable yourself. This shows up as quickly moving from relationship to relationship, difficulty keeping friendships."
Dr. McGeehan says it can lead to isolation in more severe cases.
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
11. Difficulty trusting and expressing love in relationships
Our relationships with adult caregivers in childhood are the first ones we have. If they're poor, we may sour on whether it's possible to form genuine affection with others.
"Those who are not told they are loved may find it difficult to trust or believe others when they express their love for them," Dr. MacBride says. "They may even see expressing love as a sign of weakness or disingenuousness."
12. Difficulty assessing healthy relationships
While people who don't hear "I love you" may form detached adult relationships, others may rush into and cling to them—even if they're toxic. Dr. Smith says that "I love you" is a part of normal, healthy child-caregiver relationships. People who don't hear those words lack that core, foundational experience.
"We tend to replay dynamics throughout our lives unless something motivates us to change," she explains. "Without a motivation to seek something different, this may mean expecting and accepting relationships that are not entirely healthy in regard to emotional expression, interpersonal depth and secure attachments."
13. Anxiety and depression
People who grew up feeling unloved are more prone to mental health challenges as adults.
"Mental health is impacted when one views that they were...not 'enough' in some way," Dr. Smith says. "It can involve dejected feelings along with wondering if others 'truly' care, which translates into low mood—depression—and anxiousness about what may happen within relationships—anxiety."
Related: 8 Signs You Have Toxic In-Laws and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
5 Tips for Healing From a Childhood That Didn't Involve Hearing 'I Love You'
1. Understand it's not your fault
You may have spent a lifetime in your head repeating a narrative that you're the problem. However, you're not the anti-hero in this story.
"Know that it was not about you but about the adult who struggled to say those words," Dr. Smith says. "This is not about blame. Rather, it is about attributing responsibility where it belongs."
2. Love yourself
A cliché but true: You have to love yourself first.
"While I’m not sure she coined the phrase, Sonya Renee Taylor popularized the term 'radical self-love' in her book The Body is Not an Apology," Dr. MacBride says. "It's this idea that you love yourself unconditionally."
While you may have craved this love from parents and caregivers, Dr. MacBride shares that learning to give it to yourself lets you build a foundation and heal. This process often includes challenging negative beliefs and replacing them with compassionate, accurate ones.
3. Explore your self-identity
Dr. McGeehan says this one is significant in her work with her clients.
"My clients...usually come in having compensated for a lack of hearing 'I love you' as having become hyper-successful, but underneath the coping skill, they don’t really know who they are," she explains.
Unpacking the layers of you can help you lean into your true interests and values so you ditch the people-pleasing, develop healthy boundaries, learn to say no the first time and show up as your authentic self for the people and events you actually want in your life.
4. Build healthy and supportive relationships
Along your journey of healing from childhood, you'll start to genuinely experience the love you didn't get as a kid, Dr. McGeehan says. This process takes time but is worth it.
"Having supportive relationships around you who understand what you’re going through is critical to this process," she explains. "They will be able to validate your experience, be present as you practice getting vulnerable and support you as you explore new facets of your identity that you gain along this process."
5. Seek help
Your childhood may have felt lonely. Healing doesn't have to—in fact, it's often useful to embark on your journey with the support of a therapist.
"Going to therapy can provide a safe space to explore unresolved emotions and learn healthy ways to express and receive love," Dr. Quimby shares. "Cognitive-behavioral therapy and other types can help restructure negative beliefs about oneself and relationships."
Up Next:
Sources
Dr. Dakari Quimby, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook
Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
