Yahoo Lifestyle Nikki Glaser Revealed The Jokes That Got Cut From Her Golden Globes Monologue, And I’m Not Kidding When I Say My Jaw Is On The Ground
Nikki Glaser may have a reputation for being a brutal roaster, but these scrapped jokes suggest she decided to hold back while hosting the Golden Globes on Sunday night.
As the first woman to emcee the Globes solo in its 82-year history, Nikki’s hosting debut was a roaring triumph.
Fans loved her, the celebs in the audience appeared to be having a ball, and even Harrison Ford — a man who is notoriously hard to get a laugh out of — approached her after the show to congratulate her on what a great job she did. But, most importantly, the show’s producers were seemingly impressed, too, having already dropped hints that she’s earned her spot to come back next year.
Delivering cruel quips about everything from Ozempic to Ben Affleck’s sex life, Nikki’s jokes are continuing to circulate online. And though one of her darker bits about Diddy has been met with some criticism, she stopped by The Howard Stern Show on Monday to unveil some of the jokes that were cut from her monologue — and let me just say…she’s giving Ricky Gervais a run for his money with some of these.
So, without further ado, here are some seriously outrageous jokes that didn’t make the cut because, according to producers, “You can’t say that on CBS.”
1.“This is the last time all of you will be in the same room together until the Diddy trial.”
In her actual monologue, Nikki joked that the movie Challengers “was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card” and included another line about how Diddy’s arrest meant that “the afterparty’s not gonna be as good this year.” She told Howard she decided to keep these jokes in because she felt they worked better and “you only get one Diddy mention.”
2.“If Adrien Brody could go back in time, he would thank baby Hitler for his career.”
She said she scrapped this joke after her Gen Z assistant told her she didn’t understand it. “Oh, we’re going to lose a whole generation on that joke, and then I’ve said ‘Hitler’ for nothing,” Nikki said. Instead, she opted to describe Adrien as a “two-time Holocaust survivor,” referring to his performances in The Pianist and The Brutalist.
3.“Only Murders in the Building is amazing. I think it’s so cool that legends like Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Meryl Streep are still at it… It’s so inspiring. It just goes to show you that you’re never too old to still need money. Please don’t fight Jake Paul.”
“Why are you still working so hard? What’s going on, did you get caught up in the Hawk Tuah crypto scheme?”
4.“The Golden Globes is the only show where you can see the biggest stars of movies and television joined together with the same goal — getting out of here tonight before Dax Shepard asks them to do his podcast.”
5.“The Wild Robot is nominated tonight — and by that, I mean Nicole Kidman after two white wines.”
Nikki said she decided to cut this one just in case Nicole didn’t take it well on the night. “I think she would’ve been cool with it, but you never know,” she said.
6.“Daniel Craig is nominated for his performance in Queer, which is a movie and not just what my Uncle Chuckie calls Wicked.”
7.“Nicolas Cage is here tonight looking well-rested after a night of sleeping in Elvis’s coffin.”
Another one she cut because she thought it was “just too weird” was: “Nicolas Cage is here, and so is the band of skeletons that follows him playing Ragtime jazz.”
8.“Glen Powell is nominated tonight for Hit Man. Who would have thought you’d only be the second-hottest hit man in America?”
Nikki said she was worried this joke might not land since the online interest in Luigi Mangione — the 26-year-old suspect charged in the killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson — had dwindled.
9.“I loved Conclave. It’s about choosing a new pope. It was heartwarming. It will touch you so much that the church will have to move it to another theater. Hot tip: You don’t need ID to get into the Conclave afterparty.”
“We didn’t do those because they were Catholic Church pedophile jokes — we’ve all heard them, we don’t need more of that.”
10.“Squid Game is a show where people starve themselves while ruthlessly competing for the ultimate prize. Oh, wait, no, sorry, that’s this show.”
11.“Timothée Chalamet took lessons in guitar, dialect, movement, and vocals to become Bob Dylan. While Bob Dylan became Bob Dylan the old-fashioned way: heroin and autism.”
Although this got cut, there was certainly no shortage of Timmy jokes on the night, that’s for sure.
12.“Michael Keaton was so great in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. And Alec Baldwin sadly did not come back to play a ghost because he was too busy making them.”
“Please know that I know that was not nice. It’s such a great joke, but it’s just too mean.”
13.“The film Anora is nominated for four awards tonight. It’s been called the most unflinching look at sex work since Matt Gaetz’s payment history.”
14.“Here’s Ben Affleck. I can’t wait to see which Jennifer you try to ruin next.”
Matt Winkelmeyer / Getty Images for ELLE, Bellocqimages / GC Images
She opted not to use this, but the joke she did use on the night was equally spicy: “Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch — these are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.”
15.“I saw Joker 2 and, you know, it reminded me of when the first Joker came out, and I was in the theaters, and I was afraid someone was going to shoot it up. And then during Joker 2, I was really hoping they would.”
In the ceremony, she made a scathing joke about the Joker sequel and followed up with: “I'm sorry Joker 2, where's their table? Oh, they're not here.”
16.“Denzel Washington is here. The only thing that has convinced more middle-aged men they could pull off an earring than Denzel Washington is cocaine. Kate Winslet is a lot like cocaine. She’s white, she’s always with Leonardo DiCaprio, and I can’t wait to find her at the afterparty tonight.”
Well, there you have it. I feel like there are a few of these she could’ve kept in… I would’ve loved to see Nicole’s reaction to The Wild Robot line. LMK your thoughts in the comments.
If you want to see a full roundup of the outrageous jokes that did make the cut, you can read them here.
I Rounded Up Nikki Glaser’s Best And Most Outrageous Jokes From The Golden Globes, And I Still Can’t Believe She Said Some Of These On TVEllen Durney · Jan. 6, 2025
After Reports That Gisele Bündchen Was “Hurt” By The “Distasteful” Divorce Jokes In Tom Brady’s Roast, Nikki Glaser Said She “Had To Go There”Ellen Durney · May 9, 2024
Nikki Glaser Has A Pretty Good Reason Why She Won't Joke About Blake Lively And Justin Baldoni At The Golden GlobesLarry Fitzmaurice · Jan. 4, 2025
