Yahoo Lifestyle I Rounded Up Nikki Glaser’s Best And Most Outrageous Jokes From The Golden Globes, And I Still Can’t Believe She Said Some Of These On TV
There were many winners at last night’s Golden Globes, but the person receiving the most rave reviews is undoubtedly Nikki Glaser, the ceremony’s host.
Marking the first time a woman has ever hosted the ceremony by herself in the 30 years since the Globes first introduced hosts (yep, I can’t believe I just wrote that either), anticipation was certainly high for Nikki’s debut following her killer set at Tom Brady’s Netflix roast back in May last year.
And now that the show’s over, it’s safe to say that she did not disappoint — particularly after the mess that was Jo Koy’s controversial hosting gig last year.
To fans’ delight, Nikki hit jokes about Ozempic, politics, “holding space,” and, importantly, Timothée Chalamet’s tiny mustache, smoothly finding the balance between being controversial but not too offensive. In fact, she did such an impressive job that critics are already hailing her as “the best host since Ricky Gervais.”
And while some of her darker quips about Diddy are copping some fair criticism online, there’s no denying that Nikki made a statement last night — and hopefully showed a few network bosses why they should ask women to host things more often.
So, without further ado, here’s a roundup of her most outrageous and hilarious jokes from the entire ceremony.
1.“Welcome to the 82nd Golden Globes, Ozempic’s biggest night.”
Starting off strong.
2.“Some of you may know me from my appearances on roasts, but I’m not here to roast you tonight; I want you to know that. And how could I? You’re all so famous, so talented, so powerful. I mean, you can really do anything except tell the country who to vote for.”
“But it’s OK. You’ll get ‘em next time. If there is one. I’m scared. Ariana, hold my finger?”
3.“This feels like I’ve finally made it — I’m in a room full of producers at the Beverley Hilton hotel, and this time, all of my clothes are on. So yeah, it was worth it.”
4.“Tonight, we celebrate the best of film and hold space for television.”
1 minute and 30 seconds in. Two jokes about theWicked press tour. So far, so good.
5.“Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch — these are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.”
For context, Ben wasn’t even there. Or nominated?! Talk about catching strays. J.Lo seemingly wasn’t in attendance either, which is unfortunate, but I’ve included Colin Farrell’s reaction above to make up for it.
6.“The Bear, The Penguin, Baby Reindeer — these are not just things found in RFK’s freezer. These are TV shows nominated tonight.”
7.“I look out and see some of the hardest-working actors in show business. And by that, I mean your servers.”
“They'll be bringing you your cocktails to drink and your food that you'll look at.”
8.“Denzel Washington is here for Gladiator II, Cynthia Erivo is here for Wicked, and Martin Short is here because we have cameras.”
YouTube / Golden Globes / CBS / Via youtu.be
9.“Zendaya, you were incredible in Dune. I woke up for all of your scenes.”
10.“Challengers? Oh my god, it was so good. That movie was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card.”
When the audience burst into mixed reactions of gasps and laughter, Nikki followed up by saying: “I know, I’m sorry. I’m upset, too — the afterparty’s not gonna be as good this year… ‘Stanley Tucci freak off’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. No baby oil this year, just lots of olive oil.”
11.“Tilda Swinton is, of course, nominated for her role as Timothée Chalamet.”
She subsequently told Timmy that he was “great as Timothée Chalamet this year, too.”
12.“[Timothée], you have the most gorgeous eyelashes…on your upper lip.”
Can confirm that Kylie Jenner let out a giggle at that one.
13.“Timothée, you’re so great at playing these beloved eccentrics. Dylan, Willy Wonka… Who’s next? Adam Sandler?”
She proceeded to do an impression of Adam Sandler saying Timmy’s name, which was so good that Adam himself joined in from the audience. Incredible TV.
14.“Dude, you were so good in A Complete Unknown as Bob Dylan... In fact, I actually read that your singing voice was so accurate that even Bob Dylan himself admitted that it was absolutely horrible.”
15.“We can't talk about movies tonight without talking about Wicked. I did not know much about Wicked going into this year because I had friends in high school.”
“I loved it so much. Everyone loved Wicked. I loved Wicked, my boyfriend loved Wicked, my boyfriend's boyfriend really loved Wicked.”
16.“Some theaters had issues with musicals. At Wicked, some people complained that the movie was ruined by people singing. At Joker 2, some people said it was ruined by the images on the screen and the sounds that accompanied them.”
“I'm sorry Joker 2, where's their table? Oh, they're not here.” OUCH.
17.“[Nicole Kidman], this is your 20th Golden Globe nomination, incredible, thank you so much for all of your hard work…and thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar around the house so much that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year.”
Nikki telling Keith Urban to “keep strumming, you kooky koala” might just be my favorite interaction of the night.
18.“You all look so amazing tonight. And I love where you put your cheekbones. I don’t judge; I’m doing it too now. I also recently started ‘drinking more water,' ‘meditating’...doing lots of that. I love how meditating removes your eyelids.”
19.“Moana, Anora, Maria — these are not just names Jeff Goldblum has mistakenly called Ariana Grande. These are some of the movies we’re celebrating tonight.”
20.“Oh, look! It’s two-time Holocaust survivor Adrien Brody!”
21.“Glen Powell, what a year you’ve had, Glen; you were in everything — Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist; I’ll see you tonight.”
*Reese Witherspoon voice* "Women's stories matter!"
22.“I really think this is going to be a very memorable evening, and maybe not even in the way that you think. I predict, five years from now, when you’re watching old clips of this show on YouTube, you’ll see someone in one of the crowd shots and go, ‘Oh my god, that was before they caught that guy!’”
“We could be making history tonight, and we don’t even know with who. He knows — or she! It could be a woman. I think 100% of the time, it’s a man. But it could be a woman… It won’t be. It never is. Kind of like [the winner of] Best Director.”
23.“Selena Gomez is here, double nominee tonight! And she’s here tonight with her new fiancé, Benny Blanco, and Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish.”
“Lucky guy!”
24.“If you do lose tonight, please just keep in mind that the point of making art is not to win an award. The point of making art is to start a tequila brand so popular that you never have to make art again.”
George Clooney, I think she’s talking to you. Or The Rock. Or Matthew McConaughey. Or even Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul? IDK, the list goes on.
25.“God, creator of the universe, 0 mentions [in acceptance speeches]. Mario Lopez, host of Access Hollywood, 1. No surprise in this Godless town.”
If you need some context, I invite you to watch Kieran Culkin’s chaotic acceptance speech immediately.
26.“The air is thick with the smell of signature fragrances and the lingering stench of ballroom salmon. ‘Ballroom salmon’ is actually the name of Stanley Tucci’s new cologne. Now available at Buca di Beppo.”
Number of unprovoked jokes at Stanley Tucci's expense = 2
27.“If you’re a woman over 50 in a lead role, they call it a comeback. If you’re a guy over 50 in a lead role, congratulations, you’re about to play Sydney Sweeney’s boyfriend.”
28.“Thank you so much for being such a great audience. I had the time of my life. And I cannot believe Angelina Jolie had to listen to my song about Popes. Goodnight.”
If you’ve not seen the Conclave and Wicked musical mashup in question, do yourself a favor and watch it here.
Killed it. And served some fabulous fashion moments, too. Good work, Nikki!
You can see all the clips from last night’s Golden Globes ceremony here. Happy awards season!
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