Mom wonders if she’s wrong for ‘making’ her husband put their tantruming 3-year-old to bed alone

With kids, routines can be absolutely vital—as many parents know. That’s illustrated by one family’s dilemma in a post on a Reddit forum, where a mom’s asking if she’s in the wrong after “making” her husband put their 3-year-old daughter to bed by himself. Before jumping to any conclusions, read her story, because the context is pretty important here.

“My husband and I have 2 and 3 year old daughters. Our 3 year old is suspected to have autism and we’re waiting on an evaluation, but we’re all pretty sure she has it,” the mom wrote. “Last night at dinner, my husband promised the 3 year old that she can stay up late since she’s not going to preschool today. I asked how late and he said 9. Bedtime is at 7:30. I told him I wasn’t going to deal with that mess and if he wants to let her stay up that late he can be the one to get her to sleep.”

Moms everywhere might have felt their blood pressure go up a tick after that paragraph: Pushing back bedtime comes with consequences. It seems like both parents had good intentions, but their approaches clashed.

“I got the little one in bed and watched my husband play with [our older child] while I cleaned up,” the mom continued. “Tantrums started at 8 and she was miserable when he got her in the bath at 8:45. She was melting down in the bath, then in bed, and he eventually gave her the pacifier (we’ve been trying to wean her off) and brought her to our bed at 9:45. She finally fell asleep at 10 and my husband told me he’s upset with me for leaving him to do everything by himself even when I knew they were having a hard time.”

The dad, feeling overwhelmed by the situation, seemed to wish his partner had been more supportive during that difficult bedtime. However, the mom had been very clear about her stance from the beginning.

The mom wrote at the end of her post, “I told him I wasn’t the one that promised the autistic 3 year old that she can break from the routine and go to sleep an hour and a half past her bedtime but he still thinks I should’ve helped.”

Now she wants to know if she’s in the wrong for not helping.

It’s so important to stick to routines with kids—especially when they’re little—and particularly for children with suspected autism. Kids need predictability in their schedule, which is why many kids thrive on a set routine, and why routines can be especially helpful for kids on the autism spectrum. That said, special breaks in routine can also be great for bonding and memory-making, so it’s important to balance that spontaneity with standard practice.

This experience seems like it highlighted for both parents the importance of communication and considering their kids’ needs when making decisions about routines. It’s difficult when one parent wants to prioritize fun over routines—and sometimes, there are consequences to those choices. The father’s desire to give his daughter more one-on-one time by letting her stay up late seemed to come from a place of love, even if it conflicted with their usual routine.

In the comments, others shared their thoughts.

“You were extremely clear that he would be doing this solo. He made his choice knowing the consequences it would have. It is not your job to clean up the messes he chooses to make,” the top-voted comment said. “Is he so checked out of the family that he doesnt realize the impact deviating from routine would have? Honestly, this would bother me on such deep levels. Why are you the default parent? And if you’re the default parent, why isn’t he talking to you before making commitments he can’t keep to your child? If you’re not the default parent, Why are you expected to swoop in and fix his mistakes(that you warned him would be a mistake, that you shouldn’t have had to warn him about in the first place if he were an active parent)??”

The mom responded, writing, “He actually didn’t know the consequences when he promised our 3 year old because I found out at the same time as her. He didn’t give me an opportunity to warn him. He’s a very involved dad, just a little clueless sometimes since our kids are the only kids he’s ever been around.”

One commenter wrote back, saying, “Chalk this up as a life lesson for him.”

Another highly voted comment said, “You should do this every time he tries to deviate from the routine and rope you into it.”

The mom also replied to that one, saying, “Oh he’s not deviating from the routine again.”

Parenting with a partner often involves navigating lots of decisions together—both big and small—which is why good communication is so crucial. Yes, routines are important, and so are those special moments that sometimes fall outside of routine. The trick is to find the balance.