Yahoo Lifestyle Children Of Divorced Parents Or Those Who Should Have Split Are Speaking Up, And Their Stories Might Surprise You
Warning: This article mentions abuse.
I asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to reflect on how their parents' divorce affected them in the long term. Everyone who shared their stories experienced this when they were really young, allowing for much time for introspection and perhaps, growth.
I got dozens of submissions from people all over the world. If your parents split when you were young, maybe some of these stories will resonate with you.
Here are 19 stories that reveal how divorce can affect children into adulthood:
1."My parents decided to separate when I was 12 years old, finalizing their divorce when I was 14 years old. Maybe I have repressed my childhood memories, as I don’t remember much other than living with two people who acted more as roommates than lovers."
"I do remember hearing arguments over the phone, door slams, and constant criticism of one another. And of course, the most devastating day of my teenage years, the day of the decision to separate. This was the only time in my life I have ever seen my father shed a tear or show any emotion.
Following a nasty divorce, both parents moved on to find partners more suitable for their personalities. Of course, my angsty teenage self was not happy about this, but as I grew older, each parent turned into a new loving person that I was happy to get to know. Perhaps this experience has deterred me from marriage and children, but in turn, it has transformed me into the independent, loyal, empathetic, kind person I am today.
2."It's a mixed bag. I think both of my parents were able to be more fully themselves after they divorced. They are now with people who share more similar values, so that's good."
"Their divorce did make me very hesitant to enter into any romantic relationship for fear that it would end. I finally took the leap and did go out on a date when I was in my late 20s. I am still learning to be comfortable but my partner is very kind and I appreciate him!"
3."I'm the child of two people who should have gotten divorced and I'll tell you I spent a long time hating my dad for not being a 'good' dad. And just as long asking my mom when she would leave my dad.
"My parents fought all the time. Even when my dad was dying, they were making passive aggressive comments to each other. Because of them, I don't know how to be a good partner. I don't know how to communicate well with my partner because I wasn't taught how to be on a 'team.' I have started therapy to work on myself and to help me become a better partner."
—Anonymous (35 years, Edmonton, Canada)
4."At the time, it didn't feel like it would impact the trajectory of my life in any way, as I had fairly supportive parents. However, now that I am a licensed psychologist, it is much easier for me to look back and identify the poor boundaries, where I was expected to console my parent as the child, the devaluing of one parent by the other, and the poor communication and co-parenting that went on.
"It definitely took a lot of time for me to learn what a healthy relationship should look like with my parents, but I am glad I can utilize this experience to help my current patients."
— Anonymous (33 years, Milwaukee, WI)
5."While I have no doubt seeing my parents divorce at age six influenced my ~anxious attachment style~, part of the reason why they split was because my mom wanted to move out of the small (and incredibly conservative) town we lived in. My dad didn’t want to leave the job and community he’d had for many years. Their divorce was incredibly messy, and traveling between them was challenging growing up, but I wouldn’t have had the amazing education and opportunities I ended up with if my mom hadn’t decided to divorce my dad and move to a more progressive area."
"It also meant I saw first hand how much single moms sacrifice and how resilient they are in their independence. As an adult, I moved to the UK to get my Master's degree and now work as a therapist for healthcare workers in London, possibly in part because I saw my mom make the choices she needed to for her own happiness."
—Anonymous (31 years, United Kingdom)
6."My parents divorced when I was 13, also had to change cities at that age, which for a pre-teenager to change schools was kinda awful. But I think that developed my character and also made me a strong, independent woman 🤣 but I have to admit that now that I am an adult, it’s been difficult for me to make a decision on wether or not to have kids, I think of the fear of a broken family again."
—Maria (32 years, Spain)
7."My parents getting divorced was definitely for the best. I was six when they broke up, and honestly I don’t really have any memories of them together. But they were much happier apart, and I think if they had stayed together unhappy, it would have made for a miserable home life."
"It definitely made me a more sensitive person, but I think that is a good thing. All in all, my life has turned out great, and I never once wished they had stayed together."
—Hilary (35 years, Illinois)
8."My parents got divorced when I was nine and I was stoked. My dad has bipolar disorder and addiction issues, and my mom stuck it out for 18 years, but she reached a breaking point and decided enough was enough. It was a good decision and taught me early on that I don’t have to put up with the abuse and trauma that comes with loving mentally ill addicts."
"I love my dad, but I’ve had to set boundaries. I was able to do so because my mom did it first. I turned out to be a happily married teacher with anxiety, but also healthy coping skills. I hope to be a good role model to empower the high school students I teach. Thanks, divorce!"
—Anonymous (32 years, Cleveland, OH)
9."I'm the oldest of four. My parents divorced when I was eight and my father walked out on us. According to my mom, I used to be an outgoing leader, but after the divorce I became a quiet follower."
"I also became the second parent since my mom had to go back to work. The struggles of the eldest daughter, am I right? We grew up poor, but my mom made sure we always had food, clothes, and a safe home. However, my mom was always worried about what might happen to us if she died, so she told me constantly that I was responsible for everything if that happened. I grew up terrified that something would happen to her and leave me alone to take care of my siblings.
Naturally, I ended up having anxiety and depression, along with daddy issues. Now I'm 33, and I'm the only one of my siblings who isn't married and doesn't have kids. I think that watching how my mom struggled after the divorce made me afraid of getting married. And the fact that I had to be a second parent to my siblings made me averse to having children."
I used to think that my life would have been better if my parents didn't get a divorce and my father hadn't disappeared. But when I got older, my Mom told me the truth about him. Turns out, my father is a registered sex offender and a pedophile. So in the end, even though my life as a child of divorced parents was hard... it could have been much worse."
—Sophie (33 years, Oklahoma)
10."I think my parents divorce when I was 15 left me way more guarded with my emotions and a bit less trusting of people. It definitely came as a shock, my brother and I didn’t know how bad things had broken down between them."
"I swore to myself I wouldn’t get married or have kids as a result, as I didn’t want to put kids through that pain. However, time moved on, and I ended up doing both and am now divorced myself, which was the right move for me. I am more disappointed I couldn’t provide an example of a healthy marriage for my children and worry about the impact it may have on their potential relationships in the future."
—Anonymous (45 years, Providence, RI)
11."Life is going great. :) My parents divorced before I can remember, when I was maybe three or four Despite that, I got married young (really young; I was 20, and he was 22), and we're still going strong. We have two daughters (2 years and 10 months), and we’re having our 16th wedding anniversary in January. We couldn’t be happier."
—Kimi (36 years, Phoenix, AZ)
12."I turned out strong but have many unresolved issues that I am actively working on. It was a very messy divorce that happened when I was 13. I am still in therapy to this day because of the trauma my mother caused me while going through this process."
"She had me subpoenaed to testify against my dad to pull custody away from him for my younger brother. Totally unwarranted and unjustified. Months and thousands of dollars later, the court finally realized my mom was being a lunatic and said 50/50 custody shall remain. Me and my two younger siblings still struggle every day with the fallout of a divorce that happened almost 20 years ago now. Our mom will never admit to her wrongdoings, so that is just something we have to be willing to accept if we want to have her in our lives."
—Anonymous (32 years, Minnesota)
13."My parents split when I was four. It was just my mom and I for 18 years until she passed away. I turned out fine. Graduated high school. Joined the army reserve. Completed my Bachelor's. Traveled to several countries. Married a man I met in college. Have a good job with great pay and benefits. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, two kids, and three states."
"The only 'bad' part was that when my mom died, she took many of the memories of my childhood with her. Since it was just the 2 of us, only I now keep those memories."
14."My parents divorced when I was eight. The yard duty lady at school was the one who told me. Disillusions (divorces) were posted in the local newspaper. Within two years, dad had remarried and had another child. Mom got the house and us four kids. She got a job that paid $2.10/hour. I remember being on welfare and getting food stamps. My oldest sister was a teen mom."
"However, we all graduated high school. I graduated college. None of us has ever been arrested. She kept us all fed and clothed, even if the clothes were sometimes hand-me-downs. She was always better than me when handling money. Mom was common sense smart. I learned to be a very independent woman. I went to college, had a career, and stood on my own feet. In relationships, I don’t need you in my life but, I am choosing to have you in my life. I have been told I’m too independent. I can assemble just about anything that comes in a box, i.e. vacuums, furniture, BBQ. I can change a car tire and car battery."
15."I was five when my parents divorced. They were always civil to each other and never said harsh words about the other parent in front of me. Both remarried. I was the first in the family to go to college and then eventually got a PhD. I realize some people had a difficult time, but I am living proof that if the parents behave, the kids can turn out okay."
—Anonymous (59 years, Georgia)
16."I was four years old when my parents divorced. I have only a handful of very vague memories of my parents being married: Laying on the couch with my dad watching a Tom Petty music video while my mom cooked supper. Random things like that. My mom divorced my dad because of his drinking. He was and still is a very high-functioning alcoholic. Good job, good retirement, but drinks every single day."
"As a kid, I didn’t think much about my parents being separated until the first time I spent the night at a friend's house whose parents were still married. The whole environment felt wholesome and loving. Not that my household wasn’t loving. But it just felt different, like a TV sitcom or something."
My mother went through several boyfriends and a couple of husbands, one of which was physically abusive to me and my siblings and mother, before I left the house. I never really had a father figure growing up. I saw my dad every other weekend and a couple nights a week. But never had a stable father figure in my life.
Now I’m a grown man with a wife and three beautiful children of my own. My wife also comes from a broken family. We knew going into our marriage that we wanted our kids to grow up with both parents in the house. My wife and I have a great relationship and hardly ever 'fight.' I believe growing up in a broken home has turned me into a better father and husband. Because I don’t want my children to experience it."
—Austin (34 years, Indiana)
17."My parents divorced when I was very young, so the one plus is the fact that I didn't have to deal with everything that comes with being older and aware like my older siblings did."
"But, growing up, I never learned what a real, loving relationship was supposed to look like, and now I struggle in that area because of it. Also, my father was very unhappy, and he took it out on me in ways that have screwed me up for life. I have no memory of my parents being together (mostly because I blocked that part of my life out), so I've had to piece together what the status of our family was when they separated. Overall, while I think my life with divorced parents is better than it would be if they were together, it's a really complicated muddle of feelings when I explore the 'what ifs' of it."
—Maria (21 years, Lincoln, NE)
18."Not great. Constant failures in relationships. I always try to do the right thing and it backfires. My heart aches more and more. I’ve decided I’m done with relationships for an extended period of time. Thank goodness for therapy and medication. Professionally, I’ve done well. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a fun, adventurous life, but it’s always with different SOs. I just want that one person to grow old with."
—Matthew C (46 years, Greenville, SC)
19.And finally, "I gained a realistic perception of the differences between women and men, which has helped me navigate life more easily."
—Anonymous (52 years, California)
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
