Let her be your fantasy

IN AT THE SHALLOW END
Ease her into a fantasy. “My boyfriend wanted to have sex on the beach,” says Jenny, 28. “I was reluctant, but he turned me on by whispering sexy things in my ear when we were out. Now I have my own fantasy: a quickie in a lift. Sure beats sand in your crotch.”

The lesson Plant the idea in her mind. If you’re nervous, tell her you had a dream about it, which also avoids making her feel inadequate.

TALK BEFORE TAPING
There are two types of arousal: reflex and psychogenic. The first is by physical touch, the second by stimulating other senses. Most relationships start psychogenic and fantasies help by adding stimuli, but talk first.

“My boyfriend wanted to film us,” revealed one of my clients. “We got so turned on talking about it, we didn’t need the camera.”

The lesson Arouse her mind. One guy told me the key to getting his girlfriend on film was “giving her control over the wardrobe. I stumped up the cash and told her to buy an outfit that made her feel sexy”.

Also, don’t hit “record” – the camera’s presence can be enough.

LET HER CHOOSE THE DVD
Sounds simple, but it doesn’t always come naturally for men. Particularly when we’re talking about porn.

“I wasn’t at ease with porn,” says Heather, 26. “I felt I was competing with porn stars and their bodies. But when my boyfriend said it would be fun to watch together, I was curious. We laughed, then tried some of the moves. Now I love ‘movie night’.”

The lesson A Washington University School of Medicine study found that women’s responses to erotic imagery are as strong as men’s. But they have to feel comfortable with the situation.

Try the educational angle and get a sex-instruction DVD from amazon.com.

HEAD BACK TO HER PLACE
If you think you have a fertile imagination, you should hear what women think about. So give her the opportunity to take the lead.

“Exploring fantasies is all about making her feel she’s not a freak,” reckons Doug, 31. “My wife’s a real Francophile, so I took her out for an amazing French dinner then pulled out a book of erotica by Anaïs Nin when we were in bed.”

The lesson You’re not the only one with fantasies, but a University of Vermont study found that 25 per cent of people feel guilty about theirs. Introduce fantasies when she’s deep in her comfort zone.