9 Signs You Might Be Considered 'Unapproachable,' According to Psychologists

Aloof. Distant. Detached. Standoffish. These are just a few words that also mean “unapproachable,” and they’re not exactly warm, positive descriptions of a person. 

While some people may actually try to be thought of as unapproachable (maybe they’re deeply introverted or have been through past trauma that makes them want to keep people at arm’s length), many people are unaware that they come off as unapproachable. These might be daily habits and gestures that you’ve done forever, and you have no idea that others perceive them negatively.

Either way, even if you know that you’ll need to work through some psychological hurdles, it can help to seem even a bit more approachable, since there are benefits, for yourself and for those around you.

“Being approachable can benefit both your personal and professional life,” says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., owner of Duality Psychological Services. “It makes communication easier, builds trust and helps you form stronger relationships.”

Psychologist Dr. Brianna Gaynor says that being approachable provides a basis for others to feel comfortable with you.

“It provides a forum or safe space for you to support others with your unique skills, and it creates a sense of contentment, as human connection and support are vital to our overall mental well-being,” she explains.

Whether you’re motivated to open yourself up more to others or to improve connections with people you care about, it can help to be on the lookout for signs that you’re perceived as unapproachable. These are things that you might personally be doing or are experiencing through interactions with others.

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What Does It Mean To Be Unapproachable?

“Being unapproachable generally means a person exudes the impression that they do not want to interact,” Dr. Frank says. “The person might verbally and/or nonverbally give off an impression that they are closed off, want their own space or are agitated, all of which signal to others that they do not want to be approached.”

You also can appear to be difficult to engage with or even intimidating.

“It generally suggests that there is no ease or comfort in interacting with you,” Dr. Gaynor adds.

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Why Is It a Bad Thing To Be Unapproachable?

There are several situations in which it isn’t ideal to be unapproachable. First of all, when interacting with your loved ones, you may be weakening your relationships, since those bonds are built on effective communication and emotional connection.

In fact, your loved ones may feel shut out.

“Even small things, like giving uninterested replies or having closed-off body language can create distance and chip away at trust over time,” Dr. Frank says. “It might even make them wonder how much they really matter to you.”

It also doesn’t bode well to be unapproachable at work. Dr. Gaynor says that for instance, if a new employee wants to present themselves as an asset to the company but they appear to be unapproachable, that may impact not only engagement with other employees but a potential engagement and relationship with the boss.

“Generally speaking, we are social beings who need to work together, and the way others perceive us and our willingness to engage, hear and understand them impacts all areas of our lives,” Dr. Gaynor says.

Related: 14 Behaviors to Ditch To Be a More Likeable Person, According to Psychologists

9 Signs You Might Be Considered Unapproachable, According to Psychologists

1. You Avoid Eye Contact

“Avoiding eye contact can give the wrong impression,” Dr. Frank explains. “If you are constantly looking away during a conversation, it might come across as if you're disinterested or uncomfortable. Eye contact is very important for showing you are paying attention and building trust.”

There are exceptions to this though: if you have been diagnosed with autism, you have a clinical reason why eye contact is difficult, if not impossible, and in your case, does not mean that you’re unapproachable.

2. Engagement With Others Is Limited

Dr. Gaynor says that when others do engage with you, their responses and engagement may be short and to the point. She adds that you may often find yourself having to initiate others in conversation.

3. You Fold Your Arms Across Your Chest

Dr. Frank says, “Folding your arms across your chest or standing in a closed-off way can come across as defensive or uninterested. Even if that's not how you're feeling, this kind of body language can send the wrong signal.”

He adds this example: you might be sitting in a meeting with your arms crossed and this could lead to your coworkers thinking that you're not open to ideas or collaboration.

Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This 'Rude' Habit in Public

4. You Often Interrupt

“Interrupting someone during a conversation can make them feel like what they're saying doesn't matter,” Dr. Frank says. “If you keep cutting people off, it might seem like you're not really listening to them, which can be very frustrating. Over time, this could even make people less likely to want to talk to you.”

5. People Aren’t Asking You for Advice

Does it seem as if no matter how much time you spend with someone, they always turn to others for advice or answers to their questions? Dr. Gaynor says that this could be a sign that you’re viewed as unapproachable.

6. You’re Frequently Negative or Critical

Dr. Frank says that frequently being negative or critical when talking to others can make you come across as unapproachable.

“If you're constantly pointing out flaws or shooting down ideas, it can create tension and make people feel defensive. Over time, this kind of behavior can end up pushing people away,” he remarks.

7. You’re Often the Last To Know

“You are often the last to hear details about personal or professional life events,” Dr. Gaynor points out.

8. You Look Like You Want To Be Somewhere Else

Do you find that you check your phone a lot when you’re with someone, or do you repeatedly glance at the clock? Do you tend to multitask during a conversation? Then there’s a good chance that you’re coming across as someone who doesn’t value the interaction.

“Imagine a colleague explaining something to you, but you're already typing an email or looking around the room,” Dr. Frank says. “The colleague could feel dismissed.”

Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Think Twice About This Common Social Habit

9. People’s Demeanor Changes When You Walk Away

“Once you are no longer engaged or in close proximity, you may find that the groups around you are often laughing and at ease,” Dr. Gaynor says.

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What You Can Do Differently

If you think that you’re coming across as unapproachable, know that you haven’t done anything wrong—based on your background, you may go into protective mode when you’re around people and you’re cautious around them. You certainly don’t have to change overnight, but there are some small changes you can make that may result in more positive interactions with others.

First of all, Dr. Gaynor says that you can work on something called “internal honesty,” in which inwardly, you express a desire to be approachable and are willing to hear others. It can be a tough truth to come to grips with, but in the long run, it could be beneficial for you and those you care about.

Next, you’ll need to tap into some vulnerability. Dr. Gaynor says that this involves sharing information about yourself in order to help others feel more comfortable.

“That doesn't mean you need to share something deeply personal—however, providing a nugget of something appropriate to the moment may be helpful,” Dr. Gaynor says. “For example, you are a leader at work and train administrative assistants in their jobs. Providing a story of your background and ways you have learned to be more efficient based on some struggles you may have had in developing an organization early on may help you normalize struggles and create a higher level of comfort.”

You can also make outward tweaks to appear more approachable, such as having open body language, smiling and making eye contact, things that can “show warmth and make you seem more attentive,” as Dr. Frank says.

Perhaps you’ve made strides in the right direction, but you’re still getting the feeling that you’re being viewed as unapproachable.

“We can do our best to adjust what we need but can’t account for others' reactions,” Dr. Gaynor says. “When you’re doing the work to be your best self, know that it’s not a guarantee that others will receive it the way you intend. Give yourself grace and learn to be proud of how you engage and show up in situations. Allow that appreciation not to be dependent on anyone else. You’re doing your best—be proud of yourself.”

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Sources

• Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., owner of Duality Psychological Services

• Dr. Brianna Gaynor, psychologist