WARNING: Confronting wedgie content ahead.
Here we were. It was a long weekend, and my husband and I had decided to take a quick road trip up to the Central Coast.
We were about 45 minutes in and today there was a different reason why I couldn’t sit still – an inevitable camel toe was causing my discomfort.
Yep I had finally done it. I’d seen the numerous articles and the plethora of unsolicited comments about Black Swallow’s racy hot pink high-cut swimsuit.
When I first put it on at home, I felt exposed. So I put on my favourite – and only pair – of denim shorts (thanks Marie Kondo), accessorised with a pair of my signature dangly earrings and made it fashun.
I studied my reflection in our TV (because we don’t have a full-length mirror in our house) and I was satisfied.
But when I sat down in the car I realised there was going to be a problem. A big, fat wedgie problem.
The act of sitting was not kind to my crotch. Yes, the swimsuit had adjustable straps but when I played the genetic lottery in my mother’s womb I had not been blessed in the cleavage department. So if I loosened the straps anymore I’d be facing another wardrobe malfunction – a nip slip. A girl with a bigger chest may have been able to resume a seated position more comfortably.
So there I was knowing that any effort to relieve my discomfort while sitting was a losing battle. I would just have to sit still and look pretty.
To be honest, I felt very Olivia Newton-John a la Physical but without the modesty of leggings and a shrug. “It’s very ’80s,” my husband remarked.
When we finally made it to the beach and my crotch was released from its torture, I was finally able to test the swimsuit for its intended purpose. My husband knew what he had to do, assume #instagramboyfriend mode.
And while I was posing on the beach and I saw the results the swimsuit started to grow on me. The colour brought out my tan and I didn’t feel like any part of me that was covered by the swimsuit was going to make an unwelcome appearance. And my small boobs were a blessing because I feel like if I had bigger breasts I’d feel more exposed and would have to hold them in place as I frolicked.
As for going into the water, the swimsuit stands up and I didn’t have to readjust more than I would have to wearing other bathers when I got out of the water. You would think it would require more rearranging, but I was pleasantly surprised – and I am a bikini wearer.
All-in-all the Black Swallow swimsuit and I got off to a rough start, but eventually it stole my heart and now I’ll definitely be reaching for it when I go to the beach. Even though, for me, it wasn’t functional as everyday wear, it is a swimsuit and it worked out really for me. Plus the extra Instagram content didn’t hurt.
Got a story tip? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
Or sign up to our daily newsletter here.