Yahoo Lifestyle Strings-free sex
Hooking up, having a fling, making booty calls… whatever you want to call no-strings-attached sex, it can be glorious fun.
But, just like committed relationships, it can also mess with your head and turn ugly if you’re not cluey about what you’re involved in. In fact, a recent study in the Journal of Sex Research shows people who have casual sex are more likely to have lower self-esteem and higher levels of anxiety and depression, so don’t go in blind.
Debbie, 38, managed to maintain a thrilling year-long casual arrangement with a former colleague by keeping her emotions in check. “We didn’t fall in love, but our affair worked for both of us,” she says. “There’s something very liberating about concentrating solely on physical pleasure, without having to wade through mundane, daily relationship-type stuff. We liked each other, but our focus was sex rather than how we felt about each other or where the relationship was going.”
Being realistic and aware of your options are the keys to ensuring you have a smooth ride. Here’s how to do it…
Make sure you… Keep an eye on your feelings
Debbie’s fling worked because she and her mate were “on the same page”, she says. “Neither of us played games, or ever expected it to turn into a great love affair.” But unclear boundaries can cause complications – as was the case for Yasmeen, 28. “Although he was clear from the start that he wasn’t interested
in a relationship, I was so into him I settled for what he was offering,” she says. “I thought the physical intimacy would eventually make him see that I was what he’d been looking for.”
But when he announced on Facebook he was moving overseas, she realised how deluded she’d been. “I was broken,” she says. As Yasmeen found out, since traditional relationship rules don’t apply, being “friends with benefits” can leave you vulnerable, says sexologist Dr Marlene Wasserman. “Even when you’re working creatively around the issue, people get attached to each other when they have sex,” she warns.
Relationship coach Jonelle Naude agrees: “Despite choosing someone you think you won’t fall in love with, you could end up heartbroken if he remains emotionally unavailable.” And vice versa: a survey by dating website C-date found more men than women say it can take just two to five dates to feel “attached” to a mate.
Make sure you…Are clear about what you want
Be honest with yourself – it’s as important as talking straight with your FWB. If you’re telling yourself that you’re attending to your “needs” but really crave emotional commitment, then you’re pursuing a relationship under false pretences, says Naude. “If you’re seeking this type of arrangement to feel validated, you could also be setting yourself up for a fall.”
Ask yourself: what do I want out of this arrangement? Am I really OK with this being nothing more than sex? Will I care if he falls in love with someone else and dumps me? If your stomach churns when considering these, you’re probably not in the right space to keep things casual, warns Naude.
Clear, mutually agreed boundaries are vital. How will the affair actually play out? Will you meet regularly or only when one of you feels like it? Will you socialise together? Will you stay overnight? Will your friends know about your arrangement? It goes without saying that practising safe sex is non-negotiable. And remember: this is not necessarily a monogamous arrangement, however honest you think he’s being with you.
Make sure you… Ride the physical learning curve
There’s nothing like mind-blowing sex to make you feel more attractive and confident, says sexologist, psychologist and GP Dr Wilme Steenekamp. It can also help you tap in to your adventurous side. “It can be exhilarating to experiment with sex without having the responsibilities and restrictions of an emotional relationship,” says Steenekamp. Use the relationship to learn more about your body and your sexuality – it’s easier to do when you’re not worrying about your joint finances or his ex texting him again.
Make sure you… Always stayopen to change
When Debbie’s friend met someone he wanted to date seriously, she was actually relieved. “We both knew our relationship had no future and we were stuck in a holding pattern,” she says.
One of the problems with no-strings sex is that, because your sexual needs are being looked after, you close yourself off from pursuing relationships that have longer-term prospects, says Steenekamp. “It can create an emotional comfort zone, so as soon as you find yourself wanting (or ready for) something more challenging and enriching, it’s time to move on,” she says.
But Naude says, “If you both start to feel a growing emotional connection, there’s no reason why no-strings sex can’t develop into a committed partnership. Once you decide to change the rules and invest in a permanent relationship, a new chapter begins.”
ID your hook-up
A study on casual encounters from the University of Ottawa, Canada, found that what you call your fling can influence the way it unfolds. Researchers identified four different types of no-strings sex:
One-night stand These one-off events start hot but cool off very quickly – usually after the booze wears off. An early-morning exit is a customary courtesy.
Friends with benefits Mates who get it on. This hook-up, which generally begins and ends with friendship, is the one most likely to morph into a committed relationship.
Booty call A bedmate on standby who is typically called on via a late-night SMS. A “break-up” occurs simply when someone stops sending or responding to the texts.
F- buddy A frequent booty call. It should not be confused with “friends with benefits”, who are buddies beforehand. Once the sex stops in this hook-up, so does the friendship.
