Yahoo Lifestyle New-school dating rules
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Even before Jane Austen started penning her true-to-life tales of romance, rules and dating have gone together like Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy.
But, as Austen herself knew, rules are made to be broken – or at least bent – especially when they’re out of, er, date. We spoke with psychologists, scientists and relationships experts to see which courtship guidelines needed a bit of bending, to give you some modern dating strategies (oh yeah, but feel free not to follow them).
Stuff this rule: Don’t have sex on the first date
There’s a reason for the no-sex-on-the-first-date rule, but it’s not to protect your chastity. Delaying sex gives you time to figure out if you’re both in it for the same reasons before you wind up physically entangled. But it’s your brain – and not a seemingly arbitrary date number – that’s the best guide. A University of Iowa, US, study found that a horizontal evening early on in a relationship doesn’t doom it, as long as both of you are looking for more than a f*ck buddy. (Likewise, if what you both want is a regular booty call, then by all means, get it onnnn.)
Stuff this rule: Let him pay
Sure, it’s nice to be taken out for dinner, but unless you’re looking for a sugar daddy and you don’t care about having an egalitarian relationship, you should insist on paying your way. OK, that’s a bit dramatic, but the point is you want to set the tone from the start that you’re an equal partner, and contributing financially does that, says Chiara Atik, author of Modern Dating: A Field Guide. Most guys will want to pay on the first date (men have rules too). But after date one, “It’s all about the new 50-50”, says Atik.
That doesn’t mean going Dutch (laying down two credit cards after a candlelit meal is about as romantic as flicking through your Instagram feed mid-date). Instead, find other ways to pony up. Did he buy dinner? Reciprocate by covering your drinks and paying for the next meal out.
Related: How to safeguard your sex life
Stuff this rule: Don’t contact him too soon after the first date
That old wait-for-him-to-call-you-or-you’ll-seem-desperate rule is best left back in the age before mobiles, since texts are the perfect medium for making plans to see him again and a key to modern flirting, especially if you’re a little bit shy.
Aside from texting, here are a few guidelines for using other forms of communication to reach out:
Call: after three or four dates.
Email: skip it if you’re sending a “Hey, what’s up?”-type message (texting is better for this). Go for it if you want to send him a link to a bad lip reading on YouTube that you think he’d like – as soon as the day after the first date.
Instant message: don’t. Once you start it’s difficult to stop, and long convos should be done face-to-face while you’re getting to know each other.
Facebook: friend him after two dates. But don’t post on his wall until you’re in a few of his photos.
Tweet: follow him, tweet him or reply to something funny that he’s said – after a few dates.
Related: Online dating tips
Stuff this rule: Don’t see more than one bloke at a time
There’s no harm in dating a couple of guys and you’re not obligated to tell them they’re not the only fella in your life – as long as you practise safe sex, says Dr Pamela Regan, author of The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage.
“Until you and the guy you’re seeing mutually decide to be exclusive, there’s no reason to turn down other dates,” adds Atik. “It’s actually smart to see other people because it keeps the pressure and expectations surrounding one person from getting out of control.”
Stuff this rule: Don’t date a colleague
Dating on the job’s been considered iffy since Mad Men times, but when you spend three-quarters of your life at work, your chances of meeting someone there may be better than meeting him in the outside world.
“Today, work and social lives blur together, so it’s less taboo,” says Dr Jeremy Nicholson, a psychologist who studies dating. According to a 2013 CareerBuilder survey, 39 per cent of workers have dated a co-worker. And hey, Leila McKinnon and David Gyngell, Obama and Michelle, and Brangelina have all made it work after meeting on the job.
Just keep in mind that dating at work is one thing; running your own version of The Bachelorette is another. Also, check your company’s policies; some look down on it.
Baby, it’s cold outside
Your bloke more of a The Fast and the Furious man than a The Notebook kinda guy? You may have more luck getting him to sit through a sappy film with you when it’s chilly, according to a recent report in the Journal of Consumer Research.
Marketing boffins found subjects – both male and female – who’d just had an iced tea or sat in a cold room were 83 per cent more likely to choose to watch a love story to those who weren’t shivering.
“Physical coldness activates a need for psychological warmth, which leads to an increased liking for romance movies,” says study author Dr Yacheng Sun. Time to put the tyre-squealing, gun-totin’ flicks on ice then.
