Go slow for better sex

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When you feel a strong sexual connection with someone, it’s tempting to want to tear off their clothes and go at it.

But taking time to savour the experience has a big pleasure pay-off. “When you engage your body and mind in bed, you’ll feel more relaxed, connected to your partner and aroused – all of which result in better sex,” says sexologist Dr Logan Levkoff. “Plus, taking things slowly will stave off your orgasm so that when you finally do peak, it will feel more explosive.” Here, tips that’ll help you slow down and enjoy the ride.

Before sex

In the morning, start getting primed by shooting your partner a sexy text or sending an email to their personal account: “What are you going to do to me later?” or “I can’t wait to get you out of your work clothes.” (Just make sure you don’t write anything too graphic – you never know who might end up reading it.)

According to Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, “The act of writing stimulates the imagination in ways that other sensory media does not. Writing compels you to fill in the blanks and create your own visuals. The combination of the writer’s words and the receiver’s interpretation is actually a form of sex in and of itself.” Plus, telling him what you’re planning to do to him that evening will keep you on his mind all day.

“Given how busy and distracted we all are, it’s often this ‘getting to sex’ stage that’s most challenging,” says WH sex expert Jacqueline Hellyer.

“I call this stage of sex ‘beforeplay’. It removes you from the stresses of the day and gets you connecting and building up some erotic tension.” After a long day at work, Hellyer suggests taking time to sit outside after dinner with a glass of wine and look at the stars.

“Preferably with you wearing a skirt and no knickers,” she says. “Or take the dog for a moonlight walk – the above dress code applies.” Too much washing up? Hellyer suggests you clean up the kitchen together – naked. Too knackered? Curl up in a robe and read some good quality erotica.

“Before-play is not the most ‘out there’ phase of sex,” Hellyer says, “but it is the most important; most people need time to transition into sex – men as much as women).

During sex

Start things off with sensate touch – a series of exercises designed to increase trust and arousal without touching each other’s genitals. “The goal of it is to relax and build intimacy,” says psychologist and sex therapist Dr Arlene Goldman, co-author of Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy.

She suggests stripping down, then taking 10-minute turns playing giver and receiver, applying stimulation everywhere but your bits. Don’t focus so much on how your touch makes him feel, but rather on how you feel touching him. Slowly stroke his pecs and arms, kiss around his inner thighs and run your fingers through his hair. When it’s his turn to touch you, ask him to lick your inner thighs, rub your lower back and feet and kiss your neck.

Foreplay is an important part of slow sex. Problem is, couples often motor through it. Prolong it by stopping in the middle to kiss, share a sexual fantasy, or exchange massages.

Another option: take a break and go down on each other until you both climax – and then start up again. If you can...

Ready for intercourse? Choose a position that encourages you to stare into each other’s eyes, such as missionary or girl on top, with him sitting up and facing you.

“Positions that give you a full view of each other’s naked bodies can build arousal too quickly, while ones that lend themselves to eye contact increase intimacy and tend to build arousal more gradually,” says Dr Levkoff. Start moving slowly in random, circular patterns – it will feel good for both of you without building that steady momentum that leads to immediate orgasm.

After sex

“The time after sex is just as important as foreplay,” says Dr Goldman. “It’s like eating dessert after a fabulous dinner.” Lie still for a minute while he stays inside you, focus on the sound of your heartbeats and breathing. “Staying physically connected will keep you both feeling bonded,” she says.

Then try a little dirty talk. “Speaking intimately can be a wonderful way to stay connected and prolong the sexual experience, because the dialogue almost puts you into a sexual trance,” says psychotherapist Dr Tina Tessina. Asking specific questions, such as “Did you like it when I did ‘X’ to you?” or “Is your body still tingling too?” helps you stay in the moment more than open-ended questions, which let your mind wander.

If you’re up for another go-around, tempt him with some self-stimulation. “By letting him know you’re ready for sex again, you’ll keep him in a heightened state of arousal,” says Dr Kerner. “Since a man’s main goal is to keep his partner turned on and sexually satisfied, seeing her all charged up will most likely have the same effect on him.” Win-win, people.

Feeling a bit more inspired now? Time to gear up for a deliciously slowed-down experience...