Yahoo Lifestyle "Get Over Yourself, Pal": Most Of The Internet Is Appalled By What This Rich Man Said To His Girlfriend, And I'm Curious What You Think
Finances are already a major source of conflict in many relationships, but add in an income imbalance and a trust fund baby? Whew.
Reddit user u/Remarkable_Cow2557 — who I'll call Rem — recently posted about just this in the r/AmITheAsshole subreddit. Here's the full story:
"My boyfriend (24, male) and I (24, female) are moving in together in June. We have been together for 3.5 years. I have been in grad school for the past few years, have significant student loan debt, and will not have any steady income until September after I graduate and start my job. I have some money in savings, so I am planning to use that to survive and pay rent for the next few months."
"He was trying to be helpful and help me create a budget but kept overstepping and making me feel stupid. I don’t think this was his intention, but I felt very frustrated, and I told him to back off as I felt he just couldn’t understand. For context, he makes a ton of money, has a trust fund, and a huge inheritance will be coming his way in a few years. He receives from his parents yearly THREE TIMES the amount I am trying to survive on for the next six months. So, financially, we are on different planets. He said something along the lines of: 'You’re lucky I love you and am paying more for rent because it’s not really equal.' (He is paying 2:1 based on his income, family money, and my debt, which we agreed on)."
Rem admitted that she "kind of lost it on him" and said his advice is meaningless because he comes from so much privilege that he just doesn't understand what it's like. Apparently, he "took this the wrong way," storming out and telling her not to speak to him.
Well! Lots of comments for this one, as you might imagine. Most people said that Rem is not the A-hole:
"'You’re lucky' and 'it’s not really equal' are not phrases I’d want to hear from my SO. He might want to help you, but he’s got a hell of a way of saying and showing it. You’re definitely NTA. I’d be concerned, for future reference, that when you ARE able to work, your income still won’t match his, and it will continue to be an 'it’s not equal' type of relationship. That will be an issue."
"I can only imagine how many times that comment is going to be thrown in her face when he’s frustrated. OP, pump the brakes on moving in. He’s already characterizing you as a burden and a mooch. He will continue to weaponize his financial position over you. That will only get worse. NTA."
"NTA. I come from privilege, not trust fund privilege, but my rock bottom will always be a bed, which is incredibly privileged. With my partners I’ve lived with, I have said they can pay what is equitable or what they were paying prior. If they want to do things to improve their life, like classes or hobbies, they could take it out of the rent money and pay less. If a breakup occurs, I let them pay no rent for the month (or two) until they find a place. A lot of people don’t understand a financial disparity in a relationship and what that power dynamic can become."
"Be careful with anyone who tells you that you should be grateful, especially when it’s not something they worked for. He got lucky; he should feel happy to make your life a little lighter by sharing what was shared with him. It is by no merit of his own that he has abundance. TBH, this guy might fall onto my 'eat the rich' list with his behavior."
"'You're lucky I love you' is kind of gross, especially in an unbalanced financial dynamic. Like, get over yourself, pal. Do you really, honestly think your girlfriend is just as special as you are? Because it doesn't sound like it. NTA, OP. Your BF is just being a run-of-the-mill pampered kid who is accustomed to being praised for every semi-intelligent thing that comes out of his mouth. He was angry at you for not looking up to him in gratitude for his tone-deaf analysis and patronizing advice. Hopefully, he sees a more moderate perspective when he cools down."
However, quite a few thought everyone sucked here:
"ESH, you more of TA than him. You say he was trying to help and wasn’t intending to make you feel stupid. You have resentment that he’s wealthy. It’s not his fault; it just is. You say he makes good money, so he works and isn’t a rich bum. He may be trying to offer you sound advice; often, wealthy people do understand investing because they have money to play with. Telling him he can’t possibly understand and to back off is not a productive way to have a conversation. Him saying you’re lucky he pays more also isn’t helpful since it was what you agreed upon. You need to get the chip off your shoulder."
"You guys just have completely different experiences with money, and you’re not wrong for your experience but he’s also not wrong for having his experience. If his help comes from a loving place, then your response (your very valid response!) needs to also come from a loving place and not a place of insecurity or shame."
"Also, the correct response to 'you’re lucky I’m paying most of the rent' is 'you’re lucky you have the money to do that. Most of our access to money is pure luck and circumstance.' As a fellow poor, I love when rich people act like other people are lucky to know them and their money, and they never think about how incredibly lucky they were to just be born at the right place, LOL. I also have the feeling that, even though he’s paying twice as much as you are, it’s still a significantly lower percentage of his income than your rent is to you."
And some people even thought OP was the A-hole in this situation:
"You say he has no idea but that he also earns more money and subsides your life. You also have no idea what it's like to financially support a partner who is in debt, has no steady income, and is assuming they'll magically have a job in a few months."
"YTA. It seems like you resent him for his money... or because he's genuinely trying to help. I never understood why people get so upset by hearing the truth. He's paying 2 to 1; it's an objective fact. Let's say you split it evenly — would you start resenting him more or less? He snapped at you; you snapped at him. It happens. Figure it out, or move on and find someone in a similar financial state if that would make you happier."
Have you ever dated someone from a different socioeconomic background? Did it work out, or did you break up? Why? Share your thoughts in the comments below or in this anonymous Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
