Yahoo Lifestyle Wives Are Sharing The Red Flags They Didn't Notice Until After The Wedding, And Everyone Who's Dating Needs To Read This
Even though someone may recognize a few issues early into a relationship, that doesn't mean they may break up with the person right then and there. In fact, most may try to work things out, which is normal! But it seems some may have regretted this decision. After being asked: "What signs have you ignored while dating, which is a problem after marriage?" women flooded the BuzzFeed Community comment section with their own thoughts and experiences. Here's what they said below.
1."This one may seem minor, but not getting enjoyment out of mutual activities. My first husband was always willing to do anything I wanted, for example, go to concerts of bands that I liked. But he never enjoyed himself. Just sat there patiently. He loved riding bicycles, which I don’t enjoy at all. We never enjoyed anything together. Eventually, I preferred spending time with friends because we could enjoy some of the same things. That’s when I knew it was over, and I really just had a roommate, not a partner."
"Absolutely agree. I was in a long-term relationship like that. Over time, I found myself doing fewer of my favorite things because it just wasn't much fun doing them with someone who wasn't having fun either. It was a slow-burn type of sadness."
2."Love bombing, manipulation, and control — classic traits of a narcissist. RUN! I did. Divorced and happily remarried."
"Me too! Divorced and happily sharing my bed with my dog. Being alone is a million times better than being with a narcissist."
3."The parents in the relationship is a big no. It's ok to be close to your parents, but you need boundaries. My best friend married a guy, and a couple of years later, they were having some issues. She overheard him telling his parents over the phone after getting home early from work one day that they hadn't had sex in over two weeks. That's just gross. She divorced him shortly after. She wondered what else he told them when she wasn't around."
"That's the biggest issue in my relationship with my husband. I am really close with my parents and had no boundaries — and before him, I used to tell my parents everything. It's been really difficult to hide issues from them. I always went to them for advice or helping me with decisions. My husband is very patient with me and understands how I'm gradually letting go."
4."'I hold grudges.' Run far away."
5."I always feel like a huge red flag is when their exes are always the 'crazy ones' — like all of them. Nothing in their relationship breakup was ever them; it was always the ex. Now, I’m probably the 'crazy' ex-girlfriend, and I mean, probably not wrong because he did indeed drive me completely bonkers."
6."His mother referred to him as her 'perfect son.' She had more than one son. I’ll just let your imagination fill in the effects that had on his personality, and his ability to take criticism or deal with disappointments."
7."My ex was way too agreeable with everything from financial decisions to starting a family to political affiliations. At first, I thought it was because we were so like-minded and a really good fit. Later, I realized he didn’t have his own identity or direction and was just going along with whatever I suggested. When I was diagnosed with a serious neurological disorder and needed him to step up to the plate for a bit, I realized I couldn’t rely on him to take the helm. I still had to be 'in charge' of everything. He’s remarried now and, not surprisingly, mirrors his wife’s thoughts, beliefs, and decisions and follows her lead on everything. He was never abusive, but it was a red flag that he didn’t have his own identity or goals and couldn’t be relied on if and when things got tough. I wanted an equal partner, not a minion. I’ve been remarried for 20 years to a good man. I wish my ex the best, though, and hope he is happy."
8."If anyone considers someone 'inferior' to then, that in itself is a red flag."
9."His anger issues. At first, he seemed passionate, but it turns out he doesn't like being challenged. He's a narcissist. I can ask him in the nicest way to PLEASE dry the bathroom after he's done in there, especially after I just spent two hours scrubbing and cleaning it. He will tell me that nothing he does is ever good enough and I am ungrateful. 'It's a water closet! That's what it is for! Water!' That's just a milder example."
10."I wanted to add a lack of ability to communicate about or follow through on plans. I remember a few things early on where he wouldn’t really communicate details of plans, so things would get missed, or I’d be left sitting there alone for hours. Once we had kids, and things got more complicated and busy, I would communicate elaborate plans about 'you have the kids here, bring them to me here at this time with this stuff, then I can finish this, and you can go do that, and everyone gets to do their things,' and he would end up turning up late without the necessary equipment, and I’d have to drop my activity so that I could take over with the kids while he went and did his thing. I guess that all just amounts to a lack of respect for my time. I was excited about having a set schedule in a custody agreement so that would stop this from happening. In the end, he’s just worked things out, so he’s a Disneyland Dad, and I still do all the work."
11.Yes, I ignored red flags and ended up spending 24 years with him. Jealousy was the #1 issue. I saw it as devotion while we were dating and assumed he would calm down once we were married. He did not. Another issue that ended up being HUGE for me was his lack of follow-through. He was handy with most everything and never wanted to hire anyone to make repairs, but he would never completely finish a project. In 2009, we had to replace our back door, and we bought a storm door to install at the same time. When I left in 2020, the screen door was still in its box in the living room. He did only the bare minimum for everything and just left the rest hanging."
12."I initially loved it when my ex would never give up when we had a fight and call me multiple times to resolve the issues. However, over time, I realized he never gave me space, and we only ended up getting angrier after those phone calls. When I tried breaking up with him, he did everything toxic to keep me with him, including calling me hundreds of times, threatening suicide if I left, etc. At one point, I was too frustrated and scared of him."
—RM
13."My husband actively helped plan the wedding, and so did the husbands of most of my friends. The ones who didn't? They have some of the worst marriages I've seen. One of my coworkers (male) is getting married in about three months, and someone asked him the other day if he was enjoying wedding planning, and he said, 'Oh, I don't care. I told her just to tell me when to show up, and I'll be there.' YIKES."
14."This might sound weird, but I would be cautious about marrying the favorite child. My husband has a really hard time seeing his own flaws and handling any sort of criticism. He would rather lie and blame shift than just accept that he has areas that need improvement. I now realize that he spent his entire life being told he was the favorite child while his older sister got all of the criticism. For me, my husband is well worth the effort, and I would 100% do it again because I think there are worse red flags out there, and we all probably have them. But just know what you are getting yourself into and be sure you have the self-confidence to know when you are right and the humility to lead by example in admitting when you are wrong."
15."It wasn't until looooong after we split up that I had the clarity to pick up on a toxic pattern. Every time we were about to spend time with MY family, whether they were coming to us or we were on our way to them, we'd get into an argument. Every time. Without fail. In those moments, I was so emotional that I didn't really take note that, yet again, we were fighting on our way to see my mother."
"I didn't realize his tension level was through the roof, not because he was worried about pleasing my family, but because he had to keep up appearances. He couldn't talk to me the way he did when we were alone. He wasn't in control of me when we were around people who loved me. If he can't be relaxed around other people who love you? BIG red flag."
16."Looking back, I don't know how I missed it, but stealing! My ex stole hundreds of dollars from both strangers and friends and had no problem lying about it — but told me like it was funny! Don't know why I didn't dump him right then."
Have you ever ignored red flags early in your relationship that ended up becoming a huge issue later on? Tell us what happened in the comments below.
