Yahoo Lifestyle Millennials Are Getting Brutally Honest About The Things Their Parents Did That They “Passionately Won’t,” And You Know What, Good For Them
Note: The below story discusses body dysmorphia.
Conversations around generational differences in parenting are nothing new — millennials critique their Baby Boomer parents and vice versa. So, when redditor abigailswanson asked the r/Millennials subreddit to share the toxic parenting traits they refuse to pass on to their kids, the responses got very, very real. Here's what they said their parents did that they "passionately won't."
1."I worked my whole summer when I was 15. I saved up around $1,500, and my dad opened a bank account for me and put my money there. I never touched it after that and didn't even know how to access it if I wanted to. Three years later, I started college and was at the bookstore getting my textbooks for my first semester. I called my dad and asked him if he wouldn't mind helping me buy the books, and he said, 'You're 18 now; I'm done!' I was like, 'WTF?! Well, then, let me get my money from my account.' He said, 'What money? You spent it all.' I asked when, and he said every time he asked me if I wanted something like shoes or a jersey, he was using that money to buy it. Sounds like bullshit to this day. Either way, he said the money was gone. That is one thing I will never, ever do, especially to my kid: fuck them over and spend their money."
2."Talk negatively about my body or slut-shame my daughters."
"My dad used to call me names and make fun of my weight when I was a teenager. He thought he could shame me into losing it. It did not work; in fact, it did the opposite."
3."Constantly offload the problems in my relationship onto my children."
"Why do they do this? My mom would just dump on my brother and me about issues with my dad. But mainly, she would trash talk/complain about my grandparents, uncles, and aunts on both sides. It's a habit I picked up on and have worked really hard to correct (talking about/complaining about people) because it's so toxic."
4."Get into petty fights while on vacation and spend the rest of the vacation mad at each other. Seriously, every vacation memory from my childhood is of nothing but petty squabbles, and the first vacations I took as an adult without my parents seemed strange without some dumb, petty drama ruining them."
5."Treat my own child as a burden."
"I never understood this logic. My parents had three kids before adopting me, and they hated all of us. I mean, why didn't you stop at the first one if you realized it wasn't working?"
6."Force them to go to church."
"My mom dragged me to church every Sunday when I was younger. Eventually, I got to a point where I'd rather go work cows with my dad and get yelled at than go to church."
7."Keeping my yard looking like a golf course. I'm not going to spend half of my day off trying to impress people I don't know with something that I don't find too impressive in itself. Besides, a 'yard' is not sustainable when treated that way!"
8."Work way too much."
"This! My parents both worked about 60 hours a week with the commute. It's great they have a lot of money for retirement, but they never got to come to my games. Now, I'm overcompensating by being my kid's lead in sports and scouts, but still trying not to hover too much. It's tough to balance making money and making time for the kids and, like, five minutes for yourself."
9."Fear-based parenting."
"My mother told me last year, in our first true conversation in years, that she and my father hit me when I was a kid because they 'didn't know what else to do.' And my siblings (who did not receive said punishment) wonder why I'm no contact with my parents."
10."Not allowing my kid certain foods like sugar or white bread. I think everything is OK in moderation, but my parents wouldn't allow it, and when I moved out, it set me up for bad eating habits because suddenly, I could eat whatever I wanted."
"Similar to this, but from the other end of the spectrum: I refuse to use food as a reward system like my parents did. Good report card? Happy meal. Finish my chores? Bowl of ice cream. My husband's mom did the same to him, and we both went into adulthood with terrible eating habits driven by our brains being trained to need junk food to trigger our natural dopamine reward system.
We both have struggled with our weight our whole adult lives. We have treats in moderation, but never as a reward for good behavior. When we told our pediatrician this, he practically gave us a standing ovation."
11."Implant my fears and anxieties onto my child. Just because I can't handle something doesn't mean they can't try if they want to. They can find their own limits and establish their own comfort zone."
12."Stay in a failing, toxic, horrible marriage."
"My mom is so much happier since my dad died. It's sad to think he never got the chance to be happy without her in his life. They could have been two rad, happy people, but no, religious convictions about divorce took that possibility away."
13."Have children when I can't financially or emotionally support them."
"Mine had four. We were lower-middle class and, at times, below the poverty line, I'm sure. We were homeless at one point and staying at a friend's place. In the '80s and '90s, people could just make a situation like that work. Three of us went to college, and we're all doing fine. I feel like the same situation in the 2020s would have left us destitute and starving."
14."Bar my future kids from dyed hair or piercings. I'd probably still make them wait until they're 18 for tattoos, but that's more for brain development/maturity rather than 'you're not allowed to because I hate alternative looks.'"
15."Force my kids to eat everything on their plate."
16."Pressure them to get perfect grades. Yeah, you should try, but you don't have to be the best."
"All of that! I got rewarded with money for my grades. Shoot, they don't even send report cards home anymore, so unless I'm diligent with checking his grades online, I don't know. I will be a little stricter when he gets to older grades, but who cares about elementary school?"
17."Belittle my kids. Being condescending is not the way."
18."Smoking is the big one. As a kid, I remember waking up before my parents, and I always knew when they woke up because I could smell the smoke from my room. It was absolutely disgusting. I'm so glad smoking indoors has become mostly obsolete (at least where I live) because there was nothing worse than being bombarded with the smell of cigarette smoke any time you walked into a restaurant or the house of a heavy smoker."
"My mom would 'only smoke in the kitchen' as if it didn't stink up the entire house."
What are some things your parents did that you refuse to do with your own kids? Tell us in the comments or fill out this anonymous form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
