Nurturing sibling love

Your beautiful children, in a perfect world, will grow up playing happily together and being the best of friends. But the reality is that sibling rivalry can sometimes get in the way. Here’s how to give your littlies’ relationship the best start…

The ground work

When you first fall pregnant with a sibling for your toddler, you’ll want to share the news with family and friends. Don’t forget to talk to your child, too, so that she doesn’t hear about it from anyone else.

As your pregnancy progresses, continue to share with your toddler and try to keep her highly
involved with preparations for bub.

Starting early on this works best and will give your toddler time to adjust to things like room changes or new furniture. Avoid moving your littlie into a bed late, too, as she may resent the new baby for ‘stealing’ her cot.

Toddlers can be understandably confused by the prospect of a sibling, so lots of reassurance is necessary. Toddlers don’t always have the language they need, so drawing or role-play with toys can be great for acting out and expressing emotions. Also use toys to practise cuddling and helping with the baby, so loving behaviour patterns are established early.
Don’t use complex analogies when talking to your child about her sibling, and steer clear of promising a new ‘playmate’ for her, as babies aren’t ready to play for quite a while.

You can foster sibling love by having your toddler stroke and feel the baby’s kicks through your pregnant tummy. Developmentally, toddlers learn more through sensory experiences, rather than through complex language.

Meeting the new baby

When your toddler first meets her new sibling, it will likely be at the hospital. Having a special gift from your baby for your toddler, such as a ‘Big Sister’ T-shirt, can help build the first connections of love. Your toddler can have a special present for the baby, too, such as a toy that she picked out. This enhances giving and sharing from that first emotional contact.

At their first meeting, allow your toddler to lovingly touch, kiss and cuddle her new sibling, to begin a loving bond. If you practised safe, gentle cuddling with toys beforehand, you can avoid lecturing her to be careful with bub now. Don’t allow the excitement, noise and confusion to overwhelm your toddler, and don’t let everyone focus on the baby while ignoring your toddler.

Bringing baby home

When you first get your new baby home, your toddler will be excited, but also confused and emotionally disorientated. These mixed, conflicting emotions can be hard for a toddler to understand and your littlie will need reassurance or she may act out. This also means that it’s best not to leave your toddler alone until she has adjusted to your family’s new addition, and with this comes new challenges. For example, just as we all do when a baby is added to the mix, your toddler will need to learn patience. Babies can’t often wait to be fed! Follow such times with special, uninterrupted time with your toddler.

You may be exhausted and emotionally drained, but try to avoid getting angry at your toddler if her attempts with bub aren’t perfect. Her new sibling will take some getting used to.

Baby on the move

When your baby becomes mobile your toddler will have a new playmate – but also someone who might ‘seek and destroy’! Developmentally, your toddler believes that her sibling thinks the same as her, so if bub pushes her stack of blocks over, she sees this as naughty and deliberate behaviour. Your toddler will need you to gently explain to her that the baby doesn’t know better and isn’t being mean. Watching old family videos can help in showing that she did the same. Don’t allow your toddler to discipline or act like a little ‘parent’, rather show her how to gently lead and guide her sibling. Don’t tell her to give in or put up with the baby, though. Now is the time to begin sharing, but also to give your toddler some private space.

Sibling rivalry

Most babies get far more attention, laughs and cuddles than their older sibling. To reduce sibling rivalry, be firm in directing family or friends toward your toddler’s news and activities. Make sure your toddler has something to show Grandma, such as a favourite drawing, to even up the chance of getting attention.

Toddlers often haven’t fully developed empathy, so are understandably jealous when bub gets to stay at home with a parent while they have to go to daycare or preschool. When she gets home, don’t tell your toddler too much about the fun day you had with her sibling. Play it down slightly so she doesn’t feel she has missed something important. Also, reassure your toddler that she can have special, one-on-one time later.

Most of all, sibling rivalry is natural and occurs in almost all families. However, showing and expressing love equally to all, while demonstrating sharing and caring, usually leads to lovely bonding and the building of strong sibling love.

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