No, gentle parenting is not permissive parenting

Gentle parenting. You’ve probably heard the term tossed around on Instagram or in parenting groups. But let’s set the record straight: gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It’s not about allowing kids to call the shots or skipping boundaries because “kids will be kids.” That’s not gentle—that’s chaos.

Gentle parenting is about raising humans who respect themselves and others. It’s about meeting emotions with empathy, setting boundaries with love, and, yes, messing up along the way. For a new generation of parents striving to break patterns of anger, judgment, and resentment, gentle parenting is as healing as it is powerful.

So, why does being gentle spark so much controversy? And why are so many conversations lately focused on judging parents for validating emotions instead of denying them? Let’s break it down.

Gentle parenting acknowledges feelings (without judgment)

We’ve all been there. Your toddler’s toast breaks in half; suddenly, it’s THE END OF THE WORLD. Gentle parenting teaches us to pause and acknowledge what’s happening:

“You’re upset because your toast broke? That’s hard.”

No judgment. Just recognition. This doesn’t mean you scramble to fix the toast. (Because guess what? They’ll probably ask for it broken again in five minutes.) Instead, it’s about validating their feelings so they know their emotions are safe.

Over time, this teaches kids to process their emotions rather than bottling them up. They feel seen. And isn’t that what we all want—to feel like our feelings matter?

Related: The problem with ‘gentle parenting?’ It’s not always gentle on mothers

It starts with you

Here’s the catch: gentle parenting starts with you. Yep, before you can help your kid calm down, you need to check your own temperature.

Your kid is losing it in the Target checkout line. Embarrassed? Stressed? Ready to scream? Been there. Many times. But the first step isn’t managing them—it’s managing yourself.

Take a deep breath. Pause. Center yourself.

If you escalate, they’ll escalate. But if you stay calm, you model how to handle big feelings. Is it easy? Not at all. (Read: you’re a real human in the Target line, not a Zen master—yet.) But from personal experience, slowing down to center yourself first is a game-changer.

Related: Yes, you can train your toddler to have fewer tantrums—all through play

Firm boundaries, loving delivery

Here’s where people get it wrong: gentle parenting doesn’t mean a boundary-free household. Kids need structure. They need to know the rules—and that those rules aren’t going anywhere.

Say your kid refuses to brush their teeth. Gentle parenting doesn’t just say, “Fine, skip it.” (At least most of the time.) Instead, it might sound like this:

“We brush our teeth to keep them healthy. I know you don’t want to, but it’s non-negotiable.” 

It might take patience, creativity, or even giving them space to brush their teeth on their own accord 15 minutes later. But it doesn’t mean giving up on the boundary and that we don’t brush our teeth.

Gentle parenting isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about handling it with kindness and consistency. You can set limits without being harsh—and that’s precisely the point.

Related: Dad’s gentle parenting moment caught on camera is healing hearts all over the internet

You’ll mess up (and that’s okay)

Spoiler alert: no one does this perfectly.

You’ll yell when you don’t mean to. You’ll set a boundary and immediately regret it. Gentle parenting isn’t about never messing up—it’s about owning it when you do.

“Sorry I yelled earlier. I was frustrated, and that wasn’t fair to you.”

Repairing the relationship shows your kids that mistakes happen—and they’re fixable. It also teaches them self-compassion. If we can forgive ourselves, they’ll learn to do the same.

Why gentle parenting gets a bad rap

From the outside, gentle parenting can look like permissive parenting. You’re calm when your kid’s melting down. You’re talking about feelings when others think you should be dishing out punishments.

What critics don’t see is the work. Gentle parenting isn’t passive. It’s active, intentional, and honestly, it’s exhausting sometimes. But through the struggle comes true growth in self-understanding, patience, and modeling those habits for your kids.

Gentle parenting is about teaching your kids to respect themselves, others, and the world around them. It’s about raising humans who can handle life’s ups and downs with resilience and empathy. And it’s about breaking cycles—letting go of the anger or reactivity you might’ve grown up with.

So, what’s the difference?

• Permissive parenting says, “Do whatever you want.”

• Gentle parenting says, “Here’s the boundary, and it might be tough, but I’ll help you navigate it.”

• Permissive parenting avoids conflict.

• Gentle parenting leans in to understand what’s really going on.

• Permissive parenting leaves kids untethered.

• Gentle parenting grounds them with love and structure.

And while we’re all human—we get tired, we make mistakes—gentle parenting is not about letting go of control. It’s about guiding with respect.

The bottom line

Gentle parenting isn’t just a trend—it’s a mindset shift. It’s about connection, empathy, and boundaries that build confidence—not chaos.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you’ll mess up. But if we want to raise kind, resilient humans, it’s worth the effort. And I speak from experience; it’s a journey that heals us as much as it helps them.