'My partner and I both take separate holidays without our kid... and I'm not sorry'

Can separate holidays be a powerful antidote to parent burnout? I took one for the team to find out.

Lyndsey Rodrigues
·Head of Yahoo Lifestyle and Entertainment
Updated ·8-min read
I recently left my son and partner at home to go on a solo trip - and I have zero regrets. Credit: Supplied.
I recently left my son and partner at home to go on a solo trip - and I have zero regrets. Credit: Supplied.

A few weeks ago I did something that some parents may find really shocking. I jumped on a plane and headed to New York - my former home - for a few days. But, here's the kicker: I left my partner and two-year-old son behind.

For four days I wandered around the city I love thinking only of my needs. I revelled in looking after only myself - doing what I wanted to do, only worrying about what I had to take with me for a day out (as it turns out - not much when you're childfree!) and indulging in the whims of my former life.

Did I miss my family? Of course. Did I need some time out? To quote a New York character as divisive as this very topic, "Abso-f**king-lutely."

"Although we might love our significant other, not all couples like doing exactly the same things or have the same ideas for what makes a good holiday," Gemma Crib of Equilibrium Psychology told Yahoo Lifestyle. "Allowing each other to take separate holidays allows you to have the holiday you really want without compromise or complaints."

This rings true for me.

From L-R: Pizza from Joe's, White Bear Dumplings and tacos from Antojitos Charly. Credit: Supplied
From L-R: Pizza from Joe's, White Bear Dumplings and tacos from Antojitos Charly. Credit: Supplied

During my time away I immersed myself in my passions that my partner isn't interested in and that my son is too young for. I found the best tacos in New York (shout out to Turnstile Tours for the epic food journey through Jackson Heights!) and finally tried the dumplings from White Bear in Flushing that I have been dreaming about for about ten years.

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I also checked out the latest art at MoMA PS1, wandered through Central Park, discovered life-changing Italian Ices in Queens, ate my favourite pizza (it's Joe's - no follow-up questions), braved the lines at Katz's Deli for the iconic pastrami on rye, hung out at my old neighbourhood bar in Brooklyn and had an epic birthday dinner at my favourite West Village restaurant. It was exhilarating and exactly what I needed.

And then, the day after I got back, my partner left to go to the snow for four days because he loves to ski and I truly cannot imagine anything worse. In other words, we each got to go and do the things we enjoy and have a break from the demands of full-time work and raising a toddler.

My partner (left) then went on his own holiday to the snow. Credit: Supplied.
My partner (left) then went on his own holiday to the snow. Credit: Supplied.

While separate holidays may sound like the beginning of the end to some couples, according to Amanda Gordon - Psychologist and Clinical Director at Armchair Psychology, it can actually signal a very strong relationship.

“If you're already in a great relationship, you can actually do all sorts of things," Amanda says. "So, you can be separate, you can be together, you know that both things work for you, you know that intimacy is important, but you also know that a break from intimacy is okay, and that there is no threat."

Where it gets trickier, she says, is when there is already strife in the relationship that is not going to get better from taking time apart.

"The problem is, if the relationship's on the rocks, I rarely find that being separate makes things better together. So, people who say, 'let's take a break for a while' - that's a way of not confronting the relationship in a way, and it's not as useful as actually facing what's going on in the relationship."

You know how the old saying goes...New York is always a good idea! From L-R: Little Island, Bryant Park, Central Park. Credit: Supplied
You know how the old saying goes...New York is always a good idea! From L-R: Little Island, Bryant Park, Central Park. Credit: Supplied

As I mentioned, my partner and I have very different interests - I'm happiest strolling through art galleries and museums, and going to cocktail bars and live gigs while he loves all kinds of sports (and is annoyingly good at all of them too). This is why, occasionally, it can make sense for couples like us to go our separate ways - at least temporarily. It means we get to enjoy our family life while still living our own lives too.

"Couples will often find that doing things separately allows for some level of independent identity, which can help your relationship maintain life and spark in the long term," says Gemma. "For parents, getting time away to be an adult (rather than just a parent) can help with resilience and maintain mental health."

Which, of course, brings me to the part where I dared to leave my son - who I absolutely adore - for a few days to get some 'me time'. While I cannot wait to take him to New York and drag him around all of my favourite spots while he feigns interest and rolls his eyes at me, I also relished the opportunity to explore my old home in my own time and without the mental load that comes (along with the joy) of holidaying with kids.

"I have absolutely no problem with it," Amanda says of parents taking a "holiday" from their kids. "Even if they're a bit distressed by it, they'll recover. They're much more resilient than we give them credit for. If they have a loving relationship with you, even if they feel the separation is difficult, they'll recover. They will recover from that and get on and live perfectly reasonable and normal lives and have no problems."

So, does that mean that my portrait shouldn't be hung in the parenting hall of shame for taking some time out to reconnect with my pre-mum self?

"Listen, in generations past, your two-and-a-half-year-old would have lost you once or maybe even twice already as you would have gone to hospital to have another baby," laughs Amanda.

"They don't need ongoing permanent attachment to their parent. The attachment is an internalised thing that happens over time. So your actual presence isn't the key. It's when you are present, you are spending quality time and being attentive and mindful.”

I can absolutely say that taking those days to myself and immersing myself in my pre-baby life was like an elixir that did indeed help me regain some of the patience and mindfulness I felt I was losing amid a home renovation, work pressures, sickness and worries about my ageing mother.

While I am not suggesting for a second that every parent can and should pop off to a foreign country or ski field when they need a time out, I am suggesting that by honouring our pre-parent selves and giving our partners the space to do the same, we may actually be creating a happier and stronger family unit.

Maybe taking separate holidays sometimes (when possible) can help to make the family unit stronger. Credit: Supplied
Maybe taking separate holidays sometimes (when possible) can help to make the family unit stronger. Credit: Supplied

So, whether it's a pampering weekend at the spa with the girls, a camping trip under the stars, or just a night or two at a friend's house - we should all feel empowered to take a break. Not from our families themselves, but from the inevitable stress that comes from loving other people so wholeheartedly.

There is, of course, a caveat and that is that you need a partner who is willing to participate in these types of breaks.

"Generally the principles of fairness and willingness should be honoured," says Gemma. "No one should agree to anything they feel is unequal or unfair in any way. Entering an agreement with a genuine willingness (rather than resentfully or begrudgingly) will ensure that it remains a positive experience for both parties. This often means making sure the length, timing and cost of the holiday, what sort of experiences it will entail, and how much contact will be had with the partner should all be discussed and agreed upon up front. Similarly, it is a good idea to discuss if the partner remaining home needs any more resources or support while the holidaying partner is away."

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Adds Amanda. "I think it's important to acknowledge who has child-rearing responsibilities and parenting responsibilities and make sure that they're acknowledged, and there isn't just an assumption that the other one will be able to just step in. The one who isn't used to doing the parenting might need some extra support while the parent is away, and that's okay."

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