How to handle randoms asking why you don't want kids over Christmas

Tis the season for eggnog, curling up with a good Christmas movie and alas... getting asked inappropriate questions by relatives you see but once a year (love you, aunt Gladys, but back off, yeah?). Oftentimes, said questions when aimed at women, sadly revolve around the state of our wombs (read: babies). Whether you want them or not, it can be a tricksy conversation to navigate.

Seriously, it's kind of a downer when a relative feels the need to ruin a perfectly good family dinner by asking when you’re going to have kids. But the thing is, it's even more of an agg when you are absolutely certain you don’t want kids. Probably never will.

The double standards at play are kinda wild. Perhaps your sister’s children are currently stampeding around the table, mouths smeared with chocolate and high on sugar. Why doesn’t anyone ever ask her why she did decide to have kids? Okay, that would be rude, but it’s equally impolite to interrogate your reproductive choices too. So, what’s a kid-free-and-content-to-remain-so gal (/guy/person of any gender) to do?

First and foremost, marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, PhD, would like to reassure you that if, when, and whether or not you choose to bring life into the world is simply no one else’s damn business, and you don’t owe anyone an answer. When it comes to responding to this ever-dreaded inquiry into your future family plans, Richmond suggests first simply shutting the conversation down by reminding any nosy relatives that this is a personal boundary you’d rather not discuss.

Of course, in a perfect world, that’s all that would need to be said. Unfortunately, especially when wine is involved, people have a tendency to trample all over whatever boundaries you lay down. So Richmond suggests two polite answers to hand out when grilled about having babies, which take the first and second slots on our elaborate list of responses below.

The rest, the author—hi, it’s me—takes full credit for, so apologies if any of these come off a little too snide. Whether you’re just trying to be honest, wanna get political (godspeed), feel like getting a little snarky, or want to turn the tables and make the person who posed this impolite question feel the same discomfort they just tried to put on you, here are 47 responses for when someone asks why you don't want kids.

Feel free to bookmark in case of emergency this festive period...

When you’re just trying to be honest

The simple truth is: Many people don't have a ready answer when asked why they don't want kids because, when you just don't want them, it’s probably not something you even think about until society imposes the question on you.

“Historically, our culture has considered kids the end all be all of life, but we do not need to have kids to make our lives feel complete or because that's what everyone says we should do,” says Aaron Steinberg, MA, PCC co-founder of Grow Together, a company offering relationship support for parents. “Many people choose not to have kids and live very fulfilling lives, and a lot of research shows that kids actually do not make your life better on average.”

While there are plenty of reasons people may not be interested in reproducing, here are a few simple responses that may ring true to you and will hopefully get the point across to any prying great-aunts.

1. Sorry, I'm not interested in talking about that, but I'd be happy to talk about something else.

2. Please know I understand your curiosity here, and that I think about this question too. But, at this time, I'm not willing to discuss it. If anything changes on my end, I promise to let you know.

3. I don’t know why I don’t want kids. I don’t think about it because I don’t want them. I just don’t.

4. I like my sleep.

5. I require lots of alone time.

6. I prefer my chosen family.

7. I like my life the way it is.

8. It’s okay if I make different choices than you.

9. I’m worried about postnatal depression.

10. I want to prioritise my career ruthlessly.

11. I think I’d regret it.

12. Never.

13. I draw the line at cleaning up poop.

14. Kids deserve parents who want children. I don’t.

15. Please respect my privacy.

16. I want to be free to travel the world.

17. I love my friends’ kids, but I don’t need my own.

When your reasons are political

If you’re fed up with societal expectations of what a family should look like or concerned about bringing children into a world wrecked with problems, here are some responses that pack a political punch.

1. It costs more than £1,000 a month to raise a kid in the UK. I’d rather spend that on me. And don't get me started on the lack of decent maternity pay.

2. I’m reducing my carbon footprint. I don’t feel right about bringing new life onto a planet that’s dying of a climate crisis.

3. I refuse to buy into cisheteronormative expectations of having a nuclear family.

4. I don’t want them, and if I change my mind when it’s “too late,” I will happily foster or adopt.

5. Based on the way you’re pressuring me, I must know: Are you accepting money from the fertility lobby?

6. I think society assumes that we’ll all walk the traditional path of getting married and then reproducing, and not everyone really thinks about it. I thought about it, and I don’t want that.

7. Kids? In this economy? On this burning planet?

8. No, I don’t want children. I’m already happy and fulfilled with the chosen family that I’ve created.

9. I have other care-taking responsibilities.

10. As parenthood is currently unpaid labour, I’m uninterested.

For those who like a little snark

Sometimes you’re just over it. Like, how many times is someone going to grill you about this topic? Why are they so obsessed with your reproductive organs? It’s creepy, honestly.

“When are you going to climb Mount Everest?” sex therapist Kelly Wise, PhD suggests responding. “Just because it is societally assumed that children are in people’s future, does not mean they are, or that they need to answer questions about their personal life.” Hear hear.

1. Because I don’t want them.

2. I have tokophobia (fear of pregnancy).

3. I do have kids. My cat.

4. I don’t like children.

5. Aren’t eight billion homo sapiens enough?

6. I didn’t like my own childhood.

7. I can’t even keep a houseplant alive.

8. Dolly Parton never had kids.

9. I loathe cartoons.

10. I like a clean house.

11. I want to be the cool rich aunt (or uncle).

When you want to make them uncomfortable

And, finally, sometimes snark isn’t enough. Sometimes you just want to put a reverse card on the table, like you’re playing Uno, and give whoever asked such a meddlesome question a taste of their own medicine. So here are some responses of the sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll variety.

1. I like my sex life.

2. Why don’t you mind your business?

3. I’m baby.

4. My therapist agrees that remaining child-free is best for my mental health.

5. I’m worried my kids would be nosy and say inappropriate things. Like you do.

6. I fear the loss of autonomy would be soul-destroying.

7. If I want to blast my ego to smithereens, I’ll try ayahuasca.

8. It sounds hard and boring. Please pass the wine.

9. It’s my duty to end the family curse.

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