Yahoo Lifestyle Women Are Revealing The Things Guys Think Are "Normal" That Make Women Feel Unsafe And Men, You Should Take Notes
If you're a woman, you've probably been in a situation where a man crossed the line, whether it was through physical actions or verbal remarks.
Sometimes, an uncomfortable situation for a woman can seem "normal" for a man. We've all been there in the face of a defensive statement: "What! I wasn't doing anything wrong." Maybe not for you. Because there are so many of these less "obvious" things guys do all the time that actually make women unsafe, I asked the BuzzFeed Community if they had any personal experiences of their own.
Here's everything they shared:
1."Not taking no for an answer. Whether they're asking for your number, a date, or even to be 'friends.' They think they're demonstrating how interested they are, but they are actually being creepy (at best)."
"I had a guy approach me, tell me I was beautiful, and then ask for my number. I politely declined. He asked for my socials, and I declined again. He said he just wanted to be friends, so I showed him my wedding band. Shockingly, he no longer wanted to be friends 🙄."
2."The 'where's my hug' guy 🥴 Please don't make it weird."
3."Constantly changing the subject to sex."
4."Making unsolicited comments about your body, even if they're not sexual. I'm a bartender at a restaurant, and the amount of times men make comments on my body is not OK. I don't care if it's not sexual. Please don't make comments about my body. I do not know you, and it's super uncomfortable, especially when you're behind the bar and already feel like an animal being watched at a zoo."
Similarly, "I had a guy say, when asked if we had met before, 'We must not have because he would have remembered my body.' I was in my 20s and he was in his 50s — he said this in response to my male boss asking him this."
5."I am a cleaning lady. I have run a small business for 25 years, and I still get asked, 'Do you wear a French maid outfit when you clean? Just curious.' I mean… How stupid."
6."Catcalling. Idk why some men still do that shit."
"And then mansplaining how, 'It's a compliment,' when it isn't and never has been."
7."The 'Oh, but I'm sure he didn't mean it that way' mentality when you try to tell them how another man made you uncomfortable."
8."Whenever they say, 'Oh, you're so small, haha,' or 'You look so fragile,' or 'I could pick you up.' One time, my boyfriend and I were messing around, and he grabbed my forearm (his hand was able to wrap easily around it) and said, 'Your arm is so small, I could break it so easily.'"
"I know he was joking, but it scared the crap out of me. It reminded me of the imbalance between our strengths, which is kinda scary considering there are men with bad intentions out there."
9.Similarly, "Showing off how physically strong you are. All you are doing is pointing out that you could be a danger to me if you wanted to be."
—Anonymous
10."Calling out to us in the street... especially if the voice is unfamiliar. Whether it's someone who wants our attention (like we dropped something, for example) or it turns out to be a man we know, we initially fear the worst. It's a kind of fear men would never understand. Is this a catcall or the start of a genuine threat to our safety (especially if we are alone)? Our instinct is to be uncomfortable."
11."Easily when a stranger (or anyone I'm not close with) puts his hand on my lower back as he walks behind me as a way to kind of move me out the way. At the end of the day, a man wouldn't do that to another man. It's a gendered touch."
"I don't like having someone's hands on me like that, and I don't like that men subconsciously view it as appropriate to touch me in a way they wouldn't touch each other."
12."I’m a mom of three, and with every. single. baby, if I was out with them alone (without my husband or friends), it was ALWAYS men, usually much older men, who would saunter over to chat with me or 'check on' the baby. They always want to get super close to their face, ask invasive questions about if I’m a single mom or my mom experience, make super sexist comments about how I can carry the baby and all the gear, or how precious a 'mother and her child' are. Gives me the ICKS every single time. Carry on, creepy grandpa."
Similarly, "If I'm with my kids, please don't be weird and creepy and try to talk or flirt with me. My number one priority is keeping my kids safe, and asking me why you don't see a ring on my finger, or if you can get my number, or trying to be nice to my kids makes that harder."
—Anonymous
13."Having a guy lean closely over your shoulder while explaining something new at work on my computer. I offered him my chair, and he said he was fine where he was. I replied, 'I would rather you sit here than lean over me,' then pushed my chair back and stood up."
14."At two separate apartment buildings I lived in (LA and Chicago), the property maintenance guys leave the entry doors to the building propped open to make their day easier. They never think to close them at night, and that's such a privilege for them, that they don't have fear, but terrifying for us women. It was interesting to see the lack of understanding on their faces when I tried to discuss it."
—Anonymous
15."When someone I’ve hired to work in my house starts hitting on me. The number of times I’ve had men ask me what my situation is, if I’m married, if I have a boyfriend, or just generally give me the ick when I’m in a vulnerable spot (i.e., having a mechanic come over when the car won’t start) is not cool. The last one seriously asked if he could come in and watch a movie with me and only cuddle 'if I was comfortable with it.' What?!? I'm paying you — we aren’t on a date! The fact that this man knows where I live now really messes with me."
16."When men ask if I am alone or live alone. Men working at my home often ask this. It's totally creepy. I actually took the time to try to explain this to one guy who was the head of the team replacing the floors. I was ridiculously diplomatic, saying things like, 'I know you don't mean anything by it,' and cushioning it as advice when working with other women in the future. I just told him he should consider not asking about it because it can make women uncomfortable."
"He, of course, got majorly offended and went on about having a wife and daughters. Like, yeah? So, go ask them to explain it to you then. Why is it so hard for men to understand that they don't look any different from a serial killer or rapist? But when they ask questions like that, they definitely *sound* like one."
—Anonymous
17."Engaging with me in public and then getting upset if I don't give the reaction they want. I don't know if they think it's 'normal,' but it's happened so often in my life that I can't come to any other conclusion. When I was younger, I was sweet and unassuming and would smile and talk to everyone. That almost always led strangers to believe that I might be interested. When I would politely decline to give numbers out or meet up, etc., they would lash out angrily and say things like, 'You're not that cute anyway,' or, 'It's F'd up that you lead people on,' etc., etc. After getting that reaction so often, I eventually decided it must be my fault and that I needed to be clearer about my interests (or lack thereof) from the beginning of any conversation with a stranger."
"What I have found since becoming clear (by being very nice but acting uninterested in anything romantic — essentially not being my normal, super smiley, overly sweet self)...*drum roll* is that I get the exact same reaction. But instead of, 'It's F'd up to lead people on,' it's more aggressive, like 'Why do girls automatically assume we want them?' and 'Yeah, I'm not interested either, B***, just being nice,' or 'You think you're so hot everyone wants you, but we don't, 'You're not that cute anyway,' or 'I've got a gf anyway.' It's ALWAYS aggressive, angry, and defensive with condescending smiles, and oftentimes, it has been scary. Basically, you can't win."
—Anonymous
18."When they insist on a hug when I'm offering a handshake. When they act all offended when I tell them that I don't hug strangers. Oh, and when an absolute stranger, always a man, thinks it's OK to touch my hair."
Similarly, "I don't like being touched without consent; it might be just a casual pat on the arm/shoulder, but it makes my blood freeze. It's worse when I'm already having a bad time, like visibly upset; a few years back, I was having a panic attack in the hospital, and a male nurse grabbed me, hugged me, and started stroking my hair. I went rigid and screamed at him to get off me and only narrowly avoided punching him."
19."A very specific example, but it's happened to me more than once. I was on a date, and I was driving. When we arrived at his place to drop him off at the end of the date, he lingered way too long before getting out of the car, wanting to make out and/or trying to get me to come inside with him. No means no. GTFO."
20."Disrespecting women who are LGBTQ+. I've dealt with several male co-workers who have wanted me to 'prove' to them that I am gay. One went as far as wondering what hotel my friend and I were staying at so that he could attempt a threesome with us. Mind y'all, she is a twin to me. We looked towards the hotel while eating dinner and jointly said, 'Oh hell no!'"
21."Getting gas at night. Going to a parking garage by myself at night. Being told I'm a big baby because I want someone to walk me from point A to point B at night. So sorry to inconvenience you, but I would rather take any chances."
22."In an upscale town, I felt like strolling one spring night. There were people in cafés, just strolling along. It was not a town you would ever fear walking at night in. To get a good walk in, I walked around the block. From a dark porch across the street, a man's voice called out, 'You look pretty.' That statement sent pangs of fear through me."
"I quickly went back to the main street and kept looking back to see if a man was following me. My walk was ruined by it. I felt I had to get to a safe place. Extreme reaction? No, it's predicated on what women feel all the time. We are prey!"
23."Being held down and tickled. Just because my auto response is to laugh doesn't mean I like it. In fact, I hate it. When my son was born, my husband thought it funny to tickle him for an extended time, but I always made him stop."
24."Whenever I went into a pool or body of water with my now ex-husband, inevitably, he would start splashing my face with water, at first lightly, and then he would become increasingly more aggressive. He would do it with such pressure that it hurt, and when I was unable to see, and I started to move further away, he would go under the water and pull my legs, dragging me completely under and holding me just a bit too long under the water. Only letting go when I was kicking him and trying hard to push away."
"Eventually, it caused me to start feeling anxious whenever I even saw a pool, lake, or pond. Then, I couldn’t even have the shower water on my face; I would only use a handheld shower. Even though it is 30 years later, I still feel uncomfortable whenever someone is near me in water, and I constantly warn them not to splash me or touch me at all. I definitely cannot go into a pool or beach area with kids playing. He ruined the experience of being in water for me. He thought that was just fun."
25."When my daughter was about 8 or 9 years old, old men ALWAYS told me how pretty she was when we were out and about, but only with me, not my husband. She is beautiful, but it is inappropriate for a grown man who is a stranger to just walk up and point it out."
"You're not her proud grandpa or even a friend. You're just coming off as a creep who likes looking at little girls. Some of them even attempted to speak directly to her or pat her on the head, arm, or back. Step away from my daughter, sir."
—Anonymous
And lastly, not a creepy instance, but just an amazing mom:
"I have a teenage son. He has hit the beginning of his major growth spurt. Everyone comments on his height. I can tell he is going to be large and imposing just by existing. I've begun teaching him small things to make women feel safe, like making sure not to absentmindedly shadow a woman walking down the street or not to walk up behind a woman without announcing your presence with a simple hello or something."
"We're also having conversations about taking no for an answer or trying to learn signals that a girl is not interested in him. Sometimes, I think we expect men to automatically know how on edge we are all the time, but bodily safety isn't something they have to think about nonstop, so they have to be taught. It helps that my son has a younger sister to look out for because it makes him more aware of those things, but not all guys have that. We have to do better about teaching our sons and loved ones."
—Anonymous
Do you have any of your own examples to share? Let us know in the comments or at this anonymous form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE), which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
If you or someone you know has experienced anti-LGBTQ violence or harassment, you can contact the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs hotline at 1-212-714-1141.
