Yahoo Lifestyle Women Are Opening Up About Their Experiences Dating Someone Separated But Not Divorced From Their Previous Partner, And It's A Rollercoaster
Reddit user Outrageous_Fan_9126 recently posed this question to the r/AskWomen community: "What have been your experiences going out with someone who's separated but not divorced?" Many women shared their stories and offered thoughtful advice. Here's what they revealed:
1."It was a horrible experience. I started seeing a guy who was allegedly separated from his ex for two years. He claimed they had a very civilized relationship for the sake of their kids. When I came into the picture, he was trying to move things along at an uncomfortable rate with me. I discovered he told his kids and ex about me (we weren't even officially dating yet). Unfortunately, this made the ex extremely jealous because she started texting him and confessing her love for him. The worst part of it all was that they got the poor kids in on their BS. Suddenly, I became the bad guy in the way of these two being together, and he bailed. I realized that I was just a pawn in their toxic, on-again-off-again relationship, and he was likely aiming for that outcome the whole time."
2."I dated a really great guy who was separated but not divorced…but I didn't know that. And we met on Catholic Match! I pulled back a bit when I learned he was not divorced. Then he gave me the schedule for the divorce proceedings, and the closer we got to that date, the more anxious he got. I figured he wasn't ready to date yet. It made perfect sense. He was nice, but I'd rather not have the drama. We still email each other on our birthdays 13 years later."
3."Don't do it. I once dated a guy who pursued me SO intensely, and he swore up and down they were separated and in the process of divorcing. Turns out she had no idea I existed. They were separated under the pretense of getting back together. In the end, I thank god that he lied to both of us and that I didn't end up with him. He was an insufferable human being, and I most likely would've ended up breaking it off anyway. Don't do it. The risk is not worth the reward."
4."My now-husband was separated from his first wife when we started dating. They were still legally married for three years into our relationship. We actually bought a house together and had a baby while they were legally married. It was not an ideal situation. His ex-wife left him and did not want to be with him, but was fighting the divorce because she knew the spousal support would end when the divorce was final. It worked out for us. The judge finally told her he would grant the divorce, whether or not she had signed the divorce papers. We've been together for nearly 30 years, bought another house, had another kid, and got married."
5."I fell into this line off and on for 25 years. He was someone who I dated for a year in my early 20s. We split up but stayed friends. He had a fling, got her pregnant, and eventually married her. I told him it was a mistake. We stayed in touch throughout the years — through my marriages, cross-country moves, his military career, etc. I'm not going to lie: We would hook up. It was always the same. He'd say they were separated and getting divorced. Same old, same old. Now that we are both single, I thought hey, this is great. He finally divorced her a few years ago. (He cheated on her a bunch, from what I gather). Nope. He just wanted to keep in touch this entire time because we had fun. I was emotionally invested. He wasn't. That still stings. It took him 16 years to leave and get divorced."
6."I met my now-husband when he was separated. He and his former spouse wanted a divorce but were both poor grad students who didn't really know how to start the process because of financial and time restraints. He was upfront about it. We kept seeing each other, and I helped him do some research and connect with resources to figure out how to file. Their divorce was final three months later, and we had a small celebration. There was no animosity between them; we jokingly refer to her as his 'practice wife.'"
7."He was obsessed with his separated partner, still in love with her (I think), and openly jealous of the guy she was dating. Would not recommend it. He still had her name tattooed on his arm and didn't intend to get it covered."
8."My current husband and I were both in that position when we met. Neither of us had filed because there were kids involved. He was hoping to keep in contact with his stepdaughter. My ex was trying to get me back. I hadn't filed because I was hoping we could be peaceful, but I had no intentions of staying in my marriage. I had moved out and wasn't quiet about the fact that we both needed to move on. When my ex found someone new, he filed. His ex filed the week the guy she had been cheating on my now-husband with proposed to her."
9."Well, I found out I had the same first and middle name as his wife and broke it off because it was weird, and then they got back together."
10."It was not great. He was not emotionally available or mentally prepared to consider a relationship. It ended with me heartbroken and kicking myself because I knew better and should've never done it."
11."My husband and I were both separated when we started dating casually. My divorce was finalized first. Then, a year or so later, his was. He didn't meet my kids until all the divorces were final. There was no drama. His ex left the state and never came back. My ex was around because we were co-parenting. All was well."
12."I dated someone who was separated and going through a divorce. However, the period they were separated was much shorter than I believed. I think I constantly paid the price for his ex's acts. I don't think he was fully healed. It ended extremely painfully for me. I highly suggest waiting until the divorce is final."
13."You should prepare for some drama. My boyfriend was separated but not divorced when we met, and even though he thought they were on the same page with finances and stuff, they truly weren't. She threw tantrums that were unlike anything I had seen before and was absolutely shameless in trying to ruin him despite her being the one who cheated. If you can take some drama and are good at maintaining your boundaries, it can work out well, but it's definitely a challenge."
14."I'm married to him now! It was weird because they had been separated for years but still married for health insurance benefits. I met her first, learned about the situation, met him at a social event she brought me to, and then fell for him. Drama definitely ensued. She was way more possessive of him than she'd told me. He didn't want to take away her health insurance just because she got catty. He remained married until the year he was ready to propose to me. Looking back, I can see it as a man trying his best to be kind to someone who used to be important to him. But he's really apologetic about it because he let a past-important person complicate the life of the person he was currently committed to."
"Our relationship would not have survived its early stages without open communication, a lot of reassurance, and external confirmation of his good intentions, but that original stress was very much worth my life with him today."
15."It turned out that three of the four men I dated who were separated but not divorced weren't as separated as they led me to believe. The fourth was separated and going through divorce proceedings, but every conversation somehow led to a rant about his soon-to-be ex-wife and her swinging antics."
16."I was constantly being compared to her. Out loud. He was my first-ever boyfriend, and I was being compared to the woman who left him for his best friend. Over a year later, he dumped me when I was four months pregnant. That was over 20 years ago, and I haven't been in a relationship since. It messed me up pretty good."
17."It happened to me once when I was 23. I only found out about his marriage in the third month. He had a green card marriage, and in our state, you can't divorce until you are married for at least a year. He broke up with me because I said I didn't want to date someone who was married. Seamlessly, he dated a coworker from the office for about five or six years, during which he got divorced. They are married now."
18."It was a disaster. I was divorced, and he was separated. He was on a dating app. We went on two dates, and then he called me and was really sad about some Facebook Valentine's Day memories of his soon-to-be ex-wife. I tried to comfort him, but he was super emotional about their life together. I basically told him I didn't think he was ready to date yet and should get off the app. I gently suggested talking to his wife and a therapist."
19."He was far less 'separated' than he'd led me to believe. I got out of there ASAP once I found out."
20."Personally, I wouldn't do it. I dated someone separated who had no intentions of divorce but didn't plan on getting back together. There were awkward scenarios whenever someone asked questions related to marriage."
21."Don't do it. They just aren't ready for anything serious. He made me feel like I needed to prove my worthiness so he would even consider divorce. You shouldn't have to prove your worthiness to any guys."
22.And: "The experience sucked. It was worse, though, because they had a kid together. I did my best to stay civil with her. I got thrown into the drama but wasn't allowed to have a say in it. He wanted a divorce before he and I met, but she wouldn't budge (I forget why). Then, she started withholding his parental visits because he wasn't giving her enough child support, so in retaliation, he started withholding a divorce, knowing she had met a new guy. Meanwhile, I was sitting through all this, knowing that he and I could never move forward without facing many hurdles. Do not recommend."
Have you ever dated someone who was separated but not yet divorced? How was that experience? Do you have any advice for people in a similar situation? Tell us in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
