Yahoo Lifestyle What Is the Avoidant Discard and Why Does It Sound Like a Bacterial Infection?
Shitty dating behaviors are neither created nor destroyed, they just change shape. Which is to say that an age-old shady breakup maneuver you may know and hate as the classic slow fade has recently rebranded as “the avoidant discard” on TikTok.
As co-hosts Jordana Abraham and Jared Fried noted on a recent episode of the Betches U Up? podcast, the new name sounds a little…bacterial. WebMD-coded, if you will. The kind of thing a doctor would prescribe a prescription ointment for. But while it may sound like a skin infection, I’d argue this new terminology is actually quite fitting. Gross name for gross behavior!
For the uninitiated, the avoidant discard “describes a situation where someone distances themselves emotionally and physically from a relationship without directly ending it,” explains psychologist Morgan Anderson, PsyD, an attachment theory expert and author of Love Magnet. “It often looks like a gradual withdrawal—less communication, minimal effort, and a lack of presence in the relationship.” Think: texts dwindling in both volume and length, plans first getting bailed on and then never made, they stop calling by that cute nickname (and also just stop calling you), all with zero explanation. This differs from ghosting, which is typically an abrupt cessation of all contact. In fact, it’s kind of like a slow, painful, much worse ghosting. Fun!
Again, this is all essentially the same thing as the slow fade, except the avoidant discard attributes this behavior specifically to an avoidant attachment style. “Characterized by discomfort with emotional intimacy and a tendency to downplay or suppress emotional needs, avoidant individuals value independence and may fear being consumed or controlled in relationships, which leads them to create distance,” Dr. Morgan explains. Thus, someone pulling an avoidant discard is fading from the relationship due to a fear of emotional intimacy and difficulty with closeness, “while the slow fade might just be someone avoiding the awkwardness of saying, ‘Hey, I’m not feeling this anymore,’” says Devyn Simone, Tinder’s Resident Relationship Expert. You might even say the avoidant discard is a subgenre of the slow fade. All avoidant discards are slow fades but not all slow fades are avoidant discards—if you wanna get square/rectangle with it.
The avoidant discard is also more likely to happen when the relationship is going well or progressing in the right direction, adds Dr. Morgan. Unfortunately, the better the relationship, the more triggered the avoidant discarder. Which, as you might imagine, can be incredibly confusing for the discarded! Meanwhile, a slow fade—while still immature, rude, and ultimately a display of non-existent communication skills and conflict aversion—may happen for other, less-deep reasons. (Read: “he’s just not that into you.”)
Now, it’s worth noting that most avoidant discarders probably wouldn’t identify as such. Which is to suggest that most people using this term are probably applying it to others—specifically, others who have recently fucked them over in an emotionally negligent and unnecessarily prolonged fashion—and making some serious assumptions about their attachment styles, childhood trauma, etc. in the process. And while I know we all love to play TikTok psychiatrist in the wake of heartbreak (weirdly enough, according to my extensive post-breakup research, every single one of my exes is, in fact, a clinical sociopath!) Dr. Morgan notes that just because someone appears to be avoidantly discarding you, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have an avoidant attachment style. This shady not-breakup-breakup technique may suggest underlying attachment issues, but it could also just be a case of good-old-fashioned carelessness and conflict aversion. Some people just suck for no reason at all!
“While someone with an avoidant attachment style might be more likely to pull an avoidant discard, other factors—like a fear of conflict, lack of relationship experience, or just plain not knowing how to break up—can also play a role,” says Simone.
The good news is, it doesn’t really matter why your ex avoidantly discarded you, because their attachment style is no longer your problem! Leave that one to their therapist, who at least stands to profit from that shit.
Still, I get it. To paraphrase Joan Didion, we diagnose our exes with attachment issues in order to live. In the meantime, if you’ve recently come down with a case of avoidant discard, I hope it clears up soon.
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