Aussie slams fellow mums after traumatic cafe incident: 'Never felt so unsupported'

An Aussie mum has shared how “alone and isolated” she felt at a local play café full of other mums, when completely "exhausted and overwhelmed" while supervising her two young daughters she broke down in tears. In a powerful online video, she said she was shocked when not one person asked if she was ok, starting a discussion about what the right thing to do would be.

Kirsty Virgo, who has two daughters Harper, three, and Marlie, 18 months, said her girls were climbing all over her and being “clingy” at a time when she “just needed some space” to sit down and unwind.

“It was one of those days when it all felt a bit too much, I’d not got much sleep and I was struggling,” Kirsty told Yahoo Lifestyle. “It was really obvious I was upset."

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Sharing her experience, which will resonate for many parents, on social media, the Adelaide woman asked other Aussies whether they would help a struggling mum who was alone and “visibly upset” – and the answers surprised her.

While many said they would always ask an upset woman if she was ok, others said they would have been “too anxious” to approach a stranger, and some worried about a socially awkward or uncomfortable situation in case their offer of help wasn’t well received.

“There was like, maybe 15 other mums around and not a single person asked me if I was ok and not a single person acknowledged my existence when I was obviously, silently crying, but you could see tears coming down my eyes,” Kirsty said.

'Really lonely and isolated'

Kirsty admitted she didn’t know what she’d do if the situation was reversed, but thought she’d offer a crying woman a coffee or banana bread or simply say: “I hope your day gets better.”

“Just like, anything,” she said. “It just really sucked that not a single person acknowledged I was struggling when they were all mums as well. I’ve never felt so unsupported by mums ever.”

“It’s a small place and everyone can see each other. It would have been really easy for someone to tell their child to play with my older girl and see if I was ok.

“I felt really lonely and isolated, really on my own. It was an experience I’ve never felt before.”

Acknowledging that “some people are feeling that way all the time”, Kirsty added: “Mums should help other mums. I don’t think it takes much to show compassion for someone who is struggling.”

Expert explains why people don't intervene

President of the Australian Psychologist Society, Dr Catriona Davis-McCabe told Yahoo Lifestyle: “Social interactions like this can be quite complex. There’s likely to be a lot of internal conflict playing out for people".

“In a situation where help or support seems clearly needed, what suits one person might not suit another. It’s a highly personal experience," Davis-McCabe said.

“There is also the Bystander Effect where people are less likely to help or intervene when other people are around. It’s effectively a diffusion of responsibility.

"There are multiple people present but they feel less personally responsible to act as they think someone else will or offer to ask if she’s ok.”

Davis-McCabe said some may feel they were overstepping the mark, invading the woman’s privacy or being patronising by getting involved while others felt that witnessing someone else’s emotional distress to be “personally taxing”.

Problem with modern-day parenting

She said modern-day parenting was less of a “village” as people were busy, often with both parents working, and may not have extended family or be able to rely on neighbours or friends.

She said Kirsty’s comments about feeling lonely and isolated were important as both these emotions were exacerbated during the pandemic and lockdown, and many people were still recovering from that.

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“Low levels of social interaction can lead to a poor quality of life,” Davis-McCabe said. “It’s a critical public health issue which we need to deal with.”

Jaimie Bloch, Clinical Director of MindMovers Psychology, said while she didn't believe we have lost our “tribe mentality and empathy” as a society, these situations present “tricky emotional scenarios".

"Often it just takes one person to intervene and go against the grain to get everyone supporting and stepping in," she said.

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