Yahoo Lifestyle 8 Habits To Start With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
Scroll through parenting-focused accounts on social media these days, and you'll see tons of neat, aesthetically pleasing ideas for starting routines with an infant or small child. Or, as some call them, loose "flows" to bring consistency, opportunities to bond and (hopefully) get more sleep. As a clinical psychologist and certified perinatal mental health specialist, Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, sees them too. Less talked about, however, is how to establish habits and routines with children long after they leave the nest.
"We don't talk enough about relationships with adult children," says Dr. Guarnotta, a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health. "Adult children also need attention and support, but in different ways than they did when they were younger."
Dr. Guarnotta says creating new habits with adult children can transform relationships by deepening connections—regardless of how far away they live. She and others shared eight habits that can improve relationships with kids who are all grown up.
Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say
8 Habits To Start With Adult Children To Improve Your Connection
1. Consistent check-ins
You may feel like it was only yesterday that your kiddo told you everything (to the point you sometimes lovingly wished they came with a mute button). However, you may now feel like days without talking turn into weeks or months. Regular, intentional check-ins can nip that.
"Checking in with adult children as a family unit can be helpful in nurturing the shared values and clarify any misunderstandings," explains Dr. Daniel Huy, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with the Debra Simon Center of Integrative Behavioral Health and Wellness at Hackensack Meridian Health.
Dr. Huy suggests agreeing on a time, duration, frequency and neutral meeting place.
"Having a visual reminder, such as a calendar or smartphone alert, can improve consistency and [provide] gentle reassurance and reminders to each other may increase accountability," he says.
2. Try their hobby of choice
Trying something that brings your adult child joy with them is a way to enter their new world.
"It's common for adult children and parents to feel distant from one another when adult children have their own lives," Dr. Guarnotta says. "To counteract this, parents can offer to try a new activity or hobby of their child's choice with them. This shows interest in your child and a desire to understand them better."
3. Start a new family tradition
Birthdays, holidays and vacations may change as your adult child moves, partners up or has their own kids. However, you can still have annual anchor points, like sending one another postcards whenever you go on vacation or calling them at the exact time they were born on their birthdays (if they're cool with that and not sleeping).
"Creating a new family tradition is nice because it means more memories with you as an adult," Dr. Guarnotta explains.
4. Offer to mentor them
Mother and father don't always know best—we'll get to that—but you may have wisdom and skills your adult child can tap into. For instance, you may have experience publishing a book, and they have expressed interest in doing so. Perhaps your financial background can help them set up a savings account for their new baby.
"This gives your child an opportunity to see and get to know another side of you, which can deepen your relationship," Dr. Guarnotta says.
Also? The mentorship idea is a two-way street.
"You could even ask them to mentor you in an area of expertise as well," she suggests.
Related: 10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
5. Stop trying to fix their problems
There's a difference between mentorship (teaching a person to fish) and solving their problems (giving a person a fish). Plus, your child may not want the fish or to learn how to fish from you, so respect any declines in offers to mentor them.
"Get in the habit of acknowledging their autonomy rather than trying to fix their problems," says Dr. Amanda Etienne, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. "This might look like asking what they need from an interaction instead of assuming they need advice. This is important as adult children become independent."
6. Set clear boundaries and expectations
We often hear about the need to expect the adult child's boundaries in parent and adult-child relationships. However, the parent can—and deserves to—set and maintain their own.
"Communicating boundaries can increase the awareness of actions and potential consequences, and it sets a precedent of expectations without the guesswork," Dr. Huy says. "It is important to remember that boundaries are not established to manage other people, but to maintain self-preservation and stability."
7. Practice an adult-to-adult communication style
Dr. Huy concedes that it's challenging to tweak communication styles as a child grows and changes.
"Part of the function in communicating with a young child means addressing needs that they cannot access or achieve themselves," he explains. "Trust that an adult child is able to be an independent thinker and that differences can be respected both ways."
Dr. Huy suggests viewing conversations as an exchange of ideas instead of a list of demands.
8. Continue to maintain your lifestyle separately from your role as a parent
An autonomous life can improve the quality of time you spend with your adult child.
"Being a parent of an adult child could mean that the caregiving is less hands-on, allowing for more time to nurture personal values, goals, hobbies and other relationships," Dr. Huy says. "Adjusting the focus onto other role aspects can increase a sense of integrity and fulfillment necessary for optimal wellbeing."
Related: The 2 Most Obvious Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-Adult-Child Relationship
The No. 1 Habit To Avoid With an Adult Child
"Avoid habits of comparing your adult child to others, as this can infringe on both confidence and feeling of independence," Dr. Etienne says.
Real talk: The FOMO on social media is real, especially around family life. You may see photos of your friends (seemingly) taking blissful multi-generational vacations or celebrating every holiday together and feel you're doing it wrong. In all likelihood, you are not. However, Dr. Huy agrees that forcing your friends' version of a good relationship on your child is harmful.
"As each individual has their own unique qualities, strengths and weaknesses, and paths, expecting an adult child to strictly follow an outside trajectory can result in unrealistic goals, guilt and resentment," Dr. Huy explains.
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Expert Sources:
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health
Dr. Daniel Huy, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with the Debra Simon Center of Integrative Behavioral Health and Wellness at Hackensack Meridian Health
Dr. Amanda Etienne, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist
