Yahoo Lifestyle Women Are Revealing Why They Chose To Be The "Side Chick" With A Taken Man, And I Wasn't Expecting This Kind Of Honesty
When people cheat, we tend to only hear one side of the story. So when Reddit user u/FinalEntertainment60 asked: "Women of Reddit who chose to be a 'side chick' to a taken man, why did you do it? How did it end?" over seven thousand women provided their stories. Here's what some of them had to say below:
1."To clarify, I am not trying to justify what I did and fully acknowledge it was wrong. I’m just trying to explain what factors led to the situation. I had just started a new job and, after a few months, ended up completely falling for my married boss. I knew it was wrong, and I tried to keep my distance, but we had a bunch of business trips together, which resulted in a lot of one-on-one time. Mentally, I was in a really dark place. I had a string of dates that didn’t go anywhere where I felt rejected and used. I gained 40lbs, and my self-esteem plummeted. Meanwhile, I had this super attractive, successful guy at work lifting me up, telling me I was smart and beautiful and that any guy who isn’t into me is an idiot. Anytime I was with him, I would finally feel alive again, and I felt like we just had magnetic chemistry. He also admitted to feeling the same way towards me."
"We tried not to do anything, but after a year of tension, we finally ended up hooking up. I knew he was married, and I knew it was wrong. I never met his wife, but I thought she must be a much better person than I was.
My colleagues had met her, and I knew she was beautiful, fit, and seemed really kind. I was at such a low point in my life that I would take the scraps just to be with him. It was a tumultuous relationship, and I tried to end it many times, but because we literally worked together in a tiny office, and I still had intense feelings for him, it would start back up.
I tried dating other people to take my mind off things, but I couldn’t because I was so in love with him. I felt trapped and would frequently cry in the office bathroom, knowing I needed to get out somehow. I ended up breaking it off with him, resigning, and taking a $70K pay cut just to get myself out of the situation ASAP.
Then COVID hit, and the new company scaled back their operations, and because I was a new employee, I was laid off. I then spent the next year in a super-deep depression but eventually managed to get myself out of it.
So I honestly didn’t set out to have a relationship with a married man, I just kind of fell into it over time and made a series of poor decisions. The wife ended up finding out after I had already resigned, and I know she is the main victim here, and I feel terrible that I hurt someone innocent.
I have since landed back on my feet, gotten a new job, and am feeling far more confident in myself. Obviously, I stay far away from married men, and if the situation had happened now instead of at such a low point in my life, I would like to think I would make better decisions."
2."I didn't know [I was the side chick] for two years. When I confronted him about making plans on Facebook to move in with another woman and accused him of having another woman, he told me that, technically, I was the other woman, but she was willing to let me move in with them. We broke up, and he moved in with her a few months later. A year after we broke up, he called me complaining that she wasn't financially responsible and wasn't able to run a house like me. He asked me to move to Florida with him. I laughed at him and said he should have thought about that before telling me I was the other woman."
3."I was 19, he was 39 and my manager. Now that I have grown up and I see things from an outside perspective, I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation, and I feel very bad for her because she never knew. I believe they got married in the end. Sorry, there's not much to say. I just need it to take it out of my chest."
4."He told me he left her. He didn't. So I chose to out him to her every chance I got. For example, he'd send me letters apologizing or begging us to stay together, so I'd mail them to her workplace so she could see what a loser she was. Welp... he died at age 35; she got a $950,000 insurance payout, and I was left salty and bitter. Lol."
5."Honestly? Desire. The thought of being desired so much that he was willing to sacrifice his living situation and long-term relationship was disorienting. It felt like a drug I couldn't get enough of. The heart-pounding adrenalin of watching him debate in real time if he was going to cheat and then feeling him look at me and decide he didn't want to but HAD to. It was a drug. And I think that's the best metaphor because drugs are dangerous. And they ruin people's lives."
6."I chose to be a side chick when I was in the closet. I felt like no one else would love me, so this would have to be good enough. I didn't understand that I deserved more. It became abusive. It took me longer than it should to exit the relationship for good, but I finally did. I would never do it again. Being in a secret relationship puts you in a perfect position to be abused. No one to witness it. No one to share your concerns."
7."I thought I was being a safe haven for someone who really had a bad situation. I didn't try to save him as much as just let him be him because his wife allegedly stifled family fun. I offered an alternative instead. I didn't give him advice or anything; I just stuck by his side. It was such a dumb outlook."
—u/[deleted]
8."We'd been on-and-off friends with benefits for basically a decade ever since we were kids, whenever we both happened to not be in relationships at the same time. So we were VERY used to meeting up, having a really great time together, and then going back to whatever our lives were already. At some point, our usual thing happened when I was single and lonely, but he had an LTR girlfriend. I guess on my end, nothing was really out of the ordinary, and it was just something I was used to doing with that person when I didn't have someone. I was going through the motions, I guess. I was not really thinking at all about the girlfriend I hadn't met. I felt bad later when my brain caught up, so it ended because I turned our unspoken rule (which we broke) into a spoken rule and told him we wouldn't be doing that anymore."
9."I did it because I had no self-respect or self-esteem and was desperate for validation, and he was the only one giving it to me. I stopped because I started taking medication for my depression and generally grew as a person and gained some self-love. I truly did not even think about his girlfriend. My thought process was, 'If he does not care about her, why should I?'"
—u/[deleted]
10."I've done it with two different guys. I had horribly low self-esteem and somehow thought I was 'better' than my girlfriends. I was trying to be the 'cool girl' so much. It's funny because I didn't want to be in a relationship with these guys as they were cheaters, but I liked the attention. The sex wasn't even that good! In the end, I got sick of being someone's naughty little secret and having to lie and pretend all the time. Years later, I went to therapy and wouldn't dream of doing it now if I was single. I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years."
11."He wasn’t technically married but engaged. I worked with both him and his fiancé. I was single and had a very selfish mindset. I became fast friends with him and caught feelings, but I was NEVER planning on acting on them in any way. A different coworker and I were talking one day, and he said that he had feelings for me, too, and thought I was attractive. He and his fiancé were heavily on the rocks because he had just found out that she had cheated years ago, at the beginning of their relationship. He figured he’d even score and sleep with someone else. I was his go-to person. I knew it was wrong, but I was entranced by the thrill of the secrecy, and the fact that we all worked together was just so hot."
"We agreed it would be a one-time fling, and I was fine with that. He then later told me he wanted to do it again, so it happened a couple more times. We would hang out at bars together and talk, and I started to fall for him, but I knew he would never leave her, so I ended it. They were set to be married a year later, so I gave him a chance to tell her, but he wouldn’t, so I did. They ended up getting married anyway. I am NOT proud of this; it’s my biggest regret."
12."I always thought we were just work friends. I knew he was married, and he always mentioned his wife with a smile, so I never thought about him in that way (and for a long time, I wasn't attracted to him at all). However, we started spending lots of time together due to work, and somehow, we found in each other what we were missing in our SOs through long and interesting conversations. We ended up confessing our feelings to each other but said that nothing could happen as we were both taken. However, I guess hormones took over, and we started getting physical."
"I remember feeling extremely guilty after every kiss but also excited, like I am finally alive. I ended it after I went to his apartment and saw pictures of his wife. That's when I finally realized that she was a real person, not just someone from his stories, and I was just disgusted by myself.
He still tried to contact me, and we met one time after that, but then one interesting thing happened — I found out my SO was cheating. The pain and heartbreak I experienced when I found out (and I am still heartbroken) is something that can not be described. I would have never imagined the pain to be so strong.
I immediately cut all ties with the married man, told him to never contact me again, and to focus on his marriage and his wife. It still haunts me that if she found out, she would be crushed just like I was crushed. I would never want to give that pain to anyone, and the thought that I may have caused that intense life-changing pain to his wife is just disturbing. I still have nightmares of what I have done. I probably will regret that all my life."
13."I chose it because I wanted him. His marriage was already dead in the water. He cheated on his wife with me (he kissed me), and the following day, I told him we shouldn’t pursue this and that I would take the secret to my grave if that was what he wanted. He split up from his wife, moved out, and asked me on a date two weeks later. We’ve been married for ten years and have two children."
14."I did it twice with a married man. The first time I was in college, and he was in my Shakespeare class. He was always around, and we had to do a play together. We ended up becoming great friends, and he confided in me about how lonely his marriage was. Then he started complimenting me. Then we kissed, and then we fucked in my ranger. I got sick and tired of him telling me how much he liked me but not leaving his wife. The guilt ate me up. Our semester ended, and I made a concerted effort to put space between us."
"The second time, I was married, and he was married. We had a relationship for almost a year, on and off. I really wanted to leave my marriage, and he said he did, too. When I finally ended things with my husband, I wasn’t willing to waste my time with a married man. He would call me, and I would ask him what he thought he was doing. He was always trying to step over boundaries at work (we worked together).
In the end, I broke down and told him not to talk to me anymore. He would still call every few months. When you say never again this time, girl, make sure it’s never again. I wasted so much of my heart on men who were draining me and their own wives, not to mention the rest of their families."
15.And finally, "He pays my bills, we have fun, and there’s no expectation of a real relationship. I love it."
If you were ever the "side chick," tell us what happened in the comments below.
