Yahoo Lifestyle Women Are Revealing The Subtle (And Not-So-Subtle) First Date "Red Flags" That Other Women Should Know
We recently asked women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the first date "icks," aka red flags, that other women shouldn't overlook — and the results were eye-opening. Here's what they had to say:
1."Trauma dumping. I went on a date with a guy who turned every question I asked into a trauma dump. I left the date knowing more than I needed or wanted to know for a first date."
2."All of his exes are 'b*tches.' No, they're not. He just places all of the blame for the failures in a relationship on the woman and doesn't listen until she's yelling. You'll be next."
—Anonymous, 33, New York
3."Mansplaining. I went on a date with a guy who, when I told him I wanted to be a criminal prosecutor, lectured me about prosecution and defense law. Incorrectly."
4."If you touch me without permission I will be counting down the seconds until the date is over. I went on a date with a guy who grabbed my upper arm, shoulder, and waist without asking. I don't know you; don't touch me, and especially don't touch me if I haven't told you that you can."
5."Being rude to service industry staff in any capacity is a done deal for me. I treat everyone I encounter, from my bartender to the cashier at the grocery store, with respect. People who don't are entitled, and I want nothing to do with them."
6."Talking about himself incessantly, regaling with stories of his many friends and accomplishments while asking zero questions about you. Steering the conversation back to him and topics he likes when you do try to speak about yourself."
"If they do that on the first date, it will always be that way, so don't even bother. They'll always think they're more important than you."
7."Not looking anything like their profile pics. A real catfish. I met a guy who had obviously used a picture of his younger self online, which was not what I expected. On top of that, he would ask every five minutes what I thought of his outfit and how he looked. I'm not sure if it was a lack of confidence or just wanting/needing that reassurance, but no. Big turn off."
"I couldn't be with someone who lied about the basics from the start and who was also, from my point of view, insecure. Big no, no, no!!! And I've met a few frogs!!!
—Anonymous, 47, Wales
8."I left a date once because my first impression of him upon seeing him in person was that he was sloppy. He was wearing corduroy pants that were too long, so they were all tattered on the bottoms and flip-flops, and he had a giant grease stain on the front of his oversized shirt. I'm not a fashionista by any means, but he didn't even try to look decent."
"Then, during dinner, he planned our entire life together, traveling the US to follow the Dodgers on their season tours. I'm a big baseball fan, but this was extreme."
9."Backhanded compliments: He starts by saying something positive such as: 'You've got such lovely hair." But adds something really snide and cruel: '… It's just too bad that people can still see your face.' And then attempts to deflect and obfuscate how truly offensive the comment was with 'It was just a joke! You're being too sensitive and emotional!'"
"My advice: Run and block him."
—Anonymous, 48, Idaho
10."If your date orders your food for you and doesn't ask what you want. Hello controlling! He doesn't know you — you aren't a child. Ordering for someone is a red flag!"
—Anonymous, 43, California
11."Anyone who leads with anything sexual is a no for me. In addition anyone who is rude to anyone is a no for me."
—Anonymous, Virginia
12."If, during the date, I can see him checking out other women, that tells me he will only want me until someone 'better' comes along. Interrupting me to tell me about HIM. Questioning the validity of something I said, and then Googling it right in front of me (I was right, of course), and then simply giving a shrug."
"Bad table manners (date actually starting digging around his molars with a fork!) Showing up looking like a doesn't give a shit (dirty clothes, unshowered, etc.)."
—Anonymous, Canada, 55
13."I went to one where he suggested grabbing a drink for our first in-person meeting after matching through an app and a few messages. Went well, and then, he described his tiered system of using this first meeting for weeding out prospective dates: The 'no' girls get an invite back to his place for a one-night stand (if they agreed) or ghosting (if they said no), and the 'yes' girls get taken out for 'a real date' (dinner, etc.) He said I was a 'yes' because I wasn't '10 years older and 20 pounds fatter' than my profile pic, and his friends/coworkers thought *I* was catfishing *him*."
"I did not accept the dinner invite, so he must've had to make a new contingency category. Guys, please take a break from dating if you find yourself behaving like this."
—Anonymous, 30, USA
14."He takes me to a place with a bar and just drinks the entire time. I don't mind having one or two drinks, depending on the place, but if all he does is just order drinks and get wasted, I don't want that."
—Anonymous, 21, Indiana
15."When the guy doesn't put in effort to plan dates. Hanging out at his place constantly shows a lack of desire to plan a potential future together."
—Anonymous, 42, Colorado
16."Trust your gut. Don't try to force yourself to like someone because of the potential. Pay attention to how many questions they ask you/about you vs. how much he blabs on about himself. Does he come and pick you up? Does he come and greet you at the door or just text you 'here.'"
"Does he follow up? How does he treat service staff (servers, baristas, etc.) How much effort did he actually put into planning the date? Women, you deserve better. Don't settle for less."
And finally...
17."If he's pushy to pick you up at your house for a date or come over to your house for any reason before getting to know you. It's a red flag because by being in your house, he's broken a boundary of personal space, and for whatever reason, he thinks this is an invitation for something more. This recently happened to me."
"This man was ADAMANT about 'watching a movie' after dinner. Against my better judgment, I agreed. Upon walking into the house, he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and thought that would be the end of that. Then, the movie started, and he scooted closer to me on the couch and rubbed my back. It was absolutely cringe, and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I kicked him out and never spoke to him again. I felt tricked and violated. He even has two daughters. I hope they never are in a situation like the one their gross dad put me in. Never again will I let someone know where I live until I'm extremely comfortable with him. Never."
—Anonymous, 46, Nebraska
Women, what are some other first date "red flags" other women should know? Tell us in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
