‘I’ve Been an Etiquette Expert for Over 20 Years—Here’s the #1 ‘Eye Contact Rule’ To Follow in a Conversation’

There are some benchmarks that take a conversation from so-so to great. For example, practicing active listening, asking intelligent questions and engaging fully in the moment can make a conversation even better.

But what about eye contact? According to 2013 data collected by the company Quantified AI, the ideal amount of eye contact time should be 60% to 70% of a conversation, but the average person only makes eye contact about 30% to 60% of the time.

As it turns out, eye contact is actually a pretty powerful tool to implement during a conversation, whether you’re looking to spark a new friendship, having a deep heart-to-heart with your significant other, participating in a job interview or just making small talk at a coffee shop. If you know you could be better with eye contact, read on for tips from a veteran etiquette expert.

Related: 7 Phrases That Instantly Make You Sound Classy, According to Etiquette Experts

Why Is Eye Contact Important?

According to etiquette expert Rosalinda Randall, making and maintaining eye contact is the most fundamental way to show respect to someone. She goes on to say that eye contact lets the person know that you have acknowledged them, and acknowledgement is a key factor in establishing a connection.

She adds, “A connection can help reduce self-protectiveness, allowing for a more positive start.”

Related: 'I've Been an Etiquette Expert for Almost 20 Years—Here's the #1 Phrase to End a Conversation Without Making It Awkward'

How Does It Help During a Conversation?

“When our focus becomes disengaged from a conversation, whether it’s because we’re bored with the topic, we don’t care what this person has to say or we can’t get a word in, maintaining eye contact will help,” Randall shares. “Eye contact will help you focus or at least give that impression. This can be especially beneficial when it’s a conversation that you can’t walk away from, like a client or your boss.”

Eye contact can also assist with certain social cues and questions you can ask yourself in the moment. Randall lists these questions, saying:

• Are they starting to look away?

• Are they looking at their watch?

• Are they nodding a lot?

• Are they stepping back or facing the nearest exit?

• Are their eyes beginning to glaze over?

“These are signs that the conversation is going nowhere,” she emphasizes.

If you notice these social cues while making eye contact, Randall says to not take any of them personally. “Instead, evaluate your communication skills—perhaps there is something to improve on,” she says. “Or they had something on their mind, and it wasn’t you.”

When you focus on someone and make eye contact, Randall says that the message they receive is that of respect, connection and consideration.

“All desirable traits in society,” she continues. “In most cases, they will bestow the same courtesies to you.”

Related: 'I've Been Studying Communication for 20 Years—Here Are My 7 Favorite Phrases to Keep a Conversation Going'

The #1 'Eye Contact Rule' To Follow in a Conversation, According to an Etiquette Expert

So, what is Randall’s top rule when it comes to eye contact during a conversation? Simply make regular eye contact. Check in with yourself—are you looking down or away, or making eye contact for that sweet spot of 60% to 70% of the conversation?

“Without regular eye contact throughout a conversation, it can be perceived as dismissive, condescending, shifty and downright rude,” Randall says.

Related: 6 Things Successful People *Always* Do in a Conversation, According to a Neuropsychotherapist

Tips for Making Eye Contact

Now, with that said—not everyone can make eye contact. Those with conditions such as autism, PTSD and other mental health disorders find it uncomfortable and nearly impossible to make regular eye contact. In those cases, know that you are trying your best and don’t fault yourself for not making eye contact.

But if you do think you can improve your eye contact skills and want to feel less anxious, Randall shares the following tips:

• Look into a mirror. Look directly into your eyes beginning with only five seconds. Do this a few times, each time adding five seconds. If you notice the smudge on the mirror or the robe hanging on the bathroom door behind you, that is a sign that you disengaged eye contact. Try again, or move the robe.

• Smile at yourself. Enjoy the expression. Once you’ve dominated that smile, introduce yourself. “Hello, I’m (first and last name).” At first, you may mumble it or look away. Keep at it.

• If the mirror or practicing alone isn’t your thing, practice all of the above with a trusted friend or family member.

Randall goes on to say that eye contact does not equal staring or deeply glaring into someone’s eyes. In other words? Making 100% eye contact isn’t ideal. As Randall says, glancing away momentarily is fine, especially when it helps us gather our thoughts or take a pause before continuing.

“Making eye contact can be a very powerful skill,” Randall says, adding that eye contact is a “subtle cue” that’s helpful not only in business success, but in our romantic lives as well. “You wouldn’t want to miss out on a flirtatious glance,” she emphasizes.

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Related: 250 Good Conversation Starters for Any Social Situation

Sources

• Rosalinda Randall, etiquette expert

• Quantified AI: “Eye Contact – A Declining Communications Tool?”