The secret to spicing up your relationship without having sex

If you're in a relationship rut this technique could be for you.

Call it the 18-month itch but about a year and a half into a relationship the oxytocin levels that ran wild during the first phase of lust are beginning to dry up.

“This flow of oxytocin and love chemicals that make you pretty much want to procreate actually starts to stabilise and this is where a lot of couples will start to question the relationship and perhaps even exit,” Soelae Riley, a Bryon Bay-based meditation teacher told Yahoo Lifestyle.

Her answer to keeping the fire lit well beyond Valentine’s Day is tantric meditation – a technique that will allow you to reignite the biochemicals in your body to deepen your love, intimacy, respect and sexual passion for each other.

“You’re probably gonna wanna jump each other after this,” Soelae said.

Soelae Riley sits cross-legged on a beach.
Soelae Riley says meditation can reduce stress and enhance connection. Source: Instagram/@soelae_

What is tantric meditation?

While Soelae says meditation can help reduce stress and regulate emotions to enhance harmony and connection in a relationship, she explains that tantra is about becoming present in the moment with your lover, honouring and respecting one another and the exchanging of energies.

Combining both can increase pleasure and emotional intimacy and be as close to a spiritual experience as you can get, all without taking your pants off. Because according to Soelae, this exercise is classified as ‘white tantra’, which means there’s no sex involved.

A couple cuddle while laying in bed.
Tantric meditation can help spark up the flame in the bedroom. Source: Getty

Instead, there are a series of steps to get your passion burning.

“Once you’ve settled your nervous system and harmonised your breath in pre-stages, by the time you open your eyes, bursts of intimacy rush through your body,” she said.

“There's an actual biochemical change that happens and this builds feelings of contentment, calmness and you feel closer, so this is why doing a practice like this regularly, not just for Valentine's Day, can really help nurture and keep that flame alive.”

Three steps to enhance intimacy

The first step on the journey to tantric meditation is all about setting the scene.

“Make sure you'e not going to be disturbed, put aside a certain amount of time, make sure you both are comfortable if you want to have special lighting, and make it a little bit more of a sacred space,” Soelae recommended.

Then she encourages you and your partner to come into a simple few minutes of meditation while sitting across from each other with your eyes closed and knees touching for connection.

“After a few moments of long slow breaths, start to tune in to each other's breathing,” she explained. “In through the nose and out through the mouth, just tuning in.”

A couple holds hands while meditating.
Tantric meditation helps couples connect, according to meditation teacher Soelae Riley. Source: Getty

The second step involves visualisation.

“So this is connecting to the feelings of love, appreciation, gratitude and desire that you have for the person opposite you and you start to send that energy with your out breath,” Soelae explained.

“On the in breath, you are receiving their love, desire, passion and gratitude into you. So it's just this energetic exchange with your breath.”

Things really heat up at the third step when you both open your eyes for “soft, gentle eye gazing.”

“This can feel awkward for some people and it may bring up laughter or even tears,” she said.

“This is not sadness. This is just it because it's a very intimate and raw experience to be there with your lover.”

After two to five minutes of gentle eye gazing, Soelae recommends completing the practice by giving each other a hug and saying thank you.

“And then the rest is up to you.”

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