Real Housewives Of Melbourne recap Ep 5

We begin this episode at the kitchen of Chez Venus, where everyone’s favourite photo creep is counselling her little sister Rebecca who has just split with her fiance and is about to tell their father the sad news as soon as he arrives.

Of course, they’ve invited Gina along to this very intimate family discussion, because Gina has gone through two break ups - which makes her a super qualified consultant!

Venus is concerned that Papa Behbahani might somehow think this has something to do with her, because everything revolves around her? Whatever. Daddy’s sad but supportive of his daughter’s decision, Gina being in the room still seems completely superfluous. Life continues!

Across town somewhere, Sally is meeting up with Jackie and Janet and gives them a run down on her truffle hunting adventure and tells them about her conversation with Venus.

Sally explains that Venus told her it was just a collection of 45 photos, and 35 of them were of Venus herself and the remainder just some harmless selfies the women had taken at some point. Jackie and Janet, having actually seen the photos in question, short circuit over yet another fib from Venus.

Hearing the truth about the photos, Sally is unimpressed.

Changing the topic, Janet asks straight out if Sally told Gina, Lydia and Venus that they’d been referred to as “the dark side” and I hold my breath in anticipation, wondering if a) Sally will lie and say she didn’t, and b) what Janet and Jackie’s reaction will be! GOOD NEWS EVERYONE.

Sally said “Yeah I sure bloody did” (not verbatim), Janet throws her head back in delight and laughs, and everybody is having a nice time. Are we watching the right show?

Sally does mention that Lydia was pretty angry about being “the dark side” and went on a bit of a rant about Janet and Jackie having a falling out, and BFFs Roachie & the Jackal crack it.

Sally tells the girls she’s invited everyone to the launch of her accessories range (or whatever the hell it is) and Janet takes the opportunity to ask if she’ll have room to fit Lydia in such a small space.

It’s amazing how someone can be on the right side of an argument but completely destroy any desire you have to support them because they start acting appallingly.

Finally, Jackie tells Sally she’s been getting signs from Sally’s late husband and she’d like to offer Sally the chance to have a psychic session to communicate with the man she loved who passed away 8 months ago.

[side note: 8 months!!!!! Is it okay for her to be ON this show? SALLY BE GENTLE AND KIND TO YOURSELF]
Now.

What can be said about the scene where Ben and Jackie start working on her upcoming ‘Shine It Up’ tour concert psychic inspo gig.

I might let this picture of their guest adviser Sally’s face speak a thousand words.

Please note: I will 100% be buying tickets to the Shine It Up tour and I expect Jackie Gillies and her angels and her booty dancing and her hugs to completely change my life for the better.

Hey, guess what Gina’s up to? She’s launching a SPRAY TAN range, because of course - apparently she has a spray tan every second day! She’s invited Lydia to try it out, but also Janet as Gina thinks it’d be a “great opportunity” for the two ladies to have a chat.

It’s really just another opportunity for Janet to make a nasty fat-shaming joke about Lydia needing a full body fake tan as a bit of colour might “slim her arms” a bit. JANET STOP THIS.

Gina brings up the topic of Jackie, and Lydia explains that her constant talk of Janet and Jackie having had a falling out has nothing to do with her being maleovolent and everything to do with her only wanting them to get on well and be happy BFFs forever, amen.

Janet assures them that everything is fine and she’s “really like this shit to end”. Good luck with THAT.

We haven’t seen Gamble all episode! Thankfully she arrives on our screens, and in Jason Singh of Taxiride fame’s house, in order to write a song for her beloved Rick.

Turns out apparently Gamble used to have a singing career back in the day (??) and had a publishing deal as a singer-songwriter at 18 years old, but the issue with her hearing loss threw a spanner in the works and she had to abandon her dream.

She retells the story in tears and it’s hard not to feel for her. Apparently the ever supportive and loving Rick has been urging her to get back to singing, so she’s here to perform for Jason the tribute she’s penned for him and she’s hoping he’ll help her record it.

How’d she go? Jason’s verdict? It doesn’t suck, but it’s not romantic. “You wanna be looking at the great things, how you found each other, why you’re together….”

Sally arrives at Jackie’s place for the psychic reading and whoa, it’s a pretty incredible thing to watch to be honest. I’m normally a little skeptical about these things but the speed in which Jackie pops out information which she literally could not know herself is astounding.

There’s a weird joy that emanates from Jackie when she’s passing on messages from the other side and it’s impossible to watch the experience and find it anything other than healing and comforting for the person sitting in the chair, frantically scribbling notes and instructions from their departed loved ones.

It’s time for Sally’s homewares launch! Roachie and Jackie arrive and give Bloomsie (loving Jackie’s footy team-esque nicknames) a big celebratory hug. The other girls arrive and things plod along, until…

Venus starts chatting to Jackie, Janet and Sally and asks Sally straight out if she’s spoken to the other women about the photos on her phone. It’s clear she’s come up with what she thinks is an airtight story i.e. most of the photos were of her, she took a couple of extra ones that were selfies of the other women, and as soon as the mystery man who originally had the photos told her she shouldn’t have taken them from his collection, she deleted them.

Clearly she has no idea Janet’s seen the actual photos Venus obtained, and has already showed the other women.

Eventually they all decide that this photo drama is pointless and time consuming (I COULDN’T AGREE MORE) and they’re going to put it behind them. Conversation then meanders naturally, as it should, to the gloriousness of Jackie’s boobies.

Gina, Lydia and then finally Gamble arrive and after a quick greeting, Venus announces loudly to Gina and Sally (as though Gamble isn’t two feet away from her) that Gamble recently sent a still from the film The Birds of a dead Tippi Hedren to a mutual friend of theirs, with the message “Hahaha, this is going to be Venus”.

Janet, standing between Gamble and Venus and hearing everything, begins cackling with absolute mischievous delight.

Finally, Jackie pulls Lydia aside for a private conversation to try and clear the air about everything that’s gone down between them over the last year or two.

Jackie is focused on the time Lydia made her and Ben ignore Lydia’s husband’s phone calls as Lydia partied the night away, and Lydia seems to struggle to understand the position that put them in so immediately changes the subject to Janet allegedly bitching about Jackie.

JACKIE: I thought this was about you and I… being able to move on… so why are we bringing up Janet now?
Lydia adopts a very sanctimonious tone and continues insisting that Janet has been bad-mouthing Jackie, going as far as to swear on her son’s grave.

Lydia starts throwing gossip bombs in Chyka’s direction too, and it all ends with a devastated Jackie acknowledging that Lydia isn’t interested in sorting things out between them, she’s interested purely in hurting Jackie (and that makes TOTAL SENSE given the history and tension between them).

Jackie eventually storms out of the party, Janet is distraught and furious that Lydia would go out of her way to damage her and Jackie’s friendship, and Lydia no doubt chalks this one up as a win.

Next week: Jackie’s having a birthday party - and hasn’t invited Lydia! Venus and Gamble have a confrontation! Gamble fakes an orgasm while moaning Lord James’s name while her Wolfpup and Janet giggle in delight! Blimey, that’s a lot to look forward to.

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