Fire Up Your Friendships

The Roman writer Cicero got it right long ago: “Robbing life of friendship is like robbing the world of the sun.” Our friendships warm us, and we glow in their light. We feel our best, most authentic selves in the presence of our closest friends, and in that circle of trust, life seems easier. Spending time with your mates improves your health, too. Several studies reveal that having friends increases life expectancy. A sense of connectedness may effect longevity as much as maintaining a healthy weight, exercising regularly and not smoking!

Still, the demands of modern life appear to be damaging our relationships. Researchers from Duke University in the United States found that, alarmingly, one in four people say they have no one with whom to discuss important matters.

It’s normal to lose contact with friends as we mature and our circumstances change, says Dr Monica Moore, a Sydney-based GP and psychotherapist. “It’s not a given that the friends you had when you were younger will stay with you all your life,” she says. “You need to be constantly adding new friends and reconnecting with old friends to keep your support networks strong.”

Periods of change are chances to revitalise and reevaluate friendships, and also to develop new ones, according to Rob Moodie, professor from The Nossal Institute for Global Health at The University of Melbourne. And women in their 40s and 50s are constantly meeting the challenges of change—whether it’s raising children, switching careers or finally grasping the self-belief to follow a lifelong passion. Such times are perfect windows of opportunity—open them and give your friendships a blast of fresh air!

As we get older, we value different facets of the people around us, and after age 40, we begin to reconsider what we want from our friendships. Unsurprisingly, it’s often not what we looked for in our younger years. “You need to think about what you’re after and what you’re prepared to offer,” says Moodie.

Reconnect with Lost Friends

Moore emphasises the pleasure, and power, of meeting face-to-face. “Start by having coffee with a friend from the past, and find out whether you still like that person.” If the answer is no, don’t be disheartened—keep enjoying the quick catch-ups until you find a few friends who connect with the person you are now.

Nurture Established Friendships

Long-held friends are precious, and as we age, we’re more able to strengthen and deepen those relationships. This is largely due to our greater self-knowledge and tolerance—let’s call it wisdom! “Around age 50, most people become less curious and more introverted, but they also become more agreeable and conscientious,” says Paul T Costa Jr, PhD, of the National Institute on Aging in the US. That conscientiousness can manifest itself in great friendships—if you let it. Life can get so hectic that keeping up with friends slides off our radar. When this happens, establish regular forms of contact, advises Moodie. Email’s fine, but phoning and meeting should be part of the mix. “Lock in the time and make it valuable. Make sure you really turn up, that you are there emotionally.” Moore cites the established female friendships in Meryl Streep’s recent film, It’s Complicated, as great relationships. “The characters aren’t afraid to share their opinions with each other, and if someone’s insulted by something, they don’t go off in a huff or act manipulatively. There’s an understanding and a trust there, a resilience.”

“One more thing,” adds Moore. “Don’t forget kindness. Friendships thrive on kindness.”

Start Afresh with New Faces

If the demands of life have frayed your social network, you can always make some new friends. This might be a scary thought. “Do we ever lose that fear of meeting new people?” asks Moodie. You’re vulnerable when you do, and it takes some guts. But the pay-off is big: you’ll find new opportunities to have fun and like-minded people to share your life with.

It’s obvious, but worth remembering, that if you’re doing something that interests you, you’ll meet people who are interested in the same thing. We’re talking book groups, choirs, evening classes, sports clubs, volunteer organisations or the dog park, for example.

Joining a class or club is a good way in, says Moodie, who includes ‘making and keeping friends’ as one of the cornerstones of a fulfilling life in his book Recipes for a Great Life ($34.95; Hardie Grant). Moodie’s final tip? “Take a friend or relative if you like; it doesn’t matter if they drop out later. And if you choose to do a course, start with everyone else from day one—don’t join midway. At the beginning is when you have the best chance of forming those laugh-together, lasting friendships we’re all looking for.