Comedian Mandy Nolan... On a Good Glass of Wine

How does a girl who loves a drop manage to stick to the recommended two glasses a day? Given the right conditions, I’m sure I could have become an impressive alcoholic. All the genetic markers are in place: I’m part Irish, and that side of my family thought that sober was a facial expression.

I’m usually a controlled drinker, but every so often, I get roaring drunk, dance on tabletops, sing tuneless karaoke, insult my in-laws, frighten my children with threats of public nudity and then pass out on the couch.

Before the advent of YouTube, this behaviour could be relegated to the safety of an occasional embarrassing episode. Now, your friends can post comments online, and the next thing you know, your semi-naked rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings has gone viral.

It’s at this point that I usually go on one of my ‘health kicks’ until I’m convinced I can manage ‘sensible’ drinking. (These aren’t actually health kicks, though; they’re buffer zones, so I can make sure that my drinking never becomes such a problem that I’d have to give up the sauce forever. That would be sad.)

I love the way a sip or two of wine brings a delightful fuzziness to the end of a stressful day. It’s like orally imbibed pixilation. Man, even I look good after a bottle of shiraz. Amid the tantrums of toddlers and the tirades of teenagers (“Omigod, I’ve broken my hair iron!”), it’s just so nice to look forward to a visit from Mr Merlot. In the early afternoon, I think to myself, Is 3 o’clock too early? Yes, yes it is. Haven’t picked up the kids yet. It’s never a good look to front up at the school pick-up zone reeking of booze, except on Melbourne Cup day, when it’s permissible to stagger onto the school bus and hitch a lift.

I contemplate drinking at 4:00. At 5:00, I think, It’s getting close. And then at 6:00, when I chop the first onion, I pour a long, loving glass of red. It’s delicious. I promise myself I’ll stop at two. I know the rules: two standard drinks. But whose standard is this? I’m all for raising your standards. At 40+, how do you suddenly become a ‘sensible’ drinker’? Answer: you watch the YouTube clip of yourself and put the bottle down.

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Mandy Nolan is a comedian, writer, artist and author of What I Would Do If I Were You ($29.99; Finch Publishing).