Yahoo Lifestyle Untangling Sexual Desire
Sexual Desire Explained
There Is Always a ‘Low-Desire’ Partner and a ‘High-Desire’ Partner
Let me offer you a singular truth about sexual desire that transcends time, culture and personal circumstance: there is always a low-desire partner, just as there is always a high-desire partner—and there’s one of each in every relationship. This is a profound … shift in viewpoint that creates a totally different picture of yourself and your partner.
This new picture can completely change how you feel, whether you’re the low-desire partner (LDP) or the high-desire partner (HDP). It allows you to stop being defensive or feeling inadequate or ‘different’. It’s a nonpathological view of how problems with sexual desire occur: the LDP and HDP are simply positions in a relationship.
To be precise, the two positions in a relationship are the lower desire partner and the higher desire partner. But in practice, it’s easier to talk about the LDP and the HDP once we’re clear about what these terms mean.
There’s an LDP and a HDP on virtually every issue and decision in your relationship. One partner (the HDP) wants to do something that the other (the LDP) doesn’t—or wants to do it less. Even if you and your partner both want the same thing, one of you will want it more. At every point of contention, ‘high desire’ and ‘low desire’ are positions, or stances, that partners take, relative to each other. And once there’s conflict—which isn’t necessarily about sex—it’s clear which partner fills which position.
No one is the LDP—or HDP—on everything; positions shift on different issues. You may be the HDP for sex, but your partner could be the HDP for intimacy. You may be the HDP for sex or intimacy and the LDP for having a baby or being monogamous. Whether it’s having sex, moving in together, disciplining your kids (or not having kids) or visiting friends or in-laws, you’re going to be either the HDP or the LDP.
It’s all relative
Being the low-sexual-desire partner doesn’t mean you have no (or almost no) sexual desire. Let’s say, on average, you like to have sex once a week. So, if your partner wanted sex twice a week, that would make you the LDP. If he or she didn’t want sex at all, you’d be the HDP. The same level of desire that makes you the HDP in one relationship can make you the LDP in another. You could want sex every day and still be the LDP if you’re with someone who wants it twice daily. And you’d be the HDP if you wanted sex bimonthly and your spouse didn’t want it at all. What makes your sexual desire ‘high’ or ‘low’ isn’t just biological drive, or your past or how much you like sex—it always involves a comparison. Usually, this is determined by your partner!
There’s no ‘correct’ frequency of sexual encounters. The realisation that ‘low desire’ and ‘high desire’ are always relative positions can stop arguments over how much desire is ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’. This should clarify what frequency of sexual interaction I think you should have: if you and your partner are happy with whatever you’re doing, I’m happy, too.
Now that I’ve made the point, my HDP/LDP distinction may seem like an obvious and logical way of distinguishing who’s who in a relationship, but this concept didn’t exist before I developed my theory. To do this, I had to get beyond conventional ways of understanding sexual desire. Therapists traditionally looked for the causes of sexual-desire problems ‘within’ people. Nothing like the low-desire/high-desire theory appeared in anything I was taught as a therapist. This new way of thinking changed how I treated sexual-desire problems, and my clients’ outcomes improved dramatically.
You have to change your viewpoint, too. For instance, you have to stop thinking of low sexual desire as a personality issue. It’s not uncommon for the partner who is the HDP at the outset of the relationship to later become the LDP (and vice versa). Understanding that ‘high desire’ and ‘low desire’ are not character traits makes you less defensive about your level of sexual desire, whatever it is. LDPs in particular stop feeling inadequate and ‘defective’. This approach gives you and your partner equal standing for dealing with each other.
Extract from Dr David Schnarch’s book Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship ($35; Scribe)
More
