When toddlers hit and bite

Toddlers fighting. Image:Getty Creative

We’ve all been there: two children, one toy, zero desire to share. Cue the argument! Sometimes these situations end amicably, but often there can be hitting, pulling and even biting involved.

In fact, the stats say that one in five children will bite and around half will hit at some time in their toddlerhood. So what’s a parent to do?

Why is my toddler so aggressive?

When encountering aggressive behaviour, you might consider an aggressive disciplinarian approach to match, but research shows this will only teach your toddler to be more aggressive and reactive. Instead, it’s better to first try to understand why your child might be aggressive and from there take the best course of action.

In my professional experience, there are very few malicious toddlers out there. Sometimes aggression is just part of normal development to test boundaries. For example, experimental biters may just be seeing what teeth do!

Some children have seen others being aggressive and are mimicking the behaviour, while others find being aggressive the only way to deal with physically dominating older kids.

For toddlers with poorer language or social skills, physical aggression may be the only way they know how to communicate. A toddler who hits and snatches for a toy simply might not know how else to ask for his turn. It can also be plain and simple frustration that causes a toddler to lash out, if he doesn’t know any better way to deal with impatience.

How to react to aggression in children

Aggression is often about power, so try to avoid reacting emotionally. Rather, it’s better to be confident and calm but firm in telling your child that being physically aggressive is not acceptable and will always mean removal to a thinking spot. You can say, “Hitting means time out, hitting is always time out.” Don’t yell or smack and try to avoid long explanations or sensitive reasoning – just remove him to the time-out spot or thinking chair.

The battle doesn’t end here, though. You need to teach your toddler better behaviourbetter behaviour, such as how to ask for what he wants or how to let you know he is angry without hitting. Be very clear, saying, “You can say, ‘Mummy I’m angry,’ but you can’t hit because hitting always means time out.” You can reinforce this by getting your child to practise saying, “I’m angry, I don’t want to wait.” Balance this with praise and reward when your child waits or is able to control his temper.

Good lessons

If your toddler is aggressive towards other kids, you can’t feign ignorance or hope the issue will magically disappear. Instead, deal with the situation head-on. Avoid being angry at your toddler, rather be firm and decisive. Explain that snatching and hitting is not acceptable, return the taken toy to the other child and be direct in removing yours from play. Once removed, practise ‘using his words’ until he learns how to go out and ask for a turn or to say what he wants. Be positive, telling him that he can manage it and work towards finding better behaviour. While you won’t solve everyone’s distress straight away, the main aim is to develop better skills for tomorrow.

If you find your child is biting a bigger sibling, it may be that he needs a bit of protection from the older, dominating child who may be provoking attacks. In this situation, everyone needs discipline. You can say something such as, “You all are hurting, no one is nice, so all of you are out of the TV room.” As always, prevention is better than cure, so role-play how the younger child can deal with older siblings better, such as calmly reporting to you or verbally asserting himself with his sibling, but not squealing and biting.

My child is being attacked

If your child is attacked, avoid rushing to discipline or punish the other child. Try to affirm general rules, such as saying, “In our house there is no hitting.” Explain what is expected: “Hurting is not okay, we all have to stop and do quiet thinking time now and no one can play.” Don’t be too distressed, as your toddler will probably learn resilience from bouncing back in these situations.

After everyone is calm, try to restart the play process. You may return the toy in question to your child, but assert that the other toddler can have his turn if he asks and waits. Later on, praise your child for being well-behaved and give regard and recognition for not acting badly. Keep it simple, though, as toddlers don’t understand complex terms like patience or respecting others. Hopefully, everyone can learn to cope with challenges in a positive way.

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