Building resilience in your toddler

Since presenting a number of parenting seminars at preschools, I’ve noticed a worrying trend developing among parents. In almost every preschool where I’ve talked, the director and teachers have expressed great concerns regarding parents ‘over-advocating’ for their children. Teachers report being confronted at the front door by well-intentioned parents demanding their toddler be afforded only the very best of everything. And I often hear questions like, “But Ian, how can I ensure I’m gaining the very best for my toddler at kindy?” Sadly, such over-advocating can actually undermine toddler resilience.

Doing too much for your toddler

Over-advocating for toddlers can be couched in seemingly innocent statements. For example, a preschool director recently told me that a mum politely insisted that, “Finn just couldn’t possibly miss out on being in the first group.” Similarly, at one of my favourite kindy centres teachers have been telling me that mums and dads have begun maintaining that their children “can only play with the ‘best’ behaved boys and girls.” How resilient would this make a toddler in the wider world?

I completely understand parents wanting the best for their toddlers. Many parents have waited a long time for a child and are more mature and well-skilled in advocating for what they need. Also, parenting trends often lead to over-competitiveness. Parents see other parents speaking out for their children and feel their toddler will miss out if they don’t do likewise. But, in wanting the very best for their children, these parents are actually setting them up for potential failure. Evidence now shows that these over-protected kids are far less resilient and less capable in dealing with life’s inevitable challenges.

Toddlers need to learn early how to bounce back from life’s little knock-backs and to see that the world isn’t perfect. Resilience develops from making mistakes and surviving challenges to discover that the world is still great and fun, even after a disappointment.

Best intentions for your child

Ensuring your toddler only plays with the ‘best’ kids can seem a positive strategy in protecting her from mean girls or naughty boys. However, a big part of the transition to school is the reality that she will need to mix with a great blend of other kids from lots of different preschools and childcare centres. Unless your toddler has learnt to deal with vocal or aggressive children and has developed skills in bouncing back after a social disappointment, then she may potentially be a victim.

How kids cope with greater adversity later in life is also underpinned by the building blocks of resilience learnt as a toddler. Overly-supported toddlers expect the world to always meet their needs, so they tend to make small events into catastrophes. They also may miss out on learning valuable
life lessons, such as how to work towards helpful solutions when challenges occur, rather than being caught up in feeling angry or upset. Further, toddlers who have overly-strong advocates learn to always look to be rescued. While this may be possible in early childhood, as the years progress you won’t always be there to help out.

Resilience is really built by giving your toddler a chance to fix problems and overcome challenges herself.

It’s better to teach her how to answer the ‘mean girls’, rather than doing it for her. The most resilient kids have had support sharing problems and finding solutions, and have learnt
to bounce back.

Letting children 'have a go'

Now, resilience is about more than just bouncing back. It’s also about ‘having a go’ and being prepared to risk failure or defeat. As a parent, you might reassure your toddler that she can give something a try, but if she isn’t successful then that is absolutely fine. Your child might need reassurance that disappointment isn’t so bad and that she can get over missing out this time.

Resilience also develops from trying to be independent, such as attempting to cut up dinner or being encouraged to try new activities, even though they might not work out well.

It’s important not to forget to be a role model to your child. You can show her that you yourself bounce back by admitting when you make a mistake and showing that you can laugh at it and move on. You can also show that it is good to express feelings, but not to throw tantrums or become overly upset. Demonstrate how to make it better next time, or show how to find a solution for the problem that led to disappointment.

Resilience is also underpinned by genuine positive regard, but not false praise. The willingness to have a go and being able to recover from failure comes from feeling confident and having succeeded at other challenges. By letting your toddler try and giving genuine regard and recognition for effort, even when she’s not successful, she will develop the self-confidence to take on battles. It’s one of the best ways to prepare your child for life.

Ian’s top tips

❋ Avoid over-advocating for your child
❋ Try not to over-protect her
❋ Encourage attempts and independence
❋ Role-model bouncing back from disappointment
❋ Share solutions for challenges, don’t ‘rescue’