Parenting with your ex: how to make it work

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Parenting with an ex-partner can be hard. Parenting with an ex-partner when your parenting styles differ can be even harder. But if the two of you can focus on what your child needs and commit to meeting this, the way forward becomes clearer.

Work through your feelings

In order to focus on your child’s needs, it’s first important for you to address your own. Separation, even if you’ve initiated it, often involves a process similar to grieving. Feelings of anger, anxiety, depression or frustration are common and to be expected, but they can get in the way of even the best co-parenting intentions. This means that self-care is vital.

Be aware that the stronger the feelings that exist, the higher the potential for conflict. Unresolved tension, too, can affect children of all ages: babies can be fussier, while toddlers may become clingy, cranky or will go quiet while they’re absorbing it. Children can ‘act out’ and develop behavioural problems, or internalise the feelings of anxiety that conflict and tension create. Talking with a trusted friend or counsellor can help you to move through your ‘negative’ feelings and keep them out of co-parenting discussions, so it’s important that you seek this kind of outlet.

Related: How to handle resentment towards your partner

Provide love and stability

After separation, babies and young children need to keep a secure emotional connection with each of their caregivers. They also need a sense of stability in their environment, to feel they are loved and important, and extra time, affection and attention – particularly during times of transition between two homes. Keep in mind that family traditions and occasions of celebration can be particularly sensitive for everyone and you may need to work harder to make them more relaxed and enjoyable for your child.

The younger your child, the more you’ll need to work together with your ex-partner to create stability across the two different households. Similar routines can go a long way in creating a sense of security, so aim for harmony here. It’s also important to be consistent with discipline, as for toddlers problems will often arise in this regard.

When parents try to discipline (which literally means ‘train’) the same child in two different ways, it can be confusing for the littlie and create negative behaviour, which invites additional discipline, and extra frustration for parents. The more different expectations are, the more a child will be stretched.

Related: How to have a friendly fight

To minimise this, discuss with your co-parent which behaviours you agree to address and how, and which behaviours, if any, your child will need to learn are okay in one home, but not the other. Differences aren’t necessarily a bad thing for older children – they create adaptability – as long as expectations are clear, otherwise anxiety can arise.

As your little one grows, a myriad of issues will need to be regularly addressed, so open and respectful communication between you and your co-parent is especially important to allow everybody to cope with the new family structure.

Help is out there

If you’re having difficulty trying to work out a plan between you, Family Relationship Centres around the country provide a free service to draft parenting plans that focus on children’s needs and which typically cover the following topics: a schedule for where children live, how often and how much time they spend with each parent, guidelines for making decisions on education, finances, health needs, holidays and household rules, to name just a few things. Your nearest centre can be found through the Family Relationships website.

More relationship advice from PP:

Getting along with your mother-in-law
Feeling like a mum to your partner?
Focusing on your relationship after baby

Elly Taylor is a relationship counsellor and writer. She created a support website for parents and is the author of Becoming Us: Loving, Learning and Growing Together – the Essential Relationship Guide for Parents.