How to handle resentment towards your partner

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He doesn’t help with the baby, when he comes home all he wants to do is put his feet up, he still plays golf every weekend, he doesn’t give me any time off, he doesn’t understand how I feel… It’s very common for new mums to have a laundry list of reasons to feel resentful towards their partner, and often with good cause.

But when a new mum tries to address these things with her partner, he sometimes doesn’t hear her feelings of disappointment, abandonment or loneliness. All he hears is her anger and perhaps criticism of him. It’s important to address these early resentments because they can too easily build up and affect your relationship.

Forewarned is forearmed

Resentment typically creeps in when someone has repeatedly broken our trust, acted unfairly or disappointed us. But it’s often unfairly directed towards new dads. In the case of resentment in early parenthood, it’s usually the result of two main things: both parents being unprepared for many aspects of their new roles and lives, and unclear communication.

As much as possible, fathers need to be actively included in antenatal visits so they feel more connected to the pregnancy and bub. Ideally, antenatal classes cover the aspects of parenting that commonly cause the most resentment, such as the need for a support network, deciding who is going to do what at home, family-friendly stress relief and how to make sure both parents get a break. This gives the two of you the opportunity to discuss these things beforehand and reduce the potential for resentment afterwards.

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Talking it out

Communicating resentment is difficult. It’s important to talk about your feelings, but take care to identify first what they actually are and make sure this is what you communicate to your partner. Loneliness and a desire to have more support come across much more positively than irritation, derisiveness or frustration do, with the latter just likely to fuel conflict and see you both end up in a worse place than before.

Addressing the issue now is important, as resentment can fester and be tricky to let go of. When your relationship is going well, feelings of resentment are likely to go underground, but if they still haven’t healed, there is potential for them to resurface again when things aren’t going so smoothly. This is only normal in a long-term relationship. The best way to clear resentments up is to broach the subject again carefully and get a result you both want, one that helps you to understand each other better and experience the reconnection that comes from that. That’s the way to heal from past hurts and move forward positively.

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Tips for managing resentment

1. Expect that there will be new stresses in your relationship to negotiate. This is normal for new parents.
2. Examine your expectations. Are they fair or reasonable? Or have they become unspoken assumptions?
3. Phrase expectations positively. “I’d like…” or “I’d really appreciate…” are good ways to begin.
4. Clear up confusions and misunderstandings as they arise, and be open and honest with each other.
5. Remember to talk about the good stuff as well!