Yahoo Lifestyle Would you discipline someone else's child?
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When my middle child was in preschool, her best friend was a little… possessive. “No! You’re not allowed to play with her!” the BF would declare whenever my daughter tried to engage with someone else. And my child, who was quite the pushover, would meekly concur.
I could see that my daughter was becoming alienated from her other friends, and I was feeling guilty and conflicted about what to do. I was sorely tempted to go to the school and tell the BF to stop manipulating my child – but aside from the fact that the little girl was four years old and wouldn’t have known what ‘manipulation’ was, in my heart I knew that it wasn’t my place to intervene. I don’t believe that any of us have the right to discipline another parent’s child. Unless the kid is in our care, and/or explicit permission has been given, we have to leave the parenting to the mum and dad.
What’s more, in many cases I think it’s important for kids to sort out their issues themselves. Believe me, a debate about who gets which Polly Pocket can be resolved surprisingly quickly if Mummy leaves you alone!
Diversionary tactics
Now obviously, there are times you have to jump in. For me, if a child is over for a playdate and there’s a serious squabble or tears, I’ll divert things by making suggestions for games they can play, offer an icebreaker like a snack, or take the kids out to the park. And if I ever see a fight getting physical between two children, I’ll always step in to separate them. You can’t leave four-year-olds alone to have fisticuffs. One of those tiny hands can do a lot of damage.
But if a dispute arises at preschool or crèche then I think it’s not my place to intervene. I believe it’s one thing to talk to a child in my own home and quite another to do so when they’re not in my care. There’s always the option of talking to the other parent, but there’s huge potential for this to backfire. It’s our natural instinct to defend our offspring and a polite discussion can get messy very quickly. One minute we’re being careful not to assign blame, the next minute we’re lobbing subtle shots at the other like a politician before election day.
Doing the two-step
My first strategy, then, is always to talk to my kids and try to arm them with tactics to deal with the situation themselves. In the case of the possessive best friend, however, the girl in question was a very tough little cookie and my daughter just wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her. So my second step here was to enlist the help of a neutral authority figure, so I approached the girls’ preschool teacher, explained the situation and asked for her assistance. She talked to the two girls together, intervened when things got fraught, and pointed them in the right direction. The girls managed to stay friends, I managed to keep out of the situation and eventually the kids worked through their issues.
If only it was so easy with the politicians. Perhaps the teacher could sort them out too?
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