Sex issues after baby

We all know that parenthood brings massive changes. But many of us don’t realise that our sex life is not exempt. Sure, we expect to put sex on the back burner until we adjust to the new arrangement, but most of us assume things will return to normal pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, says Melbourne-based psychiatrist Dr Martien Snellen, for many couples it just doesn’t work out that way. Dr Snellen specialises in mother-baby psychiatry and while he concedes that no-one ever died from lack of sex, its absence can make a relationship feel a little lacklustre.

“When it comes to sex after childbirth, if you’re both not interested, there’s no problem,” Dr Snellen says. “Same if you’re both into it. But different levels of desire can start problems and open up an abyss into which a couple can fall.”

Not in the mood

In his book Rekindling: Your Relationship After Childbirth (Text Publishing, rrp $34.95) Dr Snellen examines a range of issues that can have an impact on a couple’s sexual relationship after the birth of a child. “The most common problem for women is loss of libido,” Dr Snellen says.

But while many new mothers put the absence of sexual desire down to the sheer amount of work and exhaustion that comes with looking after a small, totally dependant person, there are biological factors to add to the mix.

“Breastfeeding mums have high levels of prolactin, as well as low levels of oestrogen and progesterone, and that hormonal state actually decreases libido,” Dr Snellen explains.

“Nature doesn’t want us to have another child until it gets the signal that the child we’ve got is viable. Nature has got it right. It drops our ability to reproduce when we are breastfeeding by suppressing ovulation and, as a back-up, it drops the libido as well.”

Body issues

In addition to the biological reasons, there can also be a change in the way we feel about ourselves.
The body we had before children can be quite different to the body we have after, and many of us find that this affects our overall confidence.

“Most women need to see themselves as being sexually desirable before they are willing to put themselves out there,” Dr Snellen says. “They compare themselves to the idea of sexy and when they think they no longer fit that image they lose confidence.

“What a lot of women don’t understand is that most men don’t put their partners in competition with those images, the women do.”

Then there are our breasts. Most mums attempt breastfeeding at some point and may struggle with the fact that a part of their body, that was previously considered erotic, is now a food supply for their baby.

“To psychologically be able to have the same part of the body serve two functions, one sexual and the other as food production, can really be something for a lot of women to reconcile,” Dr Snellen says.

Fear factor

There can also be lots of trepidation around kicking off our sex lives again. If there has been an episiotomy, or a caesarean scar or a tear, we can feel quite damaged and sensitive.

“Women often worry about episiotomies or tears, or that have they been stitched up too tight or too loose,” Dr Snellen says. “The reality is that the body actually heals a lot faster than the psychological image of the healing and the majority of the time everything is fine. And it is really quite uncommon to be too loose or too tight.”
Breastfeeding mums may experience some discomfort because of vaginal dryness due to low oestrogen.

“Often mums don’t know that sex may be uncomfortable while they are breastfeeding and that there are remedies,” Dr Snellen says. “But if sex is too uncomfortable, or there is pain, your GP needs to know about it.”

Pillow talk

Okay, so now we know the things that can cause our libidos to wane, how do we reconnect with our partner and start enjoying a great sex life again? Talk to each other, advises Dr Snellen.

“What frequently happens is that couples notice a change, but nobody says anything about it, nobody admits to the change and nobody explains how they feel,” he says.

“I have found that, in this sort of scenario, so little is often said and then the resentment grows. It comes from the idea that you don’t have the respect of your partner. Then it snowballs.”

“In the absence of couples actually having respect for each other, you can forget about everything else. From respect comes vital, but very basic, things such as the ability to communicate, the sense that they can resolve conflict, a sense of commitment, that they are in this together, and a sense of trust and honesty. It is only once all this is in place that you can start worrying about the sex life.”

“Not tonight dear, the roof is leaking”

According to Dr Snellen, in order to have a happy, healthy sex life you need to forget about sex and get your house in order first. Literally.

“If you want to get your sex life going again, you need to look after everything else first,” he says. “You need to look after the basics: does the roof leak, are the chores done, are we looking after each other?

“You need to take the pressure off, whether you are doing it or not. It’s about reactivating the entire sex life and taking care of all the emotional issues first. Only then can you move onto the physical relationship.”

On average, most couples take about a year to have a sexual relationship that approximates what it used to be prior to conception. And a healthy sex life isn’t about how many times you do it in a day, or week, or month, it’s about what works for you and your partner.

“Most couples feel like everyone else has a better sex life,” Dr Snellen says. “But new parents need to realise that they are just like any other new parent. For the majority of couples, things do get back on track. It just needs a lot of honestly and patience to get there.”


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