Yahoo Lifestyle People Who Were 'Overly Neglected' in Childhood Often Display These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
You've likely heard about "neglect," but is "over neglect" a term invented by social media? While over-neglect is not a clinical or legal term, it is an experience you may have lived out in childhood—to your detriment.
"[Neglect] is a general term that indicates a level of failure to provide something essential," explains Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP of Veritas Psychology Partners. "'Over-neglect' is a term that begins to address duration and severity."
For instance, Dr. MacBride says a neglected plant might wilt without enough water.
"Over-neglect indicates that the plant hasn’t been watered in quite some time," Dr. MacBride says. "It’s likely more than wilted, and it is probably even beginning to wither."
Here's another example, if you don't have much of a green thumb to begin with.
"Picture a child coming home from school bursting with excitement about a gold star from their teacher, only to be met with silence or indifference," says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "Over time, that silence teaches them that their feelings or achievements do not matter, which can shape how they see themselves and others for the rest of their lives."
Psychologists say over-neglect can manifest in adulthood in these 10 telltale traits.
Related: People Who Had Difficult Childhoods Often Develop These 8 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10 Common Traits of People Who Were 'Overly Neglected' as Kids, According to Psychologists
1. Chronically relying on 'numb out' mechanisms
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says that people who were overly neglected as children learn to do anything to blunt the emotional pain of their experiences. For example, binge-watching TV might be an almost daily occurrence, and they may scroll social media for hours on end (perhaps while watching the tube).
"It’s a way to avoid the pain of unmet emotional needs," Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains.
Related: People Who Were 'Emotionally Neglected' in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Emotional numbness or overreaction
One of the issues with numbing behaviors is that they often work but don't benefit you.
"These individuals may suppress their emotions, appearing distant or cold or react intensely to situations that don't warrant such strong feelings," says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind.
Dr. Hafeez says both extremes can result from difficulty in managing and understanding emotions.
"Emotional neglect teaches children to suppress or ignore their feelings to avoid further emotional pain," she explains. "Alternatively, this can lead to heightened emotional responses due to suppressed emotions building up."
3. Hyper-independence
Dr. Hafeez says people who experienced over-neglect in childhood were taught early on and often that they couldn't rely on others. The effects can carry into adulthood.
"They may insist on handling everything themselves, even when it's not healthy to do so," Dr. Hafeez says. "They often resist asking for help, viewing it as a sign of weakness or a lack of self-sufficiency."
Yet, it can lead to burnout and worsen intense emotional outbursts.
Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by an Emotionally Immature Father, According to a Psychologist
4. Trouble setting healthy boundaries
Boundaries are a sign of self-love, but people who were overly neglected in childhood sadly never got that message.
"Neglect often teaches children that their needs or desires are unimportant, so they don't know how to set boundaries," Dr. Hafeez says. "This trait can lead to feelings of being taken advantage of."
5. People-pleasing tendencies
Part of the reason many people who were overly neglected as kids have trouble with boundaries is that they often display people-pleasing tendencies.
"They might work overtime to earn approval, constantly seeking validation because they never felt seen as kids," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "This could look like always saying yes to extra tasks at work, even if they’re completely burned out."
6. Low self-esteem
It's hard to have the confidence to set boundaries and show others your beautiful true colors when your self-worth is virtually non-existent.
"If no one reflected back their worth as a child, they might grow up doubting it exists," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "This can manifest as self-critical thoughts, like feeling they’re not good enough for a promotion or unworthy of a partner’s love."
7. Fear of abandonment
If you were constantly abandoned and unsupported as a child, it's not surprising you'd be afraid of history repeating itself in adult relationships.
"They may experience constant anxiety about people leaving them, even in stable relationships," Dr. Hafeez says. "This can manifest in clinginess or emotional withdrawal in response to perceived rejection."
8. Trust issues
It's no wonder you have little trust in others after a hard knocks upbringing.
"Over-neglect doesn't just have negative impacts on romantic and familial relationships, it can also mean that an individual struggles to build trust across the board," Dr. MacBride says.
Fear of abandonment is one manifestation of trust issues, but hyper-vigilance around rejection and physical harm are other examples. Dr. MacBride says people who were overly neglected as children may especially struggle to trust authority figures because of the harm they experienced from their primary caregivers (and first authority figures) as little ones.
"For example, you may see this with individuals who present for medical treatment, but don't trust the advice they're given or have problems with following directives in employment situations," she continues. "These are the individuals who may have frequent conflicts with their immediate supervisors."
9. Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships
Trust is a pillar of healthy relationships, so chronic mistrust is a severe hurdle in developing and maintaining connections with others.
"Without learning or developing this very basic relationship-building skill, individuals who experience this kind of neglect may avoid close relationships or struggle to engage in healthy relationship patterns," Dr. MacBride says. "For example, they may misattribute even small slights as withdrawal or rejection from their partner, like not being complimented on their appearance being interpreted as 'they think I’m unattractive.'"
10. Anxiety and depression
People who were overly neglected growing up are more likely to experience chronic mental health conditions.
"We learn about the world beginning at a very young age," Dr. MacBride says. "In situations of over-neglect, we may learn that we have little in the way of agency or control or any ability to change our circumstances."
A person might develop a mindset of, "What I do doesn't matter anyway?"
"Viewing the world through this lens and holding this as a core belief leads to persistent problems with depressed mood or reinforces beliefs about the uncertainty and unpredictability of the world causing chronic anxiety," Dr. MacBride explains.
Related: People Who Weren't Told 'I Love You' in Childhood Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults
3 Ways to Heal After Being Overly Neglected in Childhood
1. Understand and process your family dynamics
You may ask, "Why did this happen to me?" You deserve answers.
"It can be very helpful to understand the larger context of your family dynamics and how they contributed to your experience of neglect," Dr. Hafeez says. "This doesn't mean excusing harmful behaviors but rather gaining insight into the reasons behind your caregivers' actions."
Dr. Hafeez recommends family therapy or reflective journaling to begin to unpack how your family relationships have affected you as an adult.
2. Reconnect with your emotions
Emotional expression and regulation are wonky if you were overly neglected as a child, but you can reconnect with them as an adult.
"Be open and willing to identify and name your emotions," Dr. MacBride says.
Therapy, speaking with a trusted person or journaling can also help in this part of the process.
"You need to understand that your feelings are real and develop ways to self-soothe in a way that does not hurt you or others," Dr. MacBride says.
3. Be patient
You deserve a whole lot of grace—give it to yourself.
"The pattern of over-neglect is one that took place over time—so will the healing," Dr. MacBride says. "Expecting overnight changes is not realistic. Instead, consider this a marathon and not a sprint."
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Sources
Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, of Veritas Psychology Partners
Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind
