My date went out for Ben & Jerry's and he never came back
Hi, I’m Alex. I’m 27, single, and each week I’m gonna share the best, funniest, most ridiculous – and obviously the worst – parts of my dating life so you can feel a bit less sh*t about yours!
Alright, alright, so ‘date’ is a strong word for this one.
We’ll go with ‘hook up’.
If you’ve been single and on the apps for any length of time, you know that situation where it’s “that person I’ve been chatting with for a few days until we decided that we both wanted a no-strings-attached one-night stand and that's all”.
Just stick with me though, it’s so worth it.
I should preface this by saying – I went through a time in my life when I thought that casual sex really wasn’t my thing. I was self-conscious and insecure and the idea of an in-and-out encounter made me break out in hives – but after the breakup of my last serious relationship, I really changed my tune.
I realised that sometimes there doesn’t have to be anything more to it than an itch scratched – two consenting adults who are very clear that there’s nothing more than that and are happy to do it safely and without getting too invested.
That’s exactly what this was.
We’d been chatting for a few days, I’d confirmed his identity with a few social media pages that had existed for too long for a catfish to have been doing this. The coast seemed clear.
On the night in question, he made his way over to my place. He came in, he was chatty, and he looked like his pictures which is always nice.
As I was giving him an extremely brief tour of my place, his phone started buzzing.
Now, this wasn’t an overly formal occasion, so I didn’t mind him looking at his phone.
I had no idea that he was laying the groundwork for the most unnecessarily extravagant bullsh*t excuse to make a run for it less than half an hour later.
“Just my brother’s mate causing some issues.”
I didn't ask, but sure, ok.
"Yeah, there's some issue at my work."
Oh cool, so now we're elaborating on the thing I didn't ask about.
I'm guilty of oversharing so I just chalked it up to being stressed and a bit distracted. Maybe he was even nervous about being here – I wasn't sure.
After managing to put his phone down, things really started to kick off.
It was just starting... and then it was done.
'I'm going on a first date, what red flags should I look out for?'
Just to be abundantly clear here:
I had done the work, he was a very satisfied guest.
He had lift-off and my ass was stuck on the tarmac with a cancelled flight.
His itch was scratched, and mine wasn’t.
His cup runneth over. I was dying of thirst.
So you get it?
I was pretty quick to realise that this guy was going to do nothing to make my night worth it, which soured things – now, I just wanted him to leave.
But then the lie started…
“Yeah, so my brother’s mate is at this place I manage in the city but he’s having issues at the door, and I need to be there to say he can get in because security won’t let him in without me.”
“Um so it’s only a 20-minute drive, I can be there and back so soon.”
You really don’t have to.
“Nah it’s fine, I’ll grab some Ben & Jerry’s on the way back and we can have that and just stay up and watch a movie.”
Honestly dude, please just leave.
At this point, I was mentally high-fiving myself for putting my vibrator on to charge earlier in the day. Never send a man to do a woman's sex toy's job and all that.
He just wouldn't stop though.
He got dressed, continually talking about which flavours I wanted. He pressed the point: “Do you want some mini ones too so we can get more flavours?”
I could not have been less interested in him coming back at that point. I just needed this guy out so I could shower and wash this entire experience off me.
But he continued…
“Yeah no really, I’ll send you a text when I’m on my way back so you know.”
"It'll only be 20 minutes."
"Make sure you don't fall asleep."
And then he was gone.
...And then there was the unmatch.
Now – I cannot stress this enough – I couldn’t have cared less that he wanted to peace out. It’s disappointing but unsurprising that he got in, got off, and then bailed – but I had no expectation of an ice cream date.
Boys, it’s not unheard of that we also just want you to get the hell out of there after we’ve done what we wanted to happen.
What really made this a cherry-on-top-of-the-non-existent-icecream-sundae was how much he committed to the lie. It’s just not necessary babe!
Just some advice for next time: Always keep your own stash of ice cream in the freezer for emergencies like this.
By the way Ben & Jerry’s, I never got that pint of Phish Food he promised me.
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