Yahoo Lifestyle "I'm An Oblivion Drinker"
Nearly 60 per cent of women know someone who drinks too much, according to a new survey
Most people would be surprised - horrified, probably - to discover how much I drink. I’m 46 and I have my own practice as a therapist. I have several university degrees and I also work part-time for a community outreach program. And yet every night, I drink at least a bottle of wine after work. Sometimes two.
My drinking became a problem in my mid-thirties. That’s when I met a male colleague at the outreach program, who was also a really heavy drinker. We’d go out and drink a couple of bottles between us. Always wine. The relationship didn’t last, but the drinking did.
After we broke up I started drinking more and more. I was lonely. I was a single mum - and I enjoyed the mellow, floating sensation that comes with zoning out over a glass of wine. Alcohol let me check out for a while. I'd sit in my room, right next to the window, glass of wine in one hand, a cigarette in the other, carefully directing the smoke out the window. I didn't want my daughter smelling it and catching me.
Sometimes I’d just gaze into space, or else I’d browse the internet, and chat to strangers on forums. Eventually, I was drinking up to 10 glasses - or two bottles - a night. And that was a calm night. When I let loose, it was more like 15. I once heard the term “oblivion drinkers” to describe women like me - women who are high-achieving perfectionists who use alcohol as a way of escaping stress. That sounds about right.
I hid my problem from everyone at work. I even bought a tongue scraper to clean my mouth and disguise the smell, and I discovered that apples are incredibly effective at hiding wine breath. I eat a lot of apples. I also wear fairly strong perfume. At work, I am professional. Occasionally I'll make a mistake in an email or call someone the wrong name on the phone... but everyone does that from time to time, don't they? I also don't schedule meetings or appointments for late in the day because I know I won't be able to concentrate, as I'll be thinking about that first drink.
There was no single shocking event, no epiphany, that convinced me it was time to get control over my drinking. It's more that, recently I’d had weeks of feeling very, very down and I know that alcohol was responsible for that.
So I told my doctor how I much I drink. She suggested SMART Recovery, a group for people with alcohol dependence. It’s a form of recovery that doesn’t focus on abstinence, but helps address why you drink.
The therapy has made me realise that I drink because I'm unable to deal with intense emotions. Sadness, grief, stress, loneliness, even positive feelings, can be really overwhelming for me. Now I'm trying to find healthier ways to channel those feelings, rather than escaping them through alcohol.
Next week, I'm embarking on a five-day, supervised detox at home. It's the first step in total sobriety. I'm looking forward to feeling clarity in my mind, but I'm also terrified. I'm scared of not feeling that lovely, numb feeling that alcohol gives me.
Name has been changed
To read three other stories from women with complicated relationships with alcohol pick up the latest marie claire.
