Yahoo Lifestyle Do Manipulators Know What They're Doing? A Psychologist Shares the Truth
Whether you’ve been catching up on season 2 of Hulu’s Tell Me Lies or remembering an old toxic relationship, you may have wondered: Do manipulators know what they're doing?
When thinking through this question, it’s easy to flop back and forth. Surely they're being intentional because they're trying to get what they want, right? But also, manipulation can sometimes be so subtle that it seems like a genuine plea.
To answer this question, a psychologist and therapist share what manipulation looks like, and give more insight into a manipulator’s intentions—weighing in on whether their words and behaviors are purposeful. Plus, the experts share what steps to take next.
Related: If Someone Uses These 7 Phrases, They May Be Trying to Control You, According to Psychologists
What Manipulation Looks Like
First, let’s get on the same page about emotional manipulation. What can it entail?
“Manipulation generally occurs in passive ways that are sometimes difficult to detect,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. “At the heart of it, however, there is a presence of inauthenticity, often leaving the target feeling unsure about what is happening to them.”
She shares common tactics, such as gaslighting, love bombing, guilt-tripping and the silent treatment.
There’s also the examples of a cult leader putting their own twist on the meaning of a holy book, or a partner manipulating chores to lighten their load while making the list seem equal, as shared by Eamonn McKay, LMFT, a therapist at Octave who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, trauma, personality disorders and more. Manipulation can happen in any kind of relationship, he adds—whether that's at your workplace, at home, with friends and so on.
But again, these examples are only a start; there are, unfortunately, many more manipulation tactics and manipulative behaviors that could be listed.
Why Do Manipulators Manipulate?
While there's no excuse for the behavior, understanding the “why” or the psychology of manipulation can be darkly interesting and perhaps even helpful.
“The most common reason is to sustain or gain control over someone else, or a group of people,” Dr. Kelley explains.
This could stem from various motivations, she continues, like a fear of losing control from past trauma or mental health challenges; or insecurity and low self-esteem in which the person doesn’t know healthier ways to empower themselves.
The Dangers of Manipulation
The negative implications of being manipulated are many, according to Dr. Kelley. They're long-lasting too; they don’t just end if and when the relationship does.
“It can have a negative impact on your self-esteem, it can sway entire groups to doing things that are dangerous (think cults), it can also keep people from making healthy choices for themselves because they are not able to access their own internal dialogue,” she says. “After being consistently or intensely manipulated, it becomes less likely that someone will set a healthy boundary or make choices that keep them safe.”
With gaslighting in particular, people doubt their sanity. “Many start to question if they are ‘going crazy’ because they are being told that what they are witnessing happening with their own eyes is not actually true, [or] their partners or others [are] convincing them they are making things up or delusional,” McKay says.
Do Manipulators Know What They're Doing?
Now, the big question: Are manipulators aware of the fact they're being manipulative and causing all those problems? Do they know these words and behaviors aren’t okay?
It’s slightly complicated.
“Most often, they know that they don’t want to lose control and they know they want to win, but they may not have the level of insight about why they have these desires,” Dr. Kelley explains. “When being called out, they will generally not take responsibility—especially if it is an ongoing or chronic behavior.”
The reason why they won’t take responsibility, she says, is because it would require them to be vulnerable and experience shame. Manipulation protects them from those scary experiences.
McKay shares another possibility. “There are circumstances in which a manipulative individual will know they are being manipulative, but they are compelled to do so, and they will believe their own lies they tell in pursuit of the manipulation,” he says.
Related: 8 Genius Comebacks for Dealing With a Manipulator, According to Psychologists
What To Do if You’re the Manipulator
If you see yourself in these descriptions of manipulators, you’ve taken a great first step by being here. Next, Dr. Kelley highly encourages self-reflecting, asking trustworthy people for insight and going to therapy.
“Therapy is essential; so is figuring out the root cause as to why you feel the need to be manipulative,” she says. (Again, the root cause could be insecurity, fear or past trauma.)
McKay suggests mentalization-based therapy specifically for people who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and are aware of their manipulative tendencies. It can help them be more mindful of another person’s mental state.
Related: The Subtle Sign Your Adult Child Is a Narcissist, According to Psychologists
What To Do if You’re Being Manipulated
On the other end, you may be the person who’s facing manipulative behavior. All the love and empathy to you!
Dr. Kelley encourages similar steps, actually: speaking to someone you trust, getting their insight and asking them to help you track the manipulative behaviors.
“Sometimes it can be difficult to believe all the things someone would do to you, especially when they are incredulous,” she explains. (That’s where this person you trust comes in.)
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You can also share your concerns with the person manipulating you, if you feel safe doing so—but again, you don’t have to.
“If they have a desire to change and take responsibility, that is a good sign,” Dr. Kelley says, “but if they do not and they shift blame to you, it is a sign that you may need to further explore whether that relationship works for you long-term.”
Up Next:
Related: Do Gaslighters Know What They're Doing? Psychologists Share the Truth
Sources
Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author
Eamonn McKay, LMFT, a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, trauma, personality disorders and more
