There Was a Llama on the ‘Bachelor’ Premiere

The first episode of any Bachelor season is always a parade of nonsense, every contestant trying to make, if not good, then memorable first impressions on the season’s eligible single. Monday night’s Season 29 premiere was no different, with the women vying for the affection of Bachelor Grant Ellis making it clear that they’ll stop at nothing to get his attention in a spectacle somewhere between a gladiator match and an elementary show-and-tell presentation. When in doubt, bring in your llama.

No, really, there’s a llama. Said llama, named Linda, of course, belongs to Alexe, a Canadian pediatric speech therapist and early front-runner—more on that in a minute. When Alexe arrives at the Bachelor mansion, Linda clopping along sedately behind her, she explains that her childhood on a farm gave her a lifelong affection for animals. “Is that a donkey?” Grant asks incorrectly. Alexe says Linda is her “no-drama llama,” which she hopes, in vain, will save this season from the usual wailing and tears. Unlikely.

Everyone in the mansion is delighted by Linda aside from Natalie, a Ph.D. student from Louisville, who says nervously that she has “personal experience with llamas” thanks to a spitting incident in her past. While she’s reliving trauma flashbacks, the others coo over Linda, petting her long, fluffy neck.

Alexe was one of the standouts from a crowd of contestants who mainly introduced themselves to Grant by saying whether or not they like basketball (the Houston native played for a number of pro teams before his pivot to television personality).

There were some memorable moments sprinkled in between: Alli Jo, a boxing trainer from New Jersey, rolls up in a Jeep bearing a heart-shaped pizza. Radhika, an attorney from New York, shows off some moves, telling Grant that she hopes “every moment together will be as fun as, like, a Bollywood dance.” Vicky from Las Vegas drives up in a convertible brandishing a glowing “VIVA LAS VICKY” sign. When Sarafiena of New York shows up with a giant poster-board cutout of Grant’s head, he remarks, “These women are pulling out all the stops!”

And we’re not even getting into the unusual amount of snacks, which include the aforementioned pizza, a cannoli, a plate of chips and salsa, and a two-tiered wedding cake. That mansion fridge is going to be well-stocked.

Things wind down after tech engineer and model Zoe, armed with a T-shirt gun, fires a bunch of shirts printed with her and Grant’s smiling heads over the walls of the mansion like something out of a Lord of the Rings battle. Chloie, another model who was already in the house, parades around wearing one for a while. A good sport!

After that, it’s cocktail hour, and the ladies waste no time dumping all their personal histories onto Grant. Parisa has a crystal collection and an orange cat named Sonny, and shows Grant a slideshow of AI-generated fake photos of the two of them on their wedding day and starting a family. Alicia tells the girls she never kisses on the first date, and then promptly gets the first kiss of the night. A classic gambit.

Grant spends a lot of time talking about his hopes to find his person and how beautiful everyone is. His statuesque sister Taylor pops in with a stack of baby pictures and everyone’s very intimidated. Host Jesse Palmer, absent for most of the proceedings, pokes his head around the door to inform everyone that, by the way, the lucky receiver of the First Impression rose will also get the first one-on-one date next week, and the mood turns tense. “It really is like The Hunger Games,” someone remarks.

After some more chitchat, Grant presents the rose to Alexe, and we’re not saying she got it solely thanks to Linda…but it definitely didn’t hurt. At the Rose Ceremony, Grant decides to keep Litia, Rose, Zoe, Ella, Alli Jo, Natalie, Juliana, Vicky, Carolina, Beverly, Bailey, Dina, Chloie, Rebekah, Sarafiena, Allyshia, and Parisa around. Christina, J’Nae, Kelsey, Kyleigh, Neicey, Radhika, Savannah, and, presumably, Linda are sent home. The subsequent promo promises lots of travel, tears, and shots of Grant’s hyper-realistic wolf tattoo. May the odds be ever in their favor!