What not to do when your ex moves on like Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker

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·Lifestyle Reporter
·5-min read
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Who could forget Ross having the audacity to move on with Emily after THAT break-up with Rachel?

And who hasn’t screamed the bridge of Olivia Rodrigo’s lovelorn “Driver’s License” in sympathy with a friend going through a tough break-up?

But while some find an ex moving on before them a hurtful and even humiliating fate, others choose to take the high road and shake it off.

Model Shanna Moakler recently shared a message of congratulations to her ex-husband Travis Barker and his new wife Kourtney Kardashian, just hours after news broke of their surprise wedding in a Las Vegas courthouse.

In a statement via People magazine, the reality TV star sent the happy couple her best wishes.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party
Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker have made their affection for one another very clear, but it isn't bothering his ex. Photo: Getty

So, when an ex moves on before you, how do you mitigate the hurt?

Relationship coach and founder and principal matchmaker of personalised offline dating service Heart Match, Anna Swoboda, revealed to Yahoo Lifestyle her top five tips on how to move on from your ex moving on.

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Anna paints the picture: “You are out to dinner with some friends and you notice your ex’s relationship status has just changed on their social media.

“It’s been a year since you were together, but you feel a pang of regret. Actually, you feel a little hurt that they have moved on, and you haven’t. You remind yourself it’s not a race, but various feelings run through you.

“How strong are those feelings? Dr. Terri Orbuch in her path-breaking work following hundreds of couples over 30 years has found that people who can say ‘I don’t feel too much of anything for my ex,’ were twice as likely to find a good relationship!

“Terri’s advice, with which I fully concur from all my relationship coaching and personal experience, is … Exorcise Your Ex!”

Ross and rachel on friends
It can really hurt when an ex moves on first, here's what you can do to help. Photo: Warner Bros.

Top Five Tips To Exorcise Your Ex

1) Be Aware of “The Breakup Narrative”

“What’s the reason you tell yourself for the breakup?” Anna asks, “Is it a THEY story, all about what the ex did or didn’t do and you blame them? Or is it a ME story, all about what I did wrong?”

“One story makes you angry, one sad, but they both keep you stuck in the past. It’s important to move to a WE story; WE weren’t that compatible, WE had different goals or values. WE grew apart.”

Anna says that there are some fascinating research findings that men are also way more likely to take the blame on themselves for the breakup.

“Research shows that 80% of women blame their ex and 4% themselves. Whereas for men, 47% blame their ex and 16% themselves.

“You may think that’s because men are more to blame, maybe because they have cheated more? Actually, in the key 30 to 39 age bracket (just preceding the average divorce age in the early to mid 40s) 13% of men have cheated and 11% of women.

“So let the simple wisdom of Disney’s famous Frozen lyrics be your mantra; ‘Let it go, let it go’.”

2) Limit Cyberstalking

“It’s so much harder these days to let it go when it’s all just a click away,” Anna tells Yahoo Lifestyle.

“It’s not surprising to hear that research shows clicking constantly on your ex’s Facebook page can disrupt emotional recovery after a breakup, creating more distress, negative feelings, and longings for your ex.

“The stronger your feelings are, the less you should do it. You will subject yourself to unnecessary hurt. When the urge to text an ex arises, text a friend instead.”

The older couple has a conflict. Upset mature woman, quarrel with her husband. Relationship crisis.
Anna doesn't recommend stalking your ex after you breakup. Photo: Getty

3) Discard Haunted Objects

“Don’t have things around that bring your ex to mind!” warns Anna.

“If you must keep them, put them out of sight or where you see them much less. If you had favourite places that you associate with your ex, either don’t go there or if you want to keep going (like a park you love to run in) change the association by going with other friends multiple times to build a new association.”

4) Make A Change - Just One

Anna says that the research shows that if you do one thing very differently in your life, like go for coffee in a different coffee shop, work less, or start a new hobby, you are actually more than twice as likely to meet someone good again.

“The new thing leads your mind to new things, you meet new people. You move on much more quickly. What’s your change? Choose one today.”

5) Get Out There

“Be clear about your requirements and get out and meet people,” Anna advises, “No substitute for getting back on the horse after you’ve fallen off.”

“But make sure you know what you are looking for. Compatibility is hugely important in relationship satisfaction and if someone objectively looked at your last relationship break up and your difficulties, it likely had a lot to do with lack of compatibility.

“So take a little time to consider who you are and what makes you happy, and look for someone who shares your dream of a perfect day.”

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