GoT recap: The beginning of the end

It’s been almost two years, and honestly that episode felt like almost two years.

For those that have failed to watch the first episode within the first 24 hours, this is a minefield of spoilers so tread carefully, if at all.

SPOILER ALERT: READ ON ONLY IF YOU’RE FINE WITH THAT

Yes, I know we need to reintroduce our favourite pairings/characters, yes that long march at the beginning was a throwback to the series’ very first episodes and very poetic.

But like many poems it felt over-stuffed with details and kind of… boring.

I know there are some foundations to be laid for what I’m still hoping will be the epic final season Game of Thrones deserves, I just hoped there would be a bit more pizzazz after two years of anticipation.

Frankly if I wanted a heavy hint that Jon Snow will be riding the second dragon – as a secret Targaryen – into battle via a magic carpet ride, I would have called for an Aladdin/Game of Thrones crossover.

And I didn’t.

Anyway here’s your recap, and with only five episode left to go let’s hope some of the wires laid down yesterday blow up into something more epic next week.

Chilly Homecoming

I know I said last week that this is not your high school reunion, but it very much felt like that in the episode’s opening moments.

We revisited season one’s very first episode as Jon and Dany’s army marched into Winterfell. Arya was hiding in the crowd watching the action, and in a nod to the past, a little kid ran between legs, and climbed a tree to get a better view just like Bran did way back when.

Anyway, there’s a lot of time dedicated to the homecoming parade which showcases the return of some fan favourites.

We see the Unsullied not freezing their balls off, obviously.

Jon and Dany ride in on the backs of horses and a cloud of new-lover bliss that could only be shattered by the revelation that they’re aunty and nephew.

Everyone else important also gets a close-up as they come in.

Highlights include: Tyrion and Varys getting a carriage ride filled with witty eunuch banter while everyone else freezes on horseback, Greyworm and Missandei just being around, and the Hound being the Hound.

There’s a very tense welcoming committee waiting and an awkward reunion between Bran and Jon, because Bran’s a bonafide mood killer these days.

He backs this up by interrupting the general greetings between Daenerys and a disgruntled Northern assembly by saying: “We don’t have time for all this. The Night King’s on the move”.

I’ve embellished this dialogue because Bran’s boring as anything these days and if I’m not given pizzazz I will create my own.

That said, he has a point, and everyone files inside.

Ice, ice baby

Once they settle into the coldest conference room of all time, Sansa and Dany drop the temperature a good ten degrees further by icing each other out like the snow queens they are.

Sansa points out she definitely hasn’t made enough casserole for everyone, let alone the dragons, and Dany says her dragons will eat what they damn well please.

Amongst this, tension over the whole ‘bending the knee’ between Dany and Jon bubbles over, and the Northerners haven’t even found out about the real bending of the knee yet.

Lyanna Mormont comes this close to calling Jon a little b***h for bailing on the King of the North thing, and Jon’s like: ‘It doesn’t matter’, and Tyrion is like: ‘We got to unite or perish.’

This goes down like a lead balloon because Tyrion’s a Lannister and The North Remembers in case you forgot.

The general vibe is: ‘This party blows, but we have bigger fish to fry’, so we leave things fairly tense.

Reunions

There are some touching, and some chilly reunions throughout the episode. In the highlight reel lies Sansa and Tyrion, Arya and the Hound and Jon and Arya.

Jon and Arya’s meeting is a brief reprieve from the bitter cold with a genuinely heart-warming moment we’ve been waiting eight seasons to witness.

Jon basically verbally boops her nose by saying: ‘You been killing with your adorable girl sword while I’ve been gone?”

Aryas is like: “Oh yeah a bit, lol,” while uncomfortably kicking her chest full of faces out of sight.

In the South

In the sunny South, Qyburn of the loose neckline and looser ethics tells Cersei The Wall has fallen, and she responds to an imminent threat of a hundred thousand White Walkers by saying: ‘Good’.

So Cersei’s 100% lost her marbles, but she makes up for it by gaining a mercenary army who are just around the corner.

Euron Greyjoy is rocking the pirate vibe hard and still keeping his niece Yara captive on his ship for conversational purposes, or so he says.

Cersei’s delighted to have ten thousand men to fight one hundred thousand ice zombies for whatever reason, but pretty bummed there’s no elephants:

She reiterates the elephant thing later after she finally agrees to bang Euron, which is only marginally less gross than her other love scenes because he’s not related to her.

While Cersei and Euron are getting it on, Theon arrives aboard the iron fleet to spring Yara, who head-butts then hugs him because they’re Ironborn and struggle with emotions.

Theon sends her on her way to reclaim the Iron Islands, and decides to go help Jon and Dany with the ‘army of the dead’ threat, which I for one feel like no one is taking seriously enough down here.

I’m also going to slip in here that Bronn’s hanging out in a brothel somewhere with three naked ladies, when Qyburn bursts in and instantly erases any hint of sexiness that permeated the air.

He wants Bronn to kill Jaime and Tyrion with the crossbow Tyrion used to kill Daddy Lannister.

Bronn takes it but looks torn, and we’re all hoping he’ll come good and join the good fight.

Unnecessary romance

Back up north Jon and Dany go on a magic carpet ride which I don’t even want to get started on because you know a massive chunk of this episode’s budget went on making this happen:

The highly anticipated revelation of the second dragon rider was turned into a fun romantic diversion between aunty and nephew to the theme of A Whole New World and only the dragon seems to think there was an issue here.

I’m not dwelling on this, nor when Dany tells Jon to: ‘keep your queen warm’, in the corniest one-liner in all the seven kingdoms.

While we wash the ickiness of that scene from our collective conscious, Arya has a moment with the Hound and Gendry.

The Hound is like: “You left me for dead you cold little bitch”, and we’re like: “Aw you two”.

She also flirts with Gendry, who’s busy turning the dragon glass into weapons, and asks him to make her something special.

The weapon is far more important than a love plot that only has five more episodes to crash and burn so here’s a closer look:

Sansa and Jon share a bit of a tense moment as the northern allies begin to pull out of the alliance because of the whole bending the knee thing, and Sansa delivers a sick burn: “Did you bend the knee to save the North? Or because you love her?”

Sansa’s onto you Jon, you sneaky devil.

The big reveal

Sam’s been hanging out in the library this whole time, and is only interrupted when Dany makes a special trip to thank him for saving Jorah.

She also casually drops that she executed his father for not bending the knee.

Sams like: “That’s cool, it’ll be nice to see my brother at least.”

And she’s like: “Oh, we killed him too.”

Sam is pretty devastated and goes off to find a quiet space to grieve, but Bran has other ideas and is sitting in wait in the courtyard, where he seems to permanently reside these days.

Bran says Sam needs to tell Jon what’s up parentage-wise pronto, and Sam definitely needs a minute but does what he’s told because he’s the most selfless player in Westeros.

Sam and Jon’s heartwarming reunion in the crypt is cut abruptly short by Sam delivering the double whammy of: 1. Your girlfriend killed my family and she’s kind of being a dick about it, and 2. You’re not a bastard, you’re Aegon Targaryen and you’re the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. So tell your aunty/lover she can put that in her pipe and smoke it.

This is devastating news to Jon because he’s been running from responsibility ever since he was a wee night watchman, and there’s really no way around this one.

Sam then delivers what I would argue is the most important line of the season so far: “You gave up your crown to save our people. Would Daenerys do the same?”

Dany’s character has taken a bit of a beating this episode and I for one shouted: “No she wouldn’t” at the TV to the annoyance of my housemates, but I stand by it.

So the aunty/nephew love bubble has officially been burst and it remains to be seen if aunty D really cares about succession or if she just wants the throne for herself.

Way up North

We didn’t hear much from the Night King this episode, but he did leave a grisly message up in Last Hearth in the form of a baby white-walker Ned Umber nailed to the wall for Tormund and Beric Dondarrion to discover.

Yay they’re alive, but the artistic mosaic of disembodied limbs means the army of the dead is not only a whizz with arts and crafts, but also lying between them and Winterfell, so who knows how long that will last.

Full circle

The episode ends where season one, episode one ended. Even I have to admit it’s a neat little circle.

Jamie L rides into Winterfell with a new brunette look and comes face to face with Bran, who’s like: “Nice hair, but I recognise you.”

For those that need a refresher:

Jamie looks pretty concerned, as he should and as always we’re left on tenterhooks even if the episode as a whole was underwhelming.

So lots of live wires underfoot at the beginning of the end, just remains to be seen where the sparks are going to fly.

I for one hope something catches on fire soon, because Westeros needs some spice before it freezes over completely.

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