We are officially hours from Game of Thrones season 8 lift off and after almost two years of silence from the land of Westeros, last season’s details may have gotten hazy.
If you want to keep up with the army of the dead, you’ll need to look alive because there are several key points you’re going to have to remember.
The big questions we need to address: Who’s pregnant, who’s dead, and who’s banging?
No it’s not your high school reunion, it’s your Game of Thrones recap, and hold on to your you dragons because we’re diving straight in.
In the North
Wayyyy up north but not far enough, the Night King is pimping his new ride, the ice dragon, with a big parade headed for the sunny South.
Him and roughly one hundred thousand walking ice mummies have just busted through The Wall en route, and the whole of Westeros and its associated fandom soiled their collective pants because oh my dear God, we’re doomed.
Also in the North, the Starks are busy being cold and frightened but steely eyed as they are wont.
Bran’s a bit moody. As the Three-Eyed-Raven, he’s got to balance all those mystical powers and game changing insights and it’s taken a toll on his social life.
Meanwhile Sansa and Arya are holding down the fort at Winterfell and slaying slime-balls (#sistersaredoingitforthemselves) while they wait for John and Dany to show up and save the day.
Sansa’s been looking very regal and chilly since they banded together to kill Lord Baylish aka Littlefinger aka the greasiest man in all the seven kingdoms, and Arya’s added to her trunk full of creepy masks, promising some fun dress-ups to come.
The only possible remedy to this zombie-army-sized problem in the North – John, Daenerys and their merry men – are on their way to bust up this ice party with some good old fashioned fire.
As it stands John and Dany have on their side: two dragons, the straggling Northern armies who are loyal to John, the Unsullied, the Second Sons and the bulk of the Dothraki.
In the miscellaneous section sit Gendry of Melisandre hook-up fame, Varys, Onion Knight and Tyrion.
I like to think of these four as a 90’s boyband because none of them ever die, and they’re constantly making a come back.
I hope. #saveTyrion.
Any-who, there’s some potential drama on the horizon because the Northerners are waiting for John to get back with the dragon glass and a live army to stop the dead army.
However John’s bent the knee to Daenerys (get your mind out of the gutter. Now put it straight back because yup, that happened, and we’ll come back to it).
It’s going to stuff up the whole hard-won loyalty line and they’re all going to be annoyed.
Also in transit is Euron Greyjoy who has the hots for Cersei.
Unbeknownst to him, he’s being tailed by nephew Theon who’s commandeered a rowboat in a bid to rescue his sister Yara, who’s in chains and bless his heart, he’s trying.
Euron’s off to get his girlfriend some Golden Company mercenaries to fight John and Dany because she’s planning on reneging on their truce.
Quick refresher: John and Dany almost died getting a wight to Kings Landing to prove to everyone the White Walkers are real and they need to stop with the in-fighting and defeat their common enemy.
Everyone freaked out, and then went: “Ok good point, truce”.
Unfortunately Cersei is now like: “Just joking #lol I’m Queen, truce off”.
In the South
Jamie L has finally realised his sister/lover is nuts, and he’s running for the hills. Or the North, whichever is further.
Cersei basically told her brother/lover that she’s pregnant in a #siblingsaredoingitforthemselves moment, and spilt the beans about breaking the truce.
Jamie’s like, ‘we will literally all die if you do that’ and Cersei get this creepy ‘I’m going mad’ flicker in her eye.
He appears to nope out of there hard, in a shattering of sibling ties.
So Cersei, future ‘baby’, Ser Gregor, creepy Qyburn and the ghosts of her now-dead family sit around waiting for Euron to get back, and it’s a pretty weird party.
In the breaking news
So while all this has been going on, Sam’s spent the better part of the series in the library- where I spent the better part of my primary school lunch hours.
Sam’s been providing both comic relief and the most important reveals of the entire series.
Thank you Sam, library kids rule the world.
Anyway, Sam figured out that only Valyrian steel, dragon glass, or dragon fire will kill the dead army, so John ducked off to pay Daenerys a visit because she’s got all three.
John meets her and is like ‘hmm I dig it’ and she’s like ‘cool so do I’, and we’re all like YASS, until we’re like NOOO.
In the closing moments of last season, Sam unravelled the mysteries of John’s lineage and discovered that our favourite ‘bastard’ is in fact not a bastard- he’s the son of Ed Stark’s sister Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen.
This means he is both Dany’s nephew and an heir to the Iron Throne.
Dampening the mood slightly is the fact that we find this out in the midst of a highly-anticipated steamy love scene between said aunty and nephew.
So that pairing has taken on a whole Lannister nephew/lover vibe that we’re not really here for, and everyone’s pretty uncomfortable.
And that’s the long and short of it.
Night king – Brand new scary ice dragon.
John: New rightful heir and nephew/lover.
Dany: May have to reconsider her claim and aunty/lover.
Sansa: Ice queen.
Arya: Many faced assassin.
Bran: Having a moment.
Lannisters: Sibling/lovers on the rocks, maybe-pregnant and definitely crazy.
Greyjoys: Out on the ocean doing who knows what.
Gendry, Varys, Onion Knight and Tyrion: boy band who never die.
See you on Monday.
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